Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

tailspin916 03/03/2015

I appreciate all the advice I've been getting from this site. I believe this site is very helpful on so many levels. Common themes here are to live for me and focus on me. Avoid contact with her as much as possible, even if she still lives with you. Also, "Why give her the benefit of being a husband while she's not being a wife?"
A friend who went through a divorce a few years ago said, "Be as kind and be as available to her as much as you can, because the nicer you are to her, the less likely she will screw you over during the divorce process. If you piss her off, she will make the entire divorce process hell." He also added, "Once the divorce is over, then you can say whatever you want and be as much of an ass you want to be. Until then, you might have to walk on eggshells."

Does he have a point? Should I cater to her or do I stand my ground?

murphytoronto 03/03/2015

Ah, I very much agree with your friend...
I believe that is the best policy to get through this process

MrCellophane 03/03/2015

There is wisdom in your friend's advice. No matter what, the process of divorce sucks a lot. And the more "suck" you can remove from the process, the better. But... There is also a reason you two are (apparently) moving towards divorce. Is your situation such that she actually COULD screw you over in the divorce? Will being "nice" now somehow cause you to lose more (i.e., self-respect, money, kids, etc.)?

rgrimmy13 03/03/2015

I have to agree, but it is tough. I was as nice as possible, but it still became very contentious the final day when she tried to pull a few fast ones. The more you can keep the lawyers out of the initial bargaining process, the cheaper for you. Dont sign anything without them going over it though. Standing your ground will likely lead to many back and forths between lawyers ($$$$) and a judge having to decide the final seperation agreement, which would likely be pretty close to an agreement that would have worked out between the two of you.

It might feel good to lash out after the divorce is final, but Id advise to try and keep things civil if you have to deal with her due to children. They can still initiate actions after everything is final regarding the kids, or other matters, just out of spite. I made it easier on myself and just cut off all communication with her, except e-mail.

Missy73 03/03/2015

I agree with your friend to an extent. It's better both emotionally and financially to keep things from becoming contentious. That being said, you're laying the groundwork for your future relationship with her. If you will have contact with her after the divorce because of children/stepchildren, joint assets that have to be divided at a later date etc., you want to make sure you're not seen as a doormat. You also don't want to make legal decisions that will negatively impact you later (like agreeing to pay more than an a reasonable amount of alimony) just for the sake of keeping the peace. I'd love to tell my husband what I think of him but I know that it will just start the ball rolling downhill so I limit contact so I can make it out of this nightmare relatively unscathed.

tailspin916 03/03/2015

I honestly don't know how she'll react one way or the other. She's been a totally different person the last 2 months. I really don't know her anymore. After 10 years being together, she's become someone I never knew.

I guess it's better to be safe than sorry and tread lightly.

MrCellophane 03/03/2015

I have a friend that got divorced some years ago. It was bitter, viscous, and acrimonious. He had a lawyer, she had a lawyer, and a lawyer had been appointed by the court for their children (who my friend had to pay). They all spent two 9 hour days in a conference room fighting tooth and nail over the division of the Christmas ornaments. At $800 per hour for the 3 attorneys. Crazy.

Now? My friend AND his ex regret every penny they spent.

Join the Conversation