Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband and i have been together for 12 years and married for 8. We have 3 kids, 10, 6 and 2. We separated in Jan after fighting over his inappropriate texting with other women and his continued drinking and lying about it. Hes a recovering alcoholic who had been sober for 12 yrs. We had been splitting the kids, hed have them 2 days a week while i have them the other 5. This stopped in April when i found out he was still drinking after hed been telling me and our marriage counselor thatd hed quit. Since April i have had our kids full time. They see him two days a week but are not allowed to stay at his place overnight nor is he allowed to drive them anywhere. Hes been attending AA since april and is working the steps. However, in regards to our marriage hes still very confused. He doesnt want to commit to fixing things or even working on them but he also doesnt want to divorce. He wont discuss with me how hes feeling or what going on with him but continues to expect me to tell him. I understand that the sobriety process is very selfish and that hes supposed to be focusing on himself. Im doing the same thing and just focusing on myself and my kids. But being in this weird limbo is confusing. He still calls and wants to talk to me. He texts all day and even makes plans for us to do things together without the kids. Im starting to feel like its a having your cake and eating it too situation.
My friend explained to me that what my ex was putting me through was very unfair to me. She said, "Why does he get to still be around you?" I laughed and said, "I didn't know it was an honor or privilege for him to talk to or be around me." She told me that for him, it was, because he didn't deserve it and he was still getting to do what he wanted to, plus still have me in his life. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.
When we're going through a separation or divorce it is traumatic, especially if we're not the one who caused this change in our lives. When the person is still hanging around, it keeps us holding on to the past. They're not ready to let go, but they're not living the life with us prior to the separation either. So I'm sorry for the long response, but in short, I think you're correct. He is having his cake and eating it too. It's just difficult to understand why they would do that when all they had to do if they wanted us, was to be decent. But often, they want more...AND US.
Think about yourself now and what it is going to take for you to move on to get to a healthy spot.