Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'm in the process of my divorce and it is one of the most hardest things I've ever had to do. I still have a small amount of feelings for him left and I think that's making it harder. I get mad at myself for having any kind of feelings for him because he was so mean and rotten to me. He stole money from me. He was mean, vicious, controlling and emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive. I think I just became programmed to the abuse that I just became numb to it and conformed to what he wanted me to do. This past Labor Day weekend, my sister spent the weekend with us and she told me that he yelled and/or criticized every word that came out of my mouth and I didn't even seem to notice. -- I'm having a hard time making decisions on my own. I find myself fighting with myself in my head going back and forth about things. I also feel lost without that tyrant telling me what to do. Does that sound ridiculous or is that normal? Just yesterday I was faced with a decision and it took me almost two hours to decide what to do and my ex kept flashing into my head. He is very manipulative and knows exactly what to say to get people to feel sorry for him and he is playing the victim which really infuriates me. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can re-program myself and how I can start to have confidence in myself again? I really didn't realize how much I was controlled by him.
great job reaching out!
i have never had a controlling/abusive relationship so i am no expert on that dynamic.. but i would imagine what you are feeling is NORMAL.. as you are deprogramming.
for sure i would reach out for more support.. abuse support groups? therapist... read read read articles/books on getting out of an abusive situation. YOU HAVE DONE THE HARDEST PART. finding yourself will come. i think speaking to others who understand your situation and getting advice from sources you can trust is the way to go for your healing.
big hugs to you!
It seems to me that being with a controlling, abusive person would just exacerbate that - he steamrolled over your self-confidence and you have to dig it out again. Can you remember a time in your life when you felt more self-confident? Can you remember areas of life where you felt more competent (sports, cooking, a job, parenting, driving - whatEVER it was that you felt you did well)? Maybe write about those times or those skills - try to remember really clearly what it felt like; close your eyes and picture it, smell it, taste it, feel it. Then write it down.
Every time you make decision, give yourself MAJOR pats on the back. You've been starving for some positive support for a long time so you're going to have to feed yourself a lot (and maybe ask your friends and family to do the same?) to make up for that. Think of it as an iron-deficiency!
Start off small and build up from there. We all have our own weak spots. I'm pretty good at travelling on my own but give me anything even remotely mechanical and I feel like a complete moron. Seriously, the first time that I figured out how to use the carpet shampooer on my own, I was all so proud of myself :). When you do make the decision, make sure to notice how good it feels to be independent.
Don't know if that helps but I wish you the best. Just keep digging; I am sure your self-confidence is in there.
The longer you are away from him the better you will feel about yourself. I am just so happy you have "got" what he is all about. You will do fine, and later be able to see things more clearly and be so happy and peaceful that you have your life back.
I wish you the best.