Hi everybody. I'm Steve and very confused and heartbroken tonight. I have read many posts here, it has helped to know I'm not alone in my feelings. Don't feel like I could give much advise, I'm not good at picking the right guys for me. I was partnered 31 yrs to the same man, from the age of 16. I fell really hard for him, madly in love, but the relationship was exhausting, he ended up many yrs into our relationship being diagnosed bi-polar and was a drug abuser. The entire relationship was spent partially in bliss, partially in hell. I had made it my life's mission to not give up on him even though everyone else had, and to save him from himself, even though realize now, he never wanted to be saved. He lived a double life, was so amazingly proficient in his keeping me in the dark. He was diagnosed with cancer in 07 with stage one cancer, Drs shook their heads when Mike went to stage 4 and passed within a year. Despite diagnosis in beginning . After funeral, long time friend and I were talking and come to find out Mike had never stopped abusing drugs, to my utter sadness. I went thru yrs of grief and feeling like such a fool. I was single for 5 yrs, finally getting myself together, peeking my head back out into life, when I met my new boyfriend. I was resistant, down right rude to him in beginning, I didn't want to fall in love again, especially with a devilishly handsome, charmer like him. He terrified me. I said no so many times, at his requests for dates, dinner, so on. Well I finally said yes, through his manipulation sand lies about who he was and what he was. I ended up falling madly in love with him. We just passed 2 yrs together and last week, I found some pill bottles way in the back of the cabinet, and my heart sunk. He had been acting weird " just like my former partner". Which made me sick, but, new boyfriend assured me it was just "PTSD" from my former relationship and that I needed to let go of the past and stop comparing him to my former partner. Well, the truth just came out this week, that he has been abusing drugs, even though I told him in the beginning that if he used drugs to stay away from me. I am financially comfortable, and I now doubt that he ever loved me, just used me as a support source and nurse and maid service. He has income, but I had more, and I spent a lot on us because I was so happy to be living again after being so sad for so long, so we travelled, stayed in fancy hotels, dined in lovely restaurants, and of course on my dime. I trusted him so much, and now I'm devastated. We talked tonight and he can't afford to move out on his own, yet, so we are working out a plan for him to stay, pay me rent and all his expenses while he looks for a better job. But deep in side I'm so hurt, sad, I love him and still do. I can't believe it, but I'm in love with him, and so badly want him to beg me to forgive him and promise to make things right. I realize that there is something wrong with me, that attracts these guys. Low self esteem or something. I do plan to seek help emotionally. By the way, I'm fine financially, didn't spend more than I could afford, but still just hurts. The way he acts is, " oh well, going out with friends, see ya later"! I'm so shocked at his coolness. Maybe he is on drugs now even. I feel like such a fool and idiot. But he was amazingly charming and sweet, and told me everything I wanted to hear too. Who does that to someone??? I don't get it! Sorry for venting, I just had to vent somewhere and too embarrassed to tell friends that we all got fooled again. All my friends loved him too and my family. I got used and abused again, and have to end this cycle. It's hard but I have to tell him goodbye. I guess I just can't admit I'm such a fool and he is really just a user and jerk.