why are we so cruel to ourselves?! ... my mind tortures myself with images and thoughts of my ex too... not constant anymore... but still catch myself sometimes...it helps to be present... to remind myself that I have no clue what their reality is like...and I do find distraction helps... call a friend... stay focused on yourself and doing things you enjoy... and hang in there...

I am right there with you. I cannot have more sympathy for you- it is destructive and it never seems to go away no matter how much you want it to or how hard you try.
I am curious to hear what has worked for others. I get so distraught that it may never go away.
I was unfortunate to not only be made aware of someone else but to be made witness to it all. The night I moved out of our house for a trial separation, my ex brought a man she had been secretly dating back to the house knowing full well that I was going to be there throughout the night moving my things. I even told her I was coming back to the house right before I found them. Windows wide open, a door that in 8 years we had never locked, going at it in the throes; all for me to witness. This is just days after I confronted her about my suspicions and I was assured that there would be no physical relationships during our separation. I felt like I had turned to ash in those moments, the world ceased. I threw my ring through the window at them, and walked away completely numb. I was already heartbroken where we were, and I'll admit that I nearly killed myself that night.
That experience has colored every detail in every email, text and picture that I have seen since. Everything is animated by that moment. It infected my mental state to the point of distraction and sadly as I was trying to make my way on my own I ended up losing my job a few months later because I was unable to get my brain out of its own way. I had no focus despite my best efforts.
I do believe that time will heal. It gets better the further it is in the rearview. I recently took another job that keeps me so physically and mentally engaged I have little time for all the other things to enter my mind. Keep busy. You know the old saying about the devil and idle hands.
I know how you feel. Its terrible. Keep on keeping' on. Sending you positive thoughts for the future.

You say that time will heal it, you are trying everything and nothing has worked, but there is something more fundamental: you MUST find the place where this is broken, there is a tape loop playing in your mind and STOP it.

You need to really *FEEL* what you body is telling you while you repeatedly play these images in your mind. Trust me, the two things are happening simultaneously. The body and the mind are constantly stimulating and engaging with each other.

As you replay these mental images it will make you feel anxious, nauseous, bilious, caustic with pressure building in your heart and chest. and on the other hand - if you feel uncomfortable, uneasy, or lethargic, it will stimulate your mind to produce the images of the trauma that are bothering you.

I imagine you must feel terrible anxiety and I am sorry for you. I will bet that somewhere deep in your past, there is a resonating memory that connects to what has just happened.

This might be an abandonment issue, or some other type of core issue. Your current situation and your childhood memories are resonating with each other.

I am not singling you out as being the only one with core issues. We often choose our partners subconsciously to justify some belief coming from a core wound.

Once you have identified the feelings from your current mental loops, and/or your buried core wounds, there is a technique called EFT that can desensitize you to them. I use it all the time and if I have a minute, I will make a video for you and post the link that walks you through the process of using EFT.

I found i just wont think about the two of them
Together. I try to keep her out of my mind, like
Blockage. My ex was the married one she wasnt

I am mad at him and blame him, he was the one
that said His vows, And broke all of them.

I do think about her just not with him, it will drive
You insane if you let it keep rolling in your brain.

(((((( hugs ))))))

The mind can be your worst enemy.

You seem to have done what many of us would suggest. I know you are afraid that only time will heal this but it's a process you will have to go through since nothing is working.

I can honestly say that I understand. I went through the same emotions with an ex and I literally felt sick. I felt like nothing could take away the pain I felt. But the truth is, it's okay to mourn what you once had... It's life and it's definitely a workout for the heart.

So my advice is to mourn, stay proactive, spend more time with a friend or family who knows what you are going through and who doesn't mind being there for you. You will get through this, not tomorrow or next week but you will eventually.

I really feel for you. I'm going through this for the second time. The first time, my wife (a 22 year relationship) cheated on me and made sport of leaving clues around the house, and giving details to my friends. When I finally found out, it was quite graphic and I was plagued for months with images of them doing the things I'd heard described.
Mind you, I lost the ability to visualize as a teen. And though that might seem like a blessing, my mind works overtime trying to construct it's closest approximation. Operating in a verbal/spatial environment, my thoughts come in single file. When every thought contains these unwanted images, I'm locked in a cage with them. Each thought brought waves of burning pain from my forehead to my toes and my heart would beat out of my chest. Eventually, the physical symptoms would occur first, as a countdown to the coming image. I became suicidal, and was eventually diagnosed with PTSD (I felt ridiculous with that label). Time in that case simply did not heal it. Realizing how malevolent her behavior was eventually helped, But meeting someone new was the only thing to stop it.
Unfortunately, the very woman who saved me from that torture, who i called Angel for that very reason, and who I wanted to spend the rest of my days with just came out to me as a lesbian after seven years. The thoughts are back. A combination of replaying all my ingrained fantasies and new ones that contain the woman in her future. In this case, I don't have an obvious out. Setting aside all the what ifs, I can't fault her for finally being true to herself. We still love each other and I'm trying my best to follow my beliefs and support and celebrate her realization. Meanwhile, I feel like I'm drowning in fire. Aside from the torture of the thoughts is the feeling that it's disrespectful to have them. That I should be focused on her. I've been disallowed from telling anyone what exactly has happened. Those few who know something's up, pester me with questions, trying to get me to tell them. Meanwhile, she's getting a steady stream of support and congratulations. I want to be fully invested in her new world, but my feelings haven't changed, and the thoughts that conjures are torture. I feel utterly lost.

honestly, i had my ex come back twice, they did nothing that me and him ever did. you should not beat yourself up about it. i thought that too for a bit, she's having the time i should be having with him, turns out. it wasn't. in the end he wanted me, to this day he tells his friends that is the biggest regret in his life leaving me. he chose 2nd over 1st...... what you had is special. what they did is nothing compared to what you two shared.

Here is a great article I found that may help you with your situation. It also references a book in the article that may help you -- "Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies For Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries" by Guy Winch, PhD. Here is the website link to the article --

http://www.happify.com/hd/stop-dwelling-on-negative-thoughts/


Hoping for your peace of mind!!

LM8289