Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I originally posted this in the "Life after Divorce" group. Seems this group is more active and offers great advice, so I'm posting it here. Sorry it's so lengthy! Just feeling very "stuck" right now on what the "right" thing to do is...
Hi there, I'm new to the board. I've yet to join a support group, and I really should. My ex and I have been divorced 7 years. Our son was 2 at the time. For most of our divorce, getting my ex to see his son has been like pulling teeth. Even though our parenting plan/decree states he has him every weekend, most weekends he'd plan trips to go out of state, out of country, etc. When he started dating again, we saw even less of the ex. Coming from a background of divorce and knowing how my mom did everything she could to keep my dad out of my life, I never wanted to do that to our son. When we divorced, I moved 5 min away. My door was always open. Even though he didn't take me up on the offer, we got along all right. Even his gf and I got along.
Then he broke up with the gf in 2013. By this time, I was re-married. We (my husband and I) were always the shoulder to cry on for my ex, even though he was the one who sabotaged his relationship by cheating on her multiple times. He was very "woe is me". He didn't understand how she'd dump him. He's very selfish and narcisstic and it's hard for him to see things logically.
December 2013 he informed me he'd met someone new. He knew her all of 3 weeks at this time. Due to this, he informed me he'd see less of our son now, because he had to see where this new relationship was headed. They got engaged two months later and just got married. The ex's new wife doesn't like me. She has a hard time with the fact that I'm the ex wife, and that we share a son together. She's never been married, has no children of her own. My ex told me himself that she's insecure. Soon after the engagement, the ex moved out of state to live with his now wife. He talks to our son maybe once every 3 weeks. And when I try to have a conversation with him, his wife is always in the background. He's also become much more critical of my parenting style, where he wasn't before. They've also sat my son down and told him he needs to start calling the new wife "mom". I told my son he shouldn't call anyone anything he's not comfortable with. He's barely known this woman nearly a year, if that. When they got married, it was the 2nd time he'd met her! This in and of itself shows me how insecure she is.
I am trying to keep the peace, but those two are driving me nuts. I keep trying to have my son's best interest at heart, and I know for him, getting along with his dad would be a good thing, but I don't know how much more I can take. I needed to vent and to maybe seek out some guidance. Should I say something to the ex? Or keep my mouth shut?
Hi there, I'm new to the board. I've yet to join a support group, and I really should. My ex and I have been divorced 7 years. Our son was 2 at the time. For most of our divorce, getting my ex to see his son has been like pulling teeth. Even though our parenting plan/decree states he has him every weekend, most weekends he'd plan trips to go out of state, out of country, etc. When he started dating again, we saw even less of the ex. Coming from a background of divorce and knowing how my mom did everything she could to keep my dad out of my life, I never wanted to do that to our son. When we divorced, I moved 5 min away. My door was always open. Even though he didn't take me up on the offer, we got along all right. Even his gf and I got along.
Then he broke up with the gf in 2013. By this time, I was re-married. We (my husband and I) were always the shoulder to cry on for my ex, even though he was the one who sabotaged his relationship by cheating on her multiple times. He was very "woe is me". He didn't understand how she'd dump him. He's very selfish and narcisstic and it's hard for him to see things logically.
December 2013 he informed me he'd met someone new. He knew her all of 3 weeks at this time. Due to this, he informed me he'd see less of our son now, because he had to see where this new relationship was headed. They got engaged two months later and just got married. The ex's new wife doesn't like me. She has a hard time with the fact that I'm the ex wife, and that we share a son together. She's never been married, has no children of her own. My ex told me himself that she's insecure. Soon after the engagement, the ex moved out of state to live with his now wife. He talks to our son maybe once every 3 weeks. And when I try to have a conversation with him, his wife is always in the background. He's also become much more critical of my parenting style, where he wasn't before. They've also sat my son down and told him he needs to start calling the new wife "mom". I told my son he shouldn't call anyone anything he's not comfortable with. He's barely known this woman nearly a year, if that. When they got married, it was the 2nd time he'd met her! This in and of itself shows me how insecure she is.
I am trying to keep the peace, but those two are driving me nuts. I keep trying to have my son's best interest at heart, and I know for him, getting along with his dad would be a good thing, but I don't know how much more I can take. I needed to vent and to maybe seek out some guidance. Should I say something to the ex? Or keep my mouth shut?
Your job as a Mom is to be the best Mom you can be. I think it would be terrific if your kids father was interested in him, but it seems he just is not, and you can't change him, especially with who he is married too.
Just my opinion----If it were me, I would concentrate on being the best Mom I could be, relax and have fun with my son and maybe your husband could pick up some of the slack to be a male role model for your son.
I wouldn't bad mouth your ex in front of your son, but I would no longer try and force a relationship. Your son can make his own decision when he is older.
I do know kids that prefer their step dads over their biological dads.
I wish you and your son the very best.
That is another thing. I do my best not to talk badly about my ex around my son. It's something I've always believed in doing. My parents were terrible with that. I learned a lot from watching how they were while divorced, I didn't want to do that to my son.
I think you are both right. I need to just let this go and do what I need to do, and let my ex make his own decisions on how much he wants to be in his son's life. I'll always have my door open for him, but I can't keep chasing him to have a relationship with his son. I feel guilt though, when I don't try. Like I'm not being a good enough mother to keep on facilitating a relationship between those two. But when do I stop being the glue and let my ex pick up the responsibility of being in his son's life, you know?