I would advise you to let your lawyer know that you are being forced into a secondary residence. Since you are the aggrieved party, it should be her that leaves, unless there are children that would be displaced.

I would gather every scrap of evidence you can. Don't say a word to her until you have it all. Give it to your attorney and follow the attorney's advice about when and who you share the information with. I'd nail her ass to the wall legally. When it's said and done, I'd e-mail copies of it to the people you feel have a right to know.

Thats a tough one, where the kids are concerned , I would probably just focus on them. Don’t even talk about what’s going on between the teo of you. Your going to have to forget about what she’s doing and just make it about your relationship with your kids. Eventually they will see the truth.

Mama, that's a hard one I need to hear too. I have four kids too that can NEVER find out what I found out about their mother. Any good coparenting resources for dealing with narcissist exspouses? This sounds like we're in a similar situation Johnny29...

The lawyer thing is happening, but there are children and I don't want to publicly blast their mother. I have always felt people's sexuality is their own business, so as horrible and abusive as it was to me, she is an adult. Keeping her at home was not going to work, so just make sure to take steps to protect those kids, no matter what they need, IMO.

I had a friend whose husband was unfaithful for a long period of time, with someone from another state. To my surprise, she filed for a no-fault divorce. I asked her why, and she said so that they wouldn't have their dirty laundry made public by filing with grounds of infidelity. I think you can use this time now to decide if you want to file for divorce with grounds of infidelity, or no-fault. The only difference (as I understood it in my state at the time) is with grounds of infidelity, the cheating spouse would have to pay back the money they dissipated for the affair that led to the breakdown of the marriage. So, big items like hotels and airline tickets, etc. Also, filing for divorce with grounds might go faster - you wouldn't be subject to any 2-year separation period if there is one in your state. Of course, this is something for you to ask your lawyer if you're even considering it. I'm betting it wouldn't net you any more settlement money - you can decide if it's worthwhile.

I'm thinking the best thing to do might be - figure out how to get the divorce finalized as soon as possible. Get the house if that's what you want, and make sure you get a good settlement. Have your lawyer write a stipulation into the parenting agreement that your STBX can't have men staying overnight when the minor children are at her place. You can put that into place now - no overnight male visitors at all in your marital home during the divorce process. Document any bad-mouthing your STBX does about you, to the kids, if you find out. I'm not sure if it will be useful, but have it just in case. Once the divorce is final, the STBX will be open about her affair partner, if that person even wants her anymore, once she's just a single mom of four who is no longer off-limits. People, including your kids, will assume the third party caused the divorce. Just take care of yourself financially the best you can, ask for everything you're entitled to get and negotiate from there. Karma will take care of your STBX when she's on her own and no longer has you to fall back upon.

Do I collect a good hit of pictures of them together before filing for divorce with grounds of infidelity? I probably need a series of events that don’t involve my sons hockey team. ( the guy is my sons team manage/ coach. ).

I'd definitely use items that involve the hockey team. It shows the profound lack of good judgement to engage when their thoughts and actions were supposed to be on the children. It will greatly improve your custody case. She's giving you ammo. Pick the information up an use it. You also want that to eventually come out for him as well.

That’s what I was thinking. If they are doing things together alone outside of the hockey group. Is that form of infidelity. ?

Why would they be socializing outside the hokey group? Are they open about it? If they are doing it on the down low, then the things they are doing together is probably cheating, falling in love or whatever you want to call it.

I don't dog my husband about every co-worker he has lunch with on a work day, but meeting after would be a definite problem for me. Seeing another woman in a 1:1 social setting when not related to work or in your case the hockey group is called dating. Are you certain they are having sex? If so it makes all the other cheating related because it falls in the category of relationship building.

Yes the are doing it on the low. Been discreet since my suspicions last Nov. This guy has a girlfriend that everyone knows that family.

She takes out cash to hide where she is. We never take out cash just debit. She refuses to use debit and pass over receipts as we used to always do.

