I don't believe in "space". I've never known any marriage or relationship that got better by being apart.

That said, I've read some of the past posts and I get the issues.

My best advice...fix yourself. Get counseling. Figure out other ways to get the need for validation met that you got from online flirting. Learn to weave, play basketball, join a book club, join the fire station, join the local YMCA, go roller skating, join a Bible study...it doesn't really matter what...but get out there and make friends.

Something to do. Something to look forward to. Something to be a part of.

And give yourself some credit. Caring for someone else (your father) is HARD and draining. Look into whatever social services are available...and use them.

About your wife...your best bet at getting her back...is connecting to what brought you together to begin with. Probably had something to do with Doing things together and laughing.

I can't tell you that you'll ever get that chance again, but if she stops by and you can invite her to one of your many activities...she might give it a chance.

That said, changing yourself FOR her...will NEVER work. It HAS to be for you.


(Put another way. I'm a parent. When I MAKE the kids do something, they'll do it...but they'll also resent it. Backing off meant that I stopped telling them to clean their room, it got ugly, then they decided that they didn't like it looking like that anymore. So now they clean it...and do NOT resent me.

Change "for" her...and you'll resent her. Change for yourself, and you'll FEEL good inside.

Big, big, big difference.

Heartfelt hugs, Patti

Fix yourself. Only you can forgive yourself over time once you have become a changed and better person. You can't demand from het to forgive you. She may or she may not. Betrayal is the most intense pain you can do to soneone. That cannot just be forgiven it takes years if she even ever forgives you.
You say you are reading. Read more because I don't feel you get it yet. What I feel is that you feel bad and that you want HER to make you feel better. This is selfish. You fucked up. Bow you have to live with it. She is hurt intensely don't push her. Stop harassing her. She needs time. You pushing her is selfish behaviour it's impatient and shows her tgat you really don't get wgat you have done.
Get therapy change urself. Maybe months down the road she sees that you changed on ur own and come back to you. Good luck.

Question? How did you put the two of you in debt?

Living in your father's home (I assume in exchange for you taking care of him), did SHE pay any rent? For groceries? Electric bill? Water bill? Or were you expected to provide everything?

(((I'm just wondering if you went into debt to make her happy, and when the money ran out...so did she?)))

buying things on cards like new flooring for kitchen and bedroom, new gaming systems and computers, tires for the car, dishwasher, gifts for the family and other things, living beyond our means since during this i had no job and she didnt have great ones and only paying minimum on cards, it was all my fault, i never thought things through, this is partly why i feel like a monster

Were you living with your father? Or not? Did you pay rent there?

(If the job was officially unpaid, but you had free rent/utilities...that is getting paid.)

Gaming systems...definitely not needed. But a new kitchen floor....comes from somewhere...ya know?

***I was a stay at home mom. But it's not like I did nothing. I took care of our two kids. Cooked/cleaned. We were a Partnership. Not "having a job" doesn't mean that you don't get to spend any money.

Her not paying attention to what you were spending doesn't excuse her.

HIDING things spent...is different.

But new tires for the car just don't come from nowhere.***

no we werent living with dad at the time, but with her bed ridden mom, i realize there were a few things in there that werent needed, though thats mostly what she sees

Okay.

Look, flirting online was NOT okay.

But it's also not a full fledged affair. (Sorry, I've known people on here that had to deal with pregnancies/ new siblings for their children from affairs, getting tested for STDs and coming up positive, and so on. There IS a difference.)

I see lots and lots and lots of red flags all over your marriage.

I also suspect that she's not as completely blameless as you're making her out to be. I think that your depression took over (DEPRESSION isn't some choice. It's a REAL medical sickness...same as diabetes.)

Married...as a couple...she has a RESPONSIBILITY to care about you when you're sick. (My vows at least, included "sickness and health"). That does NOT make it 100% her fault. But, my point is...that ignoring the spending and probably ignoring your depression, may be part of this too.


I'll go back to my first advice....work on yourself...for yourself. Doing it for her...is likely to end in disaster.

Look honestly at your part in this. You DO have responsibility. But don't destroy yourself over it either. There were TWO in your marriage.

Anyway that's my 2 cents. Patti

Oh and you might try Divorce Care. It's basically free (there's a book to buy). It's a bit heavy on the religion for me (I'm atheist) but they were still accepting.

If one group doesn't work for you, try another.

You can google "DivorceCare" and your town.