My take is... as soon as you can get over these low days without assistance, and you are emotionally clear of your ex... You will be ready.

In my case, I have always done progressively "better" than the last. It's not really a way I look at it, as each has their own merits, and cannot be compared accurately.

Hi jackie,
I am so sorry you are going through this.
The one good thing is with each person you choose, then split with, should be a learning experience. You should remember the things you didn't like about your ex and make sure the new guy doesn't have these habits. That should make each one better than the last.
If it is truly to early to meet people then don't worry about it for awhile. just focus on yourself and healing.
I have heard good things about meet up.com where people meet as a group and do the things they have in common as a group.
Who knows, It isn't for most, but I love living alone. I get to do what I want, when I want and with whom I want. I will NEVER go back. I am finally living my life for myself.
I wish you the best of luck.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Don't take this to wrong, but this seems like a bizarre conversation. Why do we put such high standards on people who are willing to put their time, love and energy into us. Then we evaluate them to death to make sure they meet some sort of standard or criteria that makes them worthy of being around us.

We don't do that with friends or acquintences. We accept them for who they are. But if someone wants to share more of themselves with us, then we hold them to higher criteria. Doesn't seem like a good deal. I can see how that could hinder anyone from wanting to get into a relationship with all the pressure that is behind it.

I agree with the sgt and gem. You are still deep in the muck of your recent breakup so you are not going to easily see a future with someone else. It's fine. Take the time you need to heal. Be good to yourself and worry about meeting people when you feel you are ready to. Putting the cart in front of the horse is just going to make for a long and difficult journey. :) ((((hugs)))))

New, I see this "convo" as being about someone's emotional state giving them some thoughts which may be irrational and we are trying to give that person a little hope.

I can understand what you are saying but I have some close friends whom I would not want to live with me nor would I wish to see them on a hourly or even daily basis, sometimes. I think it is only natural to hold people we want in our everyday lives to higher standards. Of course, there are some, like Gem, who are completely happy and satisfied to live without a partner.

If you were an employer looking for a few good employees, would you hold everyone to the same qualifications? Would you expect an executive position and an entry level position to have the same requirements?

I am a friendly person and get along easily with most but it does not mean that I would want some of my acquaintances to live with me and to share my inner most thoughts with. It's just my opinion but I don't see anything bizarre about having higher standards for life partners. Perhaps if I didn't have the standards I do, the cheating may not have bothered me as much so I think your point of view does merit some thought. :)

I posed this same question to my therapist before I even left my STBX. He as very blunt: you may never find someone else. You may in fact be alone the rest of your life. Would staying in a miserable marriage be better to you than being alone? That's the question to ask yourself. So I did, and the answer was no, it was not better being in a miserable marriage. So I am now alone. But it's OK. I'm learning to be good being alone. I actually really like it. I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone again, and I really don't care at this point. I think it's important to get to a place of indifference before starting to date again. That way if someone comes into your life, it's because you want them there and not because you need them there.

Ohhh, I think I'm too deep in all the messy emotional stuff to know what I actually think about this. But thank you for posting it, and everyone for weighing in on it, and giving me lots of food for thought. I can see both sides of it, I'm just not sure which I agree with yet.

I really think NewBegin is taking what I say way to literally. If someone has a habit or trait that you can't or don't want to live with such as pornography or something else that you CAN"T live with, it
is better to find out before you get serious.
I'm NOT talking about little habits that we all get used to that the other person has. I'm talking about bad things that we can't live with.
Little things and even some big things, I put up with. Only you know if you can or can't.
If you truly love someone, you can put up with quite a bit and learn to compromise.
I would NEVER put up with anyone who only thought of their own feelings and not mine. Big stuff, and if you are looking for it, you can spot it.

Sorry if I offended you NewBegin, I sure didn't mean too.
My standards are really not high, It's just a few peoples are really low.

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

You have the power to create anything you wish.

There's so much fear, it seems, in people being alone.

Ive been alone for a long time....and yes, I feel indifference at this point. I'm embracing and enjoying it.

But, that's just me.

One thing I do know....it can only go up from here....I certainly couldn't do worse than my ex husband.

I'm not sure I'm a fan of comparing people though. I wouldn't want to be used as a measurement tool against anyone at all.

Just breathe...

I don't know if this helps, but there is never any guarantee that you won't be alone, even if you stay in a marriage. My grandfather died young and my grandmother has spent the last 20 years of her life "alone".

I am sorry you are having a low day - I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I am more concerned about getting myself stabilized - I feel like I am just now getting my footing again after a few years of treading water. I am enjoying getting to know this "new me" that is stabilized and rebuilding my foundation than being concerned about if I will be alone or not or if the next person will be better.

I don't mind being alone - and for now, I prefer it over being in a relationship. I want to build up my friendships and my life first. So far, I really like the life I have worked on designing for myself over the past few years - I am seeing all the hard work having finally paid off - and I am trying to enjoy it and continue growing. I am working on building a better me - not finding a better man.

xoxo

I am with Namaste - I have been alone for some time, after having done a spurt of dating, and i am indifferent to it. I don't mope or "woe is me" myself because I'm alone. I guess I don't view it at alone...I mean, why does a boyfriend/girlfriend define us as alone or not?

I'm never alone. I have a great kid, awesome coworkers, good friends, good family.

Having a man to "be there"...I just...well, like Namaste said, I'm indifferent. I don't see the overall point to having a man in my life, but I know everyone is different.

you can't see how now, because you are not ready.

Continue to cultivate the relationships/friendships you have now including the one you are rebuilding with yourself. Continue to work through what is still left in dealing with your feelings on the breakup.

don't look for what is not there right now, focus on what is.

I worried about this before the divorce. Worried that she was as good as it gets and that there would be slim pickings for people my age to date if I was single. For me , I realized that I wasn't happy and was willing to take the risk. Hell, being alone would be better than where I was.

Turns out it was not the problem I thought it would be. About a year after the divorce, I hard made some new friends and one friend even closer. We dated a little but it was long distance so it didn't work out. But what I discovered was that this new woman in my life was incredibly different than my ex wife. Where my wife was on a career and her thing and came across cold, my new friend was touchy feely sexy all over. We hit it off well and there was lots of passion. more actually than with any woman i have ever been with.

But it didn't work out and that is a little sad. But still. To discover someone like that even if only for a brief moment is a treasure. It has made me consider that the bar was way too *low* for what I had with my ex wife. If anything, I'm kinda glad I took a chance cause now I know what I have been missing. Now I have a much better idea what to look for and what I want and expect, and what I won't put up with, and what they might want or expect in return

What I discovered was that people come in all kinds and they are out there. The hard part is finding them. Don't fear the unknown. Just know that this, like anything, just takes time and effort.