Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Guess I need a litttle support

llmt
llmt
Ok....to give a litle insight on me I am truly the queen of guilt no holds barred on that. My H and I have been separated for 8 months albiet still in the same house due to financial reasons. I have been working on about 4 hours or less sleep for the past year due to all this mental anguish of doing what is right for me and my kids and am exhausted. I have a friend, shall you say, and we get along really good and has helped me thru my rough times. I haven't seen him in some time so I met him for some wings and beer last night got home about 11:30. As it turns out my 6 year old got extremely sick in the middle of the night and his dad took care of him. He said he came in my room and couldn't wake me. I feel sooo bad about that b/c I don't sleep well and I have always heard my kids, even a pin drop. I should have been the one to take care of him and his dad looked at me with somewhat disgust or what I perceive as that. Again, let me tell you that he is the one that cheated on me not once but twice in that he never stopped and continues his relationship..which I have for the most part accepted or at least I think I do. I feel bad in that for the first time I wasn't there for my child when he needed me. Not that his dad is NOT capable but I have always been there when they are sick..always cleaned up the messes. I guess I am so exhausted and it scares me...scares me that he may use that against me if he had to that I didn't hear my kid. I know I am probably being unreasonable by thinking that but as a mom you expect to do it all and I can't...I can't juggle a full-time job, get them everywhere, have time for myself...and for that I am a failure. I feel guilty I went out for a beer and a laugh, maybe to take my mind off this divorce shit and was not able to hear him because I did so. Just need an opinion..good or bad here.
deleted_user
deleted_user
llmt,

It's simple really, he plays on your guilt, and anything concerning the kids, he knows will bring you to your knees. He's saying in essence, I know how to get you to hand me your power, now fork it over.

So, he actually showed up as a Dad, ONCE, and he's going to use that against you? Yah, not so much.

I practically breast fed my kids growing up. Everyone seems to conveniently forget that now, including them! But I know it, and that's good enough for me.

You know this man as well as he knows you. Use that if you must, and quit handing your power over to him. I am not saying use his weak spots against him... okay, yes I am... outwit, out play, outlast.

Stop being a doormat, and start kicking some ass llmt. You are smarter than he is... ;o)

-Tom
deleted_user
deleted_user
these two are right. Going out with a friend and sleeping soundly on a night your child (who is also HIS child BTW) happened to get sick does not make you a bad person or mother. You are not a failure just because the ahole says you are. He cannot use this little incident against you. No way. You are human and you need sleep. You went out? well, so what. I'm sure he does, too. I hope you get some good sleep soon, my friend.
deleted_user
deleted_user
What TD said. He can try to hold it against you for his own gain but, in the grand scheme of things, you are the one that has been the nurturer. If their father still dwells under the same roof, then, looking after the children and sharing the responsibility is just simly responsible of him to do the right thing. You are not a machine. I've slept through some of the times that my children had needed help...it doesn't make me a monster. It made me a tired human.

One time, I slept through my daughter's cry of help. She had gotten sick to her stomach. Since mommy didn't run to her rescue as always, she got up and threw up on me as she tried to wake me up. I woke up!

Don't let him guilt you. Don't question yourself. You are a loving mother who has been there for them and will continue to be there. You are also human....give youself a break. He needs to STFU and do his part also.
LKess
LKess
Mommy guilt is the worst kind.
YOU PHYSICALLY CANNOT DO EVERYTHING!!!! There I said it......
I am so glad to hear that you went out and did something for yourself. You needed to do that. Every parent needs to do that! Now take your refreshed mind and go do EVERYTHING for your kids like you always do. Hugs! Hugs! and more Hugs!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Everyone else already already conveyed what I suspect you know, but won't allow yourself to believe. Love ya, Cookie. Time for you to love yourself a bit more and cut yourself some slack.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Valerian root helped my daughter when she was struggling with sleep issues. You can get it anywhere, but we get it at a health store. It's like herbal Valium. Melatonin helps too.

You are a good mom, you are there for your kids, don't beat yourself over one time. You're exhausted, emotionally and physically. Once you get everything straightened out, you will probably feel a lot better.

And he needs to get used to doing that stuff, once you guys start living apart, he'll be taking care of him without you even there. And he'll see it's not that easy.
llmt
llmt
I thank you all and in my head..I know you are all right...my heart is too big and that takes over a lot...I wish I were like the Grinch with nothing for a heart. That being said I know I am tired which scares me. You are all good people and great friends and thank you again from the bottom of my exploding heart...and puke covered fingers...yes I am cleaning out the tub...ugggh!
ChiTownBear
ChiTownBear
everyone has already said what I would have and you needed to have resonate. I hope you can find some peace with all this for yourself so you can have many more restful sleep filled night.

((llmt))
deleted_user
deleted_user
Better than cleaning yourself after the rugrat pukes all over your face, neck and chest....I'm going to write on my daughter's DS profile that she is evil for throwing up on me. I had forgotten that until I saw your post....she will love it! We laugh at the memories....they love me as yours will laugh with you when they are grown.
llmt
llmt
Oh and part of it is...and I think another DSer touched on this is that it seems they are more into their dad..which deep down I am happy about but I feel useless now. I wanted my babies so much and it took me such a long time and many a heartache to have them and have them carried to term. I would never pit them against him..even for what he did. That is just not in my nature..even though in times of anger I have wanted to or said stuff to HIM with regards to that. He has stepped up and it seems I have stepped down however not intentional. Funny I seem to be losing train of thought a lot and forgetting things...HE doesn't.
deleted_user
deleted_user
As far as that is concerned, do take the high road. There's plenty other ways to get at him, without involving them. When they are old enough, they will understand precisely what occurred, and you won't "lose" them. They will get it.
ChiTownBear
ChiTownBear
what makes you think they are more in to him? or he has stepped up in their eyes and you have stepped down?
runnerkate
runnerkate
Ah, a mothers guilt. I also agree with the other posters here, he is playing on your guilt and guess what...just cause you divorce/eperate doesn't mean mom is the only one responsible!!! That always bugsme regardless of a families situation... it always mom that takes off work that gets up at night (or is expected to) ... you are a good mom ... you feel guilty which in my book is enough of a burdon. Keep your head up. I think you did the right thing and its okay to go out, its okay to sleep. You are there and always will be. You recognize what some dads fail to see and that is a good thing. Don't feel so guilty. Take care of yourself. Parenting is hard enough!