You need a lawyer if you're dividing assets especially with the person you're describing.

Get one or you will regret it

No, there is no check list, but there are 1,000 different ways to formalize the end a marriage, based upon all the variables that are particular to each marriage. From what you've written, it sounds like you are trying to head toward something more like mediation, where you work out issues before you each bring your settlement to your own review attorneys. Even if you're not doing mediation, it is best to work out between you two whatever you can, otherwise the lawyer bills increase, sometimes disgustingly dramatically. Does he know you're seriously leaving? Was he a little better when he found out you were leaving because he wants to end the marriage and wants you out, or because he was trying to be on his better behavior in hopes you wouldn't leave?

I would consult an attorney right away. If this doesn't set him off, something else will if he's an abusive guy with control issues, but you need to be prepared as much as you can from a legal standpoint. You don't know what he's doing in terms of having his own lawyer - controlling people generally don't wait around to have things done to them, they do things to others, right? You don't have to have him served right away, and until he is served, he might not even know you're in communications with an attorney. And yes, look for a new place to live, line up counseling for the kids if you think they'll need it, get that home appraisal, get all of the family financials in place (paper copies as well as digital). Pissed off stbxs sometimes like to sabotage their partners.

I lived with my ex for 2 years after I told him I wanted a divorce. There was so much stress and strife during that 2 year period, I seriously don't know how I survived it as well as I did. He went on with his life, pretending things were normal during that time, I had to do everything to move the divorce forward. I even had to have my lawyer write up a few court motions to have him do the "right thing", such as stop withholding his pay (he was living here but stopped depositing his check into the joint account, he wanted to only pay whatever bills he saw fit, which is insane), and finish the building of the new house so we could put it up for sale. Generally, the way a person behaves during the marriage will be the way they behave during the divorce, with the negatives accentuated. You're right to fear him getting super aggressive and pissed off. Protecting yourself and the kids is paramount.

Depending on where you live, the county could have a legal aid office where you file for divorce.

It is worth checking into it.

Thanks for the replies. I am trying to find a lawyer now. The last 6 months have been like you describe--xH was living in denial and hoping I'd change my mind even though I was very clear on that not happening. He was on his best behavior which made things easier but now I see that was just more manipulation. He doesn't even want me to tell anyone about the divorce and keeps posting happy pics online. He has also refused to help move the process along and told me he will sign papers but never file them. Then the second I contacted a realtor, he accused me of trying to scam him (I have no clue what he means) and is insisting on getting his own realtor. I know it will only get worse until I get out of that house.

Yes unfortunately once he finds out this is for real, trust me, that lawyer will be your best friend

Remember he is not your friend, and anything he says or does is now self serving and designed so he comes out of this on top.

Its unfortunate that it's this way but in 90℅ of the cases it is

I've said this many times here - if someone had told me my ex was going to pull the stuff he pulled, I would have laughed in their face

Sometimes I still can't believe it.

Yup, my ex gave the boot to a realtor I picked out, who his own lawyer approved of. I told him to get one of his choosing, he never did. The second I picked out was a guy he knew, very respected in town, a great guy. He still said he wanted to get his own. He never did, and we went with the second guy because it had been 5 months since we talked about selling and even his lawyer was starting to get annoyed. My ex did every stall tactic he could think of and always had an "innocent" excuse as to why things weren't done, or reviewed, or ready. He's passive aggressive to the max.
We settled 4 business days before our court date. I wanted mediation from the beginning, but he wouldn't do it. He was never ready to divorce, we would still be married living separate dysfunctional lives if I hadn't pulled the plug. It was more important for him to have the appearance of a happy marriage in a brand new house than to actually be happy. He actually said that, well not those words exactly. I'm rambling now, sorry. My point is to prepare for a lot of stalling and lying. What dandelion says, he's not your friend. Trust your lawyer. Do whatever you can to push the process. My divorce cost me $40,000 because he wouldn't cooperate. It's sickening, and I never thought he'd go so low.

Be very careful. Everyone is different so it's hard to give good instructions. Keep your guard up. If you can stay with Family until it's all over.

I agree with dandelion get in touch with a lawyer immediately there is no good to come out of this believe me I am in the same situation the exact situation there is no happy medium for a sociopath I've learned this the hard way

It seems that you’ve done your part to make this circumstance easier for you and your husband. Since there seems to be many uncertainties, seeking a lawyer who is well-respected in the field of divorce would be the next step I'd make. As far as checklists, it would be a good idea to take one filled with questions you'd like to ask when you meet with a lawyer. It might be helpful for you to take notes of what he says, too!