Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This came from the website MIDLIFE DIVORCE RECOVERY and I just found it enlightening. Maybe it can help some of us understand how our spouses, who have moved forward so quickly, are able to do that seemingly with no remorse. Maybe? I don't know.....
"Good people often grieve. Those who hurt others purposely or with full understanding of their actions don't usually grieve unless they come to their senses and at some point understand the damage they have done. Grief means you comprehend the consequences of hurtful actions. I am not putting myself up as an unusually good person, but I do grieve when I have done something that hurts someone else. Especially someone I love. My inner compass of right and wrong would not be working correctly if I did not feel pain at my wrong actions. If I felt 'nothing,' that would mean my conscience is seriously damaged. Do any of us know a straying, adulterous, or calloused spouse who really grieves their actions? Most often they seem to feel nothing ... no regret, no sorrow, no remorse. They seem to go merrily along, regardless of who is hurt in the process. In all my work with divorced people who did not want their divorces, they have grieved. Those (men or women) who left 'to find themselves, or to marry a younger person or to fulfill his or her dreams, don't seem to grieve that decision. They leave the grieving to those who understand that grief is a normal reaction to wrong. Grief means you understand good and evil. Grief means that you are a fully living, breathing, caring, loving human being. Grief is hard. But it reinforces the idea that some things deserve grieving. Good people will grieve life's losses and then find the will and the way to move forward, stronger and more careful not to cause grief or hurt themselves. The selfish, self-centered, unloving person feels ... nothing. They not only do not feel the grief; they do not feel the joy of real love and real caring and real life. I agree with Faulkner, I'll take grief and true, good life every time. The only other option is nothingness."
"Good people often grieve. Those who hurt others purposely or with full understanding of their actions don't usually grieve unless they come to their senses and at some point understand the damage they have done. Grief means you comprehend the consequences of hurtful actions. I am not putting myself up as an unusually good person, but I do grieve when I have done something that hurts someone else. Especially someone I love. My inner compass of right and wrong would not be working correctly if I did not feel pain at my wrong actions. If I felt 'nothing,' that would mean my conscience is seriously damaged. Do any of us know a straying, adulterous, or calloused spouse who really grieves their actions? Most often they seem to feel nothing ... no regret, no sorrow, no remorse. They seem to go merrily along, regardless of who is hurt in the process. In all my work with divorced people who did not want their divorces, they have grieved. Those (men or women) who left 'to find themselves, or to marry a younger person or to fulfill his or her dreams, don't seem to grieve that decision. They leave the grieving to those who understand that grief is a normal reaction to wrong. Grief means you understand good and evil. Grief means that you are a fully living, breathing, caring, loving human being. Grief is hard. But it reinforces the idea that some things deserve grieving. Good people will grieve life's losses and then find the will and the way to move forward, stronger and more careful not to cause grief or hurt themselves. The selfish, self-centered, unloving person feels ... nothing. They not only do not feel the grief; they do not feel the joy of real love and real caring and real life. I agree with Faulkner, I'll take grief and true, good life every time. The only other option is nothingness."
It's like what I've said before--without sadness there would be no happiness because everything would be the same...
It just sucks giant hairy sweaty Moose b*lls that we have to experience so much sadness/pain--hopefully that means that we will have much happiness and joy to come.
Hugs to you for sharing: (((cwalla)))
cwalla what you say is so true ,thanks for the post.
My second wife was a momma's girl in her late 30's. She was never going to be closer to me than to her mother or her siblings. So, after four years, I divorced her and set her free to be married to them instead of me. I had no choice.
No tears will break down their wall
To see you weak empowers their guilt
which they deny to acknowledge at all
As through the shuddering nights that you cry
your mind relentlessly at war
Know that you are not alone
Pickup your heart from the floor
You are STRONGER than this, you WILL love again
though now words are a meaningless sound
But soon you will know just how it all makes sense
As new love in your will resound