Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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Hi everyone.. I know that this forum is for romantic type of break ups but I need advice and didn't know where else to post?
I am having turmoil with my best friend after recently getting engaged. And in turn I am "breaking up" with her as a friend, or at least want to at the moment. This may just be my anger.
My best friend just recently got married to my other best friend's brother. Lets just call newly wed BFF#1 and her newly sister in law BFF#2. I consider them both to be my friends, even though there's bad blood there, as BFF#1 and BFF#2 do not get along and BFF#2 did not even attend their wedding, wasn't invited. It's always been understood by all of them that I am totally neutral and love them all equally.
I was a bridesmaid for BFF#1, paid for two bridesmaid dresses, everyone's professional make-up, my hair, a two night hotel stay, and a few other things.. all adding up to around 1000$. I also took off a whole week of work for the wedding. A couple weeks later, after her wedding, my fiance proposed to me. When this happened I asked BFF#1 if she would still be my bridesmaid if BFF#2 was also a bridesmaid, and she said yes, as long as there is no drama. Now after I've officially asked BFF#2 to be a bridesmaid, BFF#1 has immediately backed out. I am really hurt because I was just there for her at her wedding. It just seems like whenever BFF#2 is involved, BFF#1 cant be there. My moms funeral and memorial for example, BFF#1 didn't attend because BFF#2 was there.
Its not just about the wedding, but this has become a pattern. She cant set aside her feelings about my other friend to be a good friend to me, I feel.
I respected her wishes to back down as a bridesmaid. I'm not gonna force someone to be in my wedding so I didn't even argue. But this situation is making me re-evaluate our friendship. Im a very loyal friend and I'm just not seeing that with her when its not convenient. Any advice? Feel free to be completely honest and set my head on straight if need be, as I'm going off emotion right now. Thanks guys
I am having turmoil with my best friend after recently getting engaged. And in turn I am "breaking up" with her as a friend, or at least want to at the moment. This may just be my anger.
My best friend just recently got married to my other best friend's brother. Lets just call newly wed BFF#1 and her newly sister in law BFF#2. I consider them both to be my friends, even though there's bad blood there, as BFF#1 and BFF#2 do not get along and BFF#2 did not even attend their wedding, wasn't invited. It's always been understood by all of them that I am totally neutral and love them all equally.
I was a bridesmaid for BFF#1, paid for two bridesmaid dresses, everyone's professional make-up, my hair, a two night hotel stay, and a few other things.. all adding up to around 1000$. I also took off a whole week of work for the wedding. A couple weeks later, after her wedding, my fiance proposed to me. When this happened I asked BFF#1 if she would still be my bridesmaid if BFF#2 was also a bridesmaid, and she said yes, as long as there is no drama. Now after I've officially asked BFF#2 to be a bridesmaid, BFF#1 has immediately backed out. I am really hurt because I was just there for her at her wedding. It just seems like whenever BFF#2 is involved, BFF#1 cant be there. My moms funeral and memorial for example, BFF#1 didn't attend because BFF#2 was there.
Its not just about the wedding, but this has become a pattern. She cant set aside her feelings about my other friend to be a good friend to me, I feel.
I respected her wishes to back down as a bridesmaid. I'm not gonna force someone to be in my wedding so I didn't even argue. But this situation is making me re-evaluate our friendship. Im a very loyal friend and I'm just not seeing that with her when its not convenient. Any advice? Feel free to be completely honest and set my head on straight if need be, as I'm going off emotion right now. Thanks guys
I understand with something as intense as a wedding where also a lot of money is involved tempers can run high and friendships can end. Have you seen "Bridesmaids" by any chance? Might be a good one to check out.
When I got married my sister opted out of being a bridesmaid so I chose two gay male friends, and a male and female cousin. It was a lesbian wedding so we had gender-mixed best people as we simply don't have that many female friends of double bridesmaids and had male friends in our lives who we really valued. Remember, you can always ask a trusted relative to be a bridesmaid if that would work.
It can be SO HARD when you're friends don't get along, but being a bridesmaid is a very collaborative thing with lots of co-attendance at parties and wearing of matching dresses, so perhaps BFF#1 just can't do it without it being toxic if BFF#2 is involved.
Sometimes we have to just respect peoples wishes not to be in our weddings, it's a big responsibility and financial outlay that she may not be prepared for even if you just did the same for her. You sound like a good friend. It is unfortunate BFF#1 can't cast aside her differences with BFF#2 enough to be there for you.
I would say if BFF#1 is really your best friend, forgive her, allow her to not be in your wedding, and just make extra time to hang out with her at your wedding, which I'm sure will be fabulous and amazing as weddings always are.
When we find ourselves in the middle of drama, it helps to step back and observe ourselves otherwise, we end up contributing to the drama whether we realize it or not.
I have started asking myself 'why am I reacting so strongly?' It helps to wait until I've processed the emotions that come as a response. Otherwise, I find I regret making decisions before I have worked all the way through something.
Other questions I have asked myself are:
how is this like my life in general?
how is what s/he doing like what I do? (the answer may not be so obvious or literal)
What is my part in all of this?" (there are ALWAYS at least two sides)
Have I asked and then REALLY actively listened to the other person?
Instead of asking the other person to compromise, can we come up w/a third alternative? (where both parties work together to create a new solution where neither has to compromise)
When I am honest w/myself, I find what comes up rather eyeopening.
Something else than can really help is to write a pros/cons list. You might be surprised that the only time you see her as not being a good friend are the times it has to do w/the other friend. Or maybe not. You won't know til you try it. AND also, do the con's around the other friend override all the pros?
She may have legitimate reasons for not wanting to be around the other friend. Is it really fair to ask her to put her well being aside in order to be in your wedding?
Granted, your wedding is a really big day in your life. But are you willing to lose a friend over her not being there? Are you willing to continue the drama between those two because you don't want her to continue the drama?
My best friend couldn't be at my wedding and it didn't kill me and it didn't ruin the day. We are still best friends today. And now I am happily divorced.
Finally, maybe your friend is doing you a big favor???? What if she had attended the funeral and/or memorial and all hell broke loose between the two of them? What if she does come to your wedding and all hell breaks loose? OR, what if you, as the bride, on your most happiest and important day, can't help but feel the tension between the two? How would that affect your wedding?
I don't know what the answer is.... But I do hope you find peace.
Best wishes on your upcoming wedding.
I guess I will see what happens. I do plan to pay for my bridesmaids dresses and gonna try to afford as much as I can in good taste.. I make more money than my friends do.
Thank you again for your responses it really helped me ground my emotions.