Sometimes there's a reason for 'stuckness.'

My suggestion is to be with the stuckness. Stop trying to figure it out. Allow yourself to feel your stuckness and honor it however it comes out. (BTDT more times than I can count.)

We tend to stuff feelings we don't understand and/or are afraid of. That contributes to stuckness.

Loving and hating him are perfectly natural, as sucky as that is.

You said,
"I want to say bad things about him yet I struggle to because never in a million years did I think I would say these types of things about the person I've been in love with for nearly 20 years. "

Go ahead and write them all out. Do it over and over and over, as much as you need to. Each time you stop, take the paper and burn it. It may seem like a dumb ritual, but it helps to release the thoughts, especially when you create a funeral like ceremony around the burning. I can't tell you how many times I did this. (if you can't burn it, rip it into tiny shreds and bury it.)

I also wrote good bye letters telling him what I would and wouldn't miss about him. In the end, the would not misses way outnumbered the would misses. Burn those too.

I found that the anticipation of the upcoming anniversary, b-day, holiday, etc. is much worse than the actual day. (BTDT too) But whatever happens, allow yourself to feel all the feelings that rise up.

We must feel to heal is so true. Getting past the pain means having to go thru it.

You said you just need some love. Begin loving yourself by taking good care of you. Be kind and patient with yourself and don't beat yourself up for feeling or not feeling the way you feel.

~healing hugs~

Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. I really need that. I will definitely do what you suggest. I think writing things down will really help me. I have so many things running through my mind all the time maybe that will help me harness everything and get it out for good. Thank you again! I REALLY do appreciate you helping me through this awful time.

I filed for divorce a couple days before our anniversary and had him served right before Mother's Day. Believe me, you will just look at it as "another day". Actually, one thing I have learnt is that, from here on, you must live one day at a time. That's the way we'll get through this.

My wife did the same thing...loved her for 19 years

Two years post separation....I still struggle with it each day....but am so much better

I finally told her last week what I thought of her and that I never want to see her again as long as I live

It hurt but felt good.
I finally feel the same way she does

It sucks..is awful...confusing....but I am building a new and different life
I have new love and feel very positive about my future
The healing will continue

Thanks for sharing your stories and advice. Everything helps me. I have been feeling so alone lately and life is just a struggle. I'm trying to do my best but it's just so difficult. I always thought we were different and this would never happen to us but he proved me. Ugh.
Thank you!

Those feelings are normal. Its been over 3 years since I got divorced and most of the time I get along with my ex (we have kids together so we do talk a lot). I don't hate him anymore, I'm actually happily divorced and emotionally I'm content but even now, 3 years later, once in a while I do get so upset at him cause financially I'm struggling after the divorce and I do blame him for it and once in a while I still hate his guts. Writing help me a lot, I wrote on here, I had a notebook where I just babbled to myself, incoherent thoughts that only made sense to me but it did help.
I did felt like you, I never thought that this would happen to us, but it does proves that we are all human.
Praying for inner peace ....stay strong.

I'm sorry you are hurting, and although I do not wish this pain on anyone else, sometimes it is nice to know I am not alone...there is so much hurt I know I cant go back but at the same time I miss him and feel " half" a person sometimes.
We need to be good to ourselves, allow ourselves to grieve what once was but also hold our head high and look to a good future. I believe I have so much more love to give to myself and others, and I don't want miss out on doing that. I learn from the past and look forward to the future.