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Going through the motions

marieds
marieds
I posted a while back and truly thought I was going to be filing soon. Still married and living in the same house with all three kids and two dogs. I have no love feelings for my husband and it's just like we are basically roommates. We haven't been intimate or even touched one another since December and I'm completely fine with that. I don't want to do 50/50 custody of the kids like he wanted to do and I don't want to hurt the kids but we truly aren't showing them what a good marriage is supposed to be. Husband says that he loves me and wants me in his life and to die being married to me and wants to be together forever. I don't see that. I'm not happy and I don't know if I can be happy with him. We've been together for 21 years, married for soon to be 15. I am 38 years old and find myself wanting to be so much happier, wishing to be happy and to find someone who truly appreciates me and loves me and doesn't treat me like crap, although husband hasn't been mean and nasty in a while because I think he knows it will TRULY be the END. I just want it to be over. Want my kids to be happy and adjusted and be secure financially and emotionally. If it werent' for my children I would have been gone ages ago...I just can't seem to make the move for fear of pure devastation for them....advice?!
timbob463
timbob463
The devastation for them is living there and watching a dysfunctional marriage. Staying together for the kids is never a valid reason. Find a lawyer, find a support group like divorce care in your area. They even have divorce care for kids. It helps them deal with the divorce as well. I pray it all works out for you. We are all here for your support as well.
charming37
charming37
The thing is.... your kids won't be around forever. I know that right now while you're so busy with your life revolving around theirs, it doesn't seem like that. But one day, it's going to be just the two of you. And what then? Do you think they'll handle a divorce better at the age of 21 as opposed to 14? Nope. They will, however, feel like their life was a complete lie.

What kind of model are you giving your children? Your kids are watching your every move, and they'll follow your lead. They can see that there isn't any spark between mom and dad. They're probably intuitive enough to realize that you're just going through the motions; to them, that's what marriage is supposed to be like. Don't you want your children to seek happiness?

Girl, it's going to be tough. There's no way around it. I would start some family counseling with the kids. They don't have to know right away, but you can start some healthy communication and coping skills. You can prepare for the emotional impact.

Hang in there. You deserve love and happiness just as much as everyone else.
ReadLovePray
ReadLovePray
I feel like I wrote this post myself. I am in the same situation as you, just going through the motions. I have two children as well and am staying for them right now. I can't imagine living with them half time, I feel like I would miss so much and the thought of them hurting wrecks me. We have been together for 24 years, since we were 16, and married 11. We have always had communication issues and I have always felt like I was not a priority in his life, going out and being with friends was first, but I was completely in love with him so I stayed. I always felt like i loved him more than he loved me. As the years went on my self-esteem and self worth went in the gutter. Our communication got worse and we grew father and father apart. I would try to talk to him about this and he said he would change but nothing ever did. After so many years of this I just gave up trying and just did what I had to do for me and the kids to get by. I was the main bread winner, the child care provider, the maid, the accountant, I did everything with nothing in return. So eventually I fell out of love with him. There is no connection left and I feel like I wont be able to be in love with this man again. I dont know what to do because I dont want to break up this family for my kids, I feel incredible guilt that I can't fix this and just love him again the way I used too. I know we both deserve to be happy but that comes with such a high price.