this is our hundreth ti,e breaking up it seems like. I am tired of the back and forth and feel like he loves me but he is so selfish and its tearing us apart. he has cheated in the past and say it is different now but then there was a situation of him keeping in contact with the person. he said it was a good reason and not to sleep with this person or anything. I feel like a prisoner in my own feelings and always thinking so much about staying or leaving. I cry so much because I am tired of the same situations with different people and I am completely drained. I dont know what ive done to deserve this and im over trying to figure out why. I just want to be with someone I can trust and loves me and wont cheat on me. I dont want to become what ive been through and treat anyone as badly as ive been treated. I care deeply about him but he is so selfish so often and it seems like i do so much and get a half of inch from him. and it goes back to square one in a day after weeks of trying. ive tried leaving for days,weeks and months even. we get back together and it is good for a short period then back to the nonsense while i remain loyal and try so hard.
Lately I have been feeling really great. I feel guilty that I am feeling so good because I come here and see how some of you guys are struggling. But I believe that coming here and being able to talk to everyone is what has helped me so much. I hope that by coming here and writing to people that I may be able to give them some peace of mind as well.
I come from a highly anxious / controlling family. I have been in therapy for years and I am now at a place in my life where I can see a toxic pattern that my family engages with. They are always obsessed with plans and getting things right, making plans about tiny details...they do this I'm guessing out of a place of fear. I don't always know what they're actually fearful of. For example before...