Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I stumbled upon this site by chance and have decided to ask for help. I am going thru a divorce after 23 years of marraige and two incredible children. We married when I was 28 and he was 31 and had our son right away. Soon after being married he wanted nothing to do with me sexually, it was like he had absolutely no interest. We have always gotten along very well, never fought too often and genuinely enjoyed each other company. Our daughter came along 3 years into the marraige and by this time I was very frustrated and confused because he would rarely have sex and was never interested. Finally, when my daughter was 1, he told me that he is gay. That was very difficult for me because there is no changing that. He told me that he does not want to be gay and he has no interest in coming out but would like to occasionally have sex with men. He said that he loved me and wanted to keep our family together and I agreed, partially because I was scared to be on my own with 2 young children and partially because I loved him with all my heart. So for 23 years we stayed married. Over the years I would have dreams, nightmares rather, that he would leave me for a woman and he would laugh and tell me that's impossible, he is not attracted to women. Earlier this year he started acting different. He works for the railroad as a conductor on a freight train and had been working with a female engineer. For some reason I felt jealous of her, but he again would just laugh and tell me that I am crazy. I then looked at our phone bill and saw that in a months time they had been texting each other day and night, over 400 texts!! When I asked him about this he said it was just work stuff. I of course knew better and kept pushing but then he would just say it's nothing, just her telling him her problems. It took me 4 brutal weeks for him to admit that it was more. He told me that he is in love with her and that he never loved me. He said that he didn't even care to put effort into being friends with me and hadn't for a long time. This is the man that told me every single day, up till this day, that he loves me. I asked him why he just didn't tell me instead of hurting me the worst way possible and he said that he didn't want to hurt me. I asked him if the whole gay thing was a lie or if he was bi ( which he had denied for years when I asked) and he said he is gay but it's more complicated than that. I feel like he has used me to hide behind ( and yes, I do realize I let him, but I always supported him being gay and coming to terms with that) I now feel that he has done nothing but lie to me for several years now and now he is leaving me for another woman, a woman who knows he is married and has been chasing after him for years. I feel so stupid that I gave my whole life to this man who just threw me away when he found something he thinks is better , and it's a woman!!! Why did I stay and love him and trust him? Now I am so old that I will never have another relationship. I think I'm broken.
with, all the old and new stuff. The constant
rejection and not really connecting for all those
years, now this newer betrayal.
Let yourself grieve your losses and join a divorce
care.org group to help with the grieving and divorce
Process.
Many of us on here are learning to cope so we can
Move on and heal. Its a long journey and it takes time
To move thru it, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
The hope is you are in a much better and healthier place
after you did All the hard inner work. The final phase of
grieving is acceptance that takes time to get there. HUGS
That is really a shame on his part for hurting you like that. You didn't deserve for him to treat you that way. I have learned a lot about people and relationships. What I will say as I stated to someone else there is someone for everyone! Now I have a mutual friend that was in a very similar situation with her now ex-husband. She just got divorced and she has a boyfriend that makes her happy. Guess what you and her are the same age. One thing she told me I know I am worthy to get a good man! Well looks like she has it.
Like you I learned from our phone bill (and later her actual phone) that my ex had been living a double life. As many things as I can blame myself for doing wrong, any time I hold it against what she was doing on her phone-often with other men she didn't even know and despite 2 affairs I'd learned about, I know this marriage would have ended regardless of my efforts. Don't beat yourself up-it sounds like you've certainly tried to make things work. Get a good therapist to walk you through the recovery, start carving out your own single life, find happiness from it and then you can start focusing on your new future. Find you again, work on it and in time you'll be able to focus on a happy, successful future. Let us know how things progress. Best of luck!
You have tow kids..you are not at lost. Then, even your husband was not that perfect, you probably still had some good moments and you had a partner for 23 years.
Get realistic! When men do not want to hurt you...they lie! When men cheat..they lie! And, it is justified in many situations. The truth might be more heartbreaking than a sheer lie. If he did not feel like having sex with you..for whatever reason it was, would it be easy for you if he said :" you just not sexually attracted to me."?I am sure, not. Marriage is a very complicated thing. Many people stay together just because of kids and for convenience. Many people live for a long time together without mutual love. The problem is how the ONE who truly loved and cared will survive when the marriage is finally falls in pieces. As you see on this forum, the way to recovery is a long way.We all feel the same: an anger, bitterness, loneliness, depression. I wish there was a pill, a quick fix that minimizes the sufferings. You will need to learn how to be on your own like a baby learning to walk. Step by step. Day by day. Let yourself to grief, let yourself to be sad..but, then do something for yourself that will make you feel better. I hope you have friends that can support you. Force yourself to look around at other things at other people. I wish you best of luck!