So the weekend was not quite as bad as i feared but it did have it's moments.  My husband has picked up my son to take him out one night last week and got into a small car accident.  Nobody hurt thank god but the airbags went off so the car had to be towed away.  Waiting on the insurance co to see if it will be fixed or totaled.  I had to pick up my son and my husband and take them home.  My son to my house and my husband to my friends house where he is staying.  I have had to be in constant contact with him since then because the car belongs to both of us and since he didn't have a car to drive he needed a ride to do a few things.  Thursday we spend the night together at my olders son's lacrosse game and i took him "home"again.  Things were awkward but not completely uncomfortable.  The turn happened on Saturday morning.  Now this is where i admit that i did something I am so completely not proud of.  I hacked his cell phone bill to see who he has been talking to.  Turns out he has been texting 2 girls.  One i knew of and it turns out they truly are just friends.  One i did not know about until he spent all friday texting back and forth with her.  This is the one that sent me over the edge.  Saturday morning i had to drive him to the body shop to clean out our car.  He knew I was mad and wanted to know why.  So I finally admitted what i did with the phone bill and i knew he was texting other people. He was not happy but he did understand why I did it.  I have to say this forced us to have the most open and honest conversation we have had since he left over a month ago.   I asked him straight out if someone were to put divorce papers in front of him now would he sign them.  He said he honestly did not know.  He says he can't say 100% yes he would sign them without them actually being in front of him and a pen in his hand.  WE talked for quite a while after that about why he is so hesitant to agree to try anything to work this out.  His answer was nothing is going to be the same after this.  I agreed.  Of course it isn't going to be the same.  But there is the chance that we could come out stronger and with a better marriage too.  Just because it won't be the same does not mean it will be worse.   He is still not willing to agree to anything right now but I did ask him to please just think about this very carefully for a while before he makes any decisions.  22 years together deserves at least that.  And this is not just about me and him.  We do have a family.  He agreed to this and said he will definitely give it the thought and consideration that the situation deserves.  We had to spend time together Sat night and yesterday morning for a while because he didn't have a car to drive until we picked up his rental.  And i have to say the air was so much more relaxed now that we got everything out in the open.  He even offered to take me to dinner after xmas for doing all of this for him.  I am not looking at that with anything other than what it is.    

I have made a conscious decision to move forward with my life for me and my kids.  Do I hope during all of this thinking he needs to do that he will realize that what we have is worth trying to save?  ABSOLUTELY!  But I am not going to bank everything i have on it.  I am also not going to resort to any more underhanded snooping or anything like that.  It made me feel like garbage.  At the end of the day this man has been my best friend as well as my husband.  And I am not willing to lose my friend in all of this.  And as mad as i am and heartbroken he really is a great guy.  And i know he will always have my back.  I feel awful for the people that cannot say this. I'm not going to say this is going to be easy.  I went to get my xmas tree yesterday and completely lost it for a little while once i got back in my driveway.  And decorating it with all of our ornaments from over the years broke my heart.  There are going to be setbacks like that and as long as i can move past them i'll be ok, someday.