This kind of thing requires a good hard look in the mirror. How much of it was possibly one's jealousy and possessiveness, and how much truly was the other's negligence and misplaced priority?

There was a period of time where I put some new friends before my wife. I'm not proud of that, but I suppose it is the truth. I had never really had good friends in high school and after graduation it was really just my wife and I, the relationship being stressed already for reasons beyond the scope of this conversation. In '04 I started a security job and quickly fell in with a couple guys there and made the first good friends I'd ever had. Started hanging out with them outside of work, one of them had a side gig as a karaoke DJ and I got hooked on karaoke. It was a kind of camaraderie I didn't have before. In the end I wound up going out more than I should have and falling for another co-worker of ours who began coming to the shows. At the same time my wife fell into a deep depression that I was blind to due to being wrapped up in my feelings for this OW, trying to suss out what it all meant. Once it all came to a head I quit going out, cut off all contact with the OW. I put my wife first, as I always should have, as I wish I would have. We worked on making the marriage stronger for the next few years, and as much progress as we had made, the damage had already been done. My wife was never really able to forgive me. About a year ago she "snapped" (her word) and began questioning what she was doing with me. She started going out without me, drinking, putting her friends first the way I had. She grew close to another guy and in Oct of last year I caught her asking him for nude pics. When confronted with the messages she just looked at me and said that while she hadn't done anything, she wanted to. I threw her out, I was so crushed. She would later say that she only wanted me to hurt the way she had for so long, which only made things worse because, as bad as a husband as I had been, I never intended to hurt her. That she sought to hurt me cut me to the bone, as it were.

We tried counseling together, but it was obvious she was checked out. I'd catch her in lies about where she was, who she was with. She'd pick fights over stupid things just to get me to end it for her, so she wouldn't have to be the one to do it. In late May I found her flirting online with another guy and did just that.

I don't know if any of this is of any help, but it's my story. Best of luck.

I need a little more information - what do you mean it backfired? He got angry with you for expressing your feelings? How did it go down?

I always put my husband in front of my friends......and look where it got me???? I didn't lose my 2 good friends (bridesmaids) but, our relationship has not been or probably will never be like it was.... :(

One of the hardest and most eye-opening lessons I learned in my divorce was that it wasn't ok he put almost everything in front of me (himself, job, softball, friends, eventual affair) however, on the flip side, I allowed myself to only be "wife", and I let my friends go. Not consciously, but over time, my life became about him and my son, and I helped, in hindsight, to let him put me on the backburner, even from myself.
Now I have learned it's a very fine 50-50 line. Neither spouse can constantly put the other last, but at the same time, they cannot expect to be first every second. It is important to maintain your identity as a person, minus the roles places on us. I am a mother, friend, daughter, teacher...but I am also ME. It's easy to lose sight of yourself in a marriage.
During my marriage, I would think, "I don't want to go out on a Saturday because I work all week, and I feel "guilty" going out instead of being with my son and H." However, what ended up happening was I would be staying at home, watching our son, while my EX would go to a buddy's, play pool, watch a game, whatever.
It takes BOTH partners to make a marriage work, but it also takes BOTH to disintegrate the communication.
Through my separation and divorce, I learned to take advantage of my every other weekend "free" andI nourish my me time, and my friend time. The current guy I'm loosely seeing just had a convo with me today where he wants to see me this weekend because I don't have my son (and I won't let him meet him) and I told him Saturday is cool, but Friday is my time.
Many times, I spoke to my ex about feeling like I was number 22 on his list and, in spite of all the "talking", it would become the "same old, same old argument" we always had where I just sounded like I was bitching. (However, it sorta blew his side out of the water when I discovered his affair and realized he had time to do that, but couldn't "make" time to go out to dinner with me)
I feel, above all, even of one spouse thinks the issue is ridiculous, if it's IMPORTANT to the other spouse, then it needs to be treated with importance.

thank you to those who gave me some positive insight....and i dont need a "hard look in the mirror" because i have been very devoted to my husband for 15 years and he's had all the free time in the world. I don't control him, but for him, being a husband and father of 4must ALWAYS come first. It's right to have godly jealousy in this situation because I am the protector of the heart in our family. I dont' mind him being with friends and what not but when it's time with us, the phone should be put down, not spending the day with his friends and texting the rest of the evening or facebooking when he gets home and giving the family 5 minutes of his time...thats what I'm concerned about.

Well, for me, I have had a best male friend for longer than my marriage. Although after I got married, I distanced myself as my husband did not trust my friend. Now that I'm getting divorced, my best friend and I spend a lot of time together. When he told me recently he was going to start dating, my heart broke. I thought maybe we could have gotten together. I'm afraid to tell him how I really feel. I think if we continued our friendship during the marriage I most likely would have had an affair. If you are going to have friends when you are married, I would advise to just hang out with other married friends. The ratio does tilt and can ultimately cause all kinds of problems and arguments.