When it comes out it will be a huge thing to my family, friends , community, and work. They’re all intertwined. .
She bad talked about me infront of our kids and she can’t see that people will see right thru it once they know.

Considering I said all these concerns to her and the person I thought it was in our counseling session together last Nov. I told my lawyer who I thought it was a last month ago.

She lied to the counselor too. It’s not like I have a crystal ball and know this stuff like I’m psychic. She leaves a trail with her deception. How doesn’t she not think the end result is the the proof in the pudding that I was right? And she is a cheater and put our family thru turmoil acting like a victim with no fault.

Bottom she has treated the kids with anger and they are dumbfounded when she goes off on them and on me. She has treated their dad worse than a dog right infront of them.

Not knowing the state you live in you might discuss all of this with your atty. If you file on adultery if your state will even allow that you need to know what you need to find to prove the adultery. Just pictures at the hockey events won't do what you want. You don't want her to know what you are doing until you have everything you need to file.

My state did allow adultery or a divorce with one year of no co habitation. I had a load of info on the then husband that he could not deny. It took nineteen months because I changed from adultery to no cohabitation on the advice of my very good atty.

Just run everything past your atty. first.

Great support group! Appreciate you all will take all considerations to your advise.

I am gathering things outside of kids sports.

My discoveries were outside of the kids sports.

Would I need stuff like kissing ??holding hands ??or the deed ??as proof to back up the stuff they do on the low In secret???

My reasons for a strong case is because she has manipulated my kids so bad and discussed adult matters to them.

She punishes them when she shouldn’t. I have kept journals since November. Plus her drinking and spending is getting worse.

I’m the only one with income and she does nothing to offer our family except take my kid to hockey and buy my girls love with gifts.

The dumb thing is I’m being amicable, ok to sell, divorce .....yet. I’m the aggravated party.....and she is still full tilt drama like a victim. So fake. She is a narcissists with an end game and that is to discard what she can’t control. If you have ideas for kinds proof of infidelity or the amount of proof let me know what you think. Yes I am talking to my Lawyer but I also want a support groups point of view.

Johnny: Pretend you are preparing to climb up onto your roof to repair something, and it will require a screwdriver. If you're smart, you'll bring both a flathead AND a phillips head. Why? Because it's better to have both and only need one, than to have one and need the other. So, I say that you should collect up all the evidence and information on your wife's affair NOW, and then figure out what to use and how to use it later. You don't HAVE TO show your kids - but it might prove to be a powerful bargaining chip further along the trail. Better to have video of your wife and her partner and not need it, than to need it and not have it.

Thanks MrCellophane. Wil do !

Yeah most areas do not regard aldultary as grounds but where I am you can just file peroid. Follow your gut on this one as you still have young children. If it is just adultary, that you can ignore, be polite for the kids sack and file for divorce when the young one is 18. If she is an okay parent, shitty wife doesn't always mean bad parent. Perhpas hire a private investigator? That way you have concrete proof in a week. Might give you more with the divorce too, bartering chip. Good luck to you

I too was more concerned about my daughters wellbeing than anything else. I was terrified of another man being around my girls (to much Steve Wilko's show I guess) and I spent years gathering as much evidence as I could to be able to prove what my wife had become. My hope was that I would be able to get full custody of our daughters in the divorce. In my state, you have to be able to prove intercourse to file under 'special circumstances' instead of 'no contest'. I had to suck it up for the benefit of my girls and I did just that. I even continued gathering evidence after my youngest daughter reached 18, why I'm not sure because they would have decided where they would live anyway.
You are in a different situation than I was though. My wife never wanted a divorce. As said, gather all you can. Keep it all to yourself and your lawyer. He or she will know what to do with it when the time is right. I wish you luck in whatever the outcome is for you and your children. It's amazing the damage that selfish people can and will do to others they once claimed to love. No morals, no values, no character. You're better off without her.