I know I've already posted about this but I am seriously having a hard time. My husband had an affair. He is now in an exclusive relationship with the woman who manages his restaurant. I always knew he had a thing for her. I did drive myself crazy thinking about all of it when we were together, him telling me I was crazy. Even now he says that nothing " physical happened until the day he left." Yeah right. Not to mention having an emotional relationship is so far worse than the physical one. I was sitting at home crying every night trying to think of ways to make my marriage better, to have him love me. He stayed at work and was falling in love with her. He got to use it as an excuse" I'm at work" and yeah he wasn't lying but now I know what he was doing. He said things like it didn't happen right away, it's been six weeks since he walked out on me, " slept at the couch at work" ( such a lie) asked me to move out sold out apartment and has a new girlfriend. I know at the end of the day this is his fault but she worked with me. She knew me. All three of us worked together years ago. How could someone do this to a marriage? So now not only do I know they were together, I knew they even have a story. Like this was made to happen because even though he was married their paths crossed again and now they are together.  I was stupid enough to try and be his friend until I found this out. We had plans to hang out tomorrow, I wanted just to get together before the paperwork was filed so we could just have a decent time together. He said he was looking forward to it. Now I know it was out of guilt, and that maybe he was intending to tell me then instead of him telling on the phone.  I was sad that our life together was ending and I wanted to try and keep a relationship with him. That even though our romance didn't work I didn't want to lose his friendship. In our marriage he was so cold and distant, and after he left I couldn't understand how he could just not care about me so easily. Now I don't understand how I could mean so little to him, that he doesn't even think I deserve more respect and dignity than this. I am so embarrassed. I am devistated. I am completely heart broken. Getting a divorce is hard enough but to know he has moved on and did immediately. After he left he asked me not to talk to him and I didn't. He told me he was good, basically better now that he wasn't with me and now I know that he was with her. I have been crying myself to sleep at night thinking about him and he's been with his new girlfriend. All of it really really hurts. But he told me he was "too busy" to deal with filing for divorce. He had too much going on and he couldn't get around it it. So I had to deal with separating our accounts, paying and closing the bills we shared, and filing for divorce. I even tried to make it that I would pay for everything, so he didn't even need to get a lawyer he could just sign it and show up. So he was "too busy" to do the right thing and end his marriage with me but not too busy to start an exclusive relationship with the girl we used to fight about all the time. How can he not think I deserve better than that? I loved him so much and all I wanted was him to show me affection. He was so cruel and now I know why. He was looking for the out so he could be with her. I keep thinking about things the week that lead up to the moment he left. 2 days before we were intimate, so if he really knew he didn't love me how could he be with me. It wasn't really a good experience. It was awkward to the point that I asked if he really wanted to, because it didn't seem it. I asked him how he could do something like that to me and his response was " I really didn't want to be with you sexually. I tried really hard not to but I didn't want to start a fight with you." and yet I point blank asked him. Ta a terrible thing to think that I was here trying to make our marriage work by being intimate even though he made me cry every day he was was thinking the entire time how he didn't want to be doing what he was doing. He said he had been feeling this way, not thinking he was in love with me, for a while, but never thought I was worth telling, that I could have a say or some indication of what he felt or what was happeneing, so when he left I had no idea, I was blind sighted. One minute talking about plans for the next week and literally the next minute he got up and walked out of our home saying " I can't be here" That was all I got for notice. He asked for a divorce 5 days later, but not before telling me those 5 days were just a break so he could think and it still wasnt over yet.  I guess one of the hardest parts to understand is we were only married for a year. We were together years before that, but what just switched off that he thought for a while he didn't want to be with me when we just got married? I knew we were not getting along and I knew he was hiding things from me, but I never thought he would leave me and better yet have an affair. He just kept telling me I was crazy and jealous and hard to be around and made me feel horrible about myself all the while he was talking texting being with her. I just thought he was going through something and if I just tried a little harder everything would be ok. I'm only 28, he is 32, but I have spent my 20s with him making plans about our future, talking about kids, and building a home, and a life together. Now it's all gone. I feel like I was robbed of even getting to start everything. After he left, I had to go back to our place and get some of my things. He was there and he said things like " I'm so sorry you deserve better than me. I love you and You are going to find someone who makes you happy." Stupidly I didn't know that he already had days after he abandoned me. I don't get how I wasn't even worth a moment of sadness. He never skipped a beat, he went from our bed right into hers, and worse he cares a lot about her. Even though I'm still his wife and we had a life together, she now has more over me. That maybe they are talking about planing their life together now. He always told me that he would never cheat on anyone ever. That he had been on the receiving end of it and no human deserved that at all. That the worst people are the ones that cheat on their loved ones, but that's how little I meant to him. That's how much respect he thinks I deserved. I'm not doing well with this news. I have been trying to be as gracious about our divorce while mourning the fact our marriage is over and the man I loved and thought I would share a life with no longer loved me. And now I find out he loves someone else, that even now, I am here crying barely able to sleep can't eat a thing have never felt more physically ill thinking about this and he is in bliss with her. How is it fair? How could I get so screwed over and hurt repeatedly and he is happy?  How do I keep moving on while I feel paralyzed to the pain I feel right now. Why is this happening to me and why won't it stop.