I'm so sorry you feel this way. I struggle too. It's been eleven months for me and overall it is better in that I am able to eat a meal and generally able to sleep through the night but I have my bad days too. Today is not a good day. I am having a mild anxiety attack. I developed anxiety attacks after my stbx moved out but haven't had one in awhile. I think it may be because it is a beautiful holiday weekend and we are not together as a family. Know that you will have your good days and your bad days for awhile. However the bad days will happen less frequently and will be less intense. Another post that I read awhile ago said that the first year is difficult because we go through alot of firsts without our spouse, ie first birthdays, holidays, etc. The second year gets better. Unfortunately I had hoped that I would be further ahead at this point. Take one day at a time. Find little things that give you pleasure. Keep busy and continue to socialize with friends and family as much as possible. It will get better. But it will take time. You may need medication short-term if you find yourself getting too depressed. If you have not yet done so, get a therapist who can help you through this. I wish you the best.

Life can be too much & I get tired too. But that's temporary. And it gets better when you do things to help heal yourself. Those things start with taking extra good care of yourself. And IMHO, the best thing you can do for you and your kids is to find a qualified therapist who specializes in recovery from abuse.

The right therapist can help you recover from living w/a controlling narcissist (who, if I remember correctly, is abusive). Your self esteem is understandably in the tank right now, but therapy can help - more than you know. It may take sorting thru several therapists, but there are good ones out there. You have every right to interview a therapist before starting therapy with them. This is a link to a thread (see reply #5) that lists some suggested interview questions. http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/20246893-my-therapist-doesnt-get

I went back to a couple of your posts and you said your stbx would get mad if you took the kids to therapy. That is the action of someone who doesn't care about his kids. Instead, I'm betting that like most narcissists, he only cares about himself.

The longer you put off getting you and your kids into therapy, the longer it will take to recover.

You will feel SO MUCH BETTER for going. But, know that it will take time - a lot of time. But slowly and surely, you and the kids will make progress. Something I learned in therapy is that as we (the parents) heal, so do the kids. If we don't get help, it's really hard to help the kids. So please do this for yourself and your kids.

~healing hugs~

Even unicorns poop. (Sorry, I've got a 13 year old girl...)

Yes, life can be too much sometimes.

What I do when it's like that, is I do chores. Yeah, not much fun, but not much different from when I'm miserable. And at least when I'm done I can look around and things look better for 5-15 minutes until my kids mess it up again.

I take comfort in that they WILL mess it up. There may come a day, when things all keep looking nice and pristine...but then I'll be alone.

And that's sort of life. It's messy. It's not fun much of the time. And I make mistakes.

So the relationship didn't work out. Well you don't want to stay with your STBX. The kids would go through pain anyway (I don't know their ages...mine are teens...everything is stable...and they're still miserable...that's being a teen...)

And ya know what, you're NOT the shittiest person alive. Just human, and like unicorns, humans poop too.

So feel miserable if you have to today. Tomorrow get up and do something to make it all better.

Patti

do unicorns really poop? is it the color of a rainbow? :)

My 7 yo daughter says that unicorns fart rainbows :)))

Patti (and all)...

Thank you so much for not judging and not flaming. I prayed to God to talk to me and maybe he spoke through you. Thanks a lot.

Multicolored poop isn't always a good thing....

It's easy to dwell on the past, have regrets, etc. It doesn't do you any good however. Try to focus on the future. Be the best Mom you can be, be the best YOU, you can be. As much as you want to give up sometimes think of your kids. This world is full of messed up people. It's likely our kids will experience the levels of pain that we have someday. And when that time comes they will need you to be there. I'm 36, and my dad hasn't always been the best father, but I rely on him to this day for advice. I know he won't be here forever, but I'm glad to have him today. Somethings you can't tell your friends, your coworkers, etc. So you HAVE to survive this for them! Sometimes my son is the only reason I can get up in the morning. He needs me as much as I need him.

The ups and downs are awful. One thing that helped me was seeing that my life can now be whatever I want it to be and I no longer have to suffer the mind games of my narcissistic sociopathic stbx.

And yes. Unicorns indeed do poop rainbows. Where did you think sprinkles came from?

I'm alarmed by your comment of not wanting to live anymore and that life is just too much. I think you should go see a therapist right away. Tell him/her exactly what you just said and all your feelings.

My marriage of 13 years is also ending. I'm very emotional about it. Our co-parenting counselor told me to go seek an independent counselor to talk about my feelings. I immediately dismissed this idea. I don't need to sit on Frasier Crane's couch and talk about how my mother didn't breast feed me long enough. I'm a tough guy, I'll get over this.

But then I had night panics. I'd wake up in the middle of the night feeling like someone was sitting on my chest. My heart was racing. So I scheduled the appointment.

The guy had me sit down with paper and colored ink markers. He asked me to draw pictures on one piece of paper which represented my current life and pictures on the other piece of paper to represent where I want my life to be. I did this (took about 20 min) and then we discussed the pictures.

I left thinking what a colossal waste of time and money that was. But then I've been thinking about those pictures all week. The images I drew from where my life IS were helping me identify things I've done wrong in the past or things I'd like to change. The pictures of where I'd like to be were helping me identify what I need to do to improve myself. I actually felt much better about the whole process.

So, take it from me, a die hard disbeliever in therapists: go see a therapist.

Joe, thanks a lot. I am already seeing a therapist. Some days it seems very helpful, some days it just feels like a waste of money and time. I was also seeing a psychiatrist who was also helpful but had to close his practice due to security reasons :) . I am on prescription meds for insomnia and depression, one makes me sleep through the night but makes me feel druggy in the morning, the other one makes me nauseous and gives me dry mouth. So on top of feeling like crap, I DO feel like crap :))))
I, however, have 2 amazing kids. Sadly, I can't tell you they are my motivation to get up in the morning. My motivation is knowing they are so incredibly amazing and they had no choice in this divorce thing, so the least I can do for them is to be the best mother I can be. Hope I make sense.
One day at a time.