Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Getting dumped

drowningindayton
drowningindayton
Being the dumper in the beginnings of a painful divorce is so painful. It's not just rejection but rejection in the most profound way. It comes from the person that you were supposed to love forever and love you back. Ironically, the more they say "no" the more desperate you want them back. Reading other entries, people who initiate divorce also sound like they hurt to a certain degree. However, they have the advantage of power in making the fateful decision. They are further along the process of emotionally and psychologically distancing themselves from the situation. My soon to be ex-wife has already taken off her rings and started going on dates. The thought of dating myself seems so strange and gut wrenching...I guess I am still processing this. Do you have any thoughts or insights? How long does it take to grieve after losing the love of your life?
strwberryginger
strwberryginger
First, I have read it takes around two years to feel "healed" from a divorce, but I don't think there is any magical timeframe, take as long or little time as you feel you need. Next, see a counselor, peer support or someone you can really talk deeply to so that you can work through the grief process. I am in the middle as far as being the "dumper/ dumped", my husband had an affair and two years ago, we tired to make it work and then a emotional affair with a co worker became " to much " for my heart to handle, so I asked him to separate. He moved in with her the next day. I "back peddled" and asked him to work things out a week later, to move back out of state where we lived before. he told me no. I have found that, we love eachother, it has been 4 months now, we talk and are so close and there are times I want him back and deep down I feel so rejected. BUT I also know it takes two to make or brake a marriage. What I need to focus on now is being myself, finding who I am, finding what I want, and being open to possibilities that life might had.
Be present and future focused, look back at the past as guidance and wisdom but cherish small steps in the present and look to the great things ahead.
MyTrueColors
MyTrueColors
I'm so sorry for your pain.

Please don't assume that the dumper has all power in making the fateful decision. It's just not so. At some point we, the dumpers, end up giving up. But not until we're done everything possible to save the marriage. Most dumpers don't take the decision lightly and they hurt just as much as the dumpee, maybe more.

There are many reasons a dumper would make that final decision to leave: abuse, addiction, adultery, cruelty, emotional affair(s), lack of effort on the other's part to save the marriage, lack of connection, mental disorders, etc.

Most of the experts I've read/heard say it takes 1-2 yrs for every 5-7 years of marriage (or being together). Healing is not a linear process. At best it zig zags, goes in circles, sideways and up and down. There is a great amount of grieving a multi-faceted loss like divorce.

PLEASE wait to start dating until you have healed. Getting back into the dating circle too soon really isn't fair to the people you date if you haven't done your own 'inner' work. I believe that the reason so many subsequent relationships/marriages fail is because neither party clears out the 'junk in their trunks.'

Check out divorce support groups in your area. I really got a lot out of Rebuilding (www.rebuilding.org). There's another group, www.divorcecare.com that is Bible based.

Do you work. Honor and feel your feelings without judgment. Take however much time you need to grieve. And take good care of yourself.

~healing hugs~