Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I've never really posted on anything like this before but at this point I will try anything to talk to someone who might understand this hurt.
I'm 23 years old and a recent college grad who is currently living in Europe for a year. I have struggled on and off with depression and anxiety for years and they've always made it very hard to trust. Until I met my now-ex-boyfriend. He was everything I never thought I could find, every support that I never thought I deserved, and loved me in all the ways I thought no one ever would. I'd never been in love before, and he made me believe for the first time that love exists. He accepted my flaws as parts of me, and he made me feel like a part of his family. I loved and trusted him with everything I had. He told me on several occasions that he'd always love me, and we planned our distant future together when, after my year abroad, we'd both be living in the same city again. When I'd cry he'd hold me and tell me we'd get through it together.
We were together for just under 2 years. When I found out I was moving here for a year, he was supportive and told me that we'd be ok and get thru it together. He supported me through all of my homesickness and loneliness and reverting of my depression that I've felt since moving here. I haven't had an easy time. He came to visit me for 9 days three weeks ago, and it was perfect. Nothing was wrong. He was loving and caring and intimate and everything that I had come to hold so dear. At the airport he said not to cry because we'd be together so soon. Five days later he ended it on Skype... in one hour, 4000 miles and a 6 hour time difference apart, after two years. And of course none of his explanations are at all clear to me... he said he'd been planning it for 8 months but I hadn't the faintest idea.
I was shocked. Blindsided by the loss of my first love and my first ever real breakup while long-distance and in an unfamiliar place with all of my friends and family across the Atlantic. Triple whammy. Not only have I lost my best friend, I've lost a part of my family, all of the plans I had for the future, two years of loving memories, and my biggest supporter in a difficult time. I feel like I haven't stopped crying in 2 weeks.
Everyone says it will get better with time. That someday I'll be able to trust and love again and I'll find someone who I deserve. I'm only 23 and that there's a whole world out there that I haven't experienced yet. Deep down I know that. I want so badly to believe it. But that answer is absolutely not a shred of comfort to me right now. I just want the crying to stop and the feeling that I can't breathe to ease. I want to be able to get through my workdays. To fall asleep without sobs and wake up without nightmares. I just want the hurt to be bearable so I can try to move on. How do I do that?
I'm 23 years old and a recent college grad who is currently living in Europe for a year. I have struggled on and off with depression and anxiety for years and they've always made it very hard to trust. Until I met my now-ex-boyfriend. He was everything I never thought I could find, every support that I never thought I deserved, and loved me in all the ways I thought no one ever would. I'd never been in love before, and he made me believe for the first time that love exists. He accepted my flaws as parts of me, and he made me feel like a part of his family. I loved and trusted him with everything I had. He told me on several occasions that he'd always love me, and we planned our distant future together when, after my year abroad, we'd both be living in the same city again. When I'd cry he'd hold me and tell me we'd get through it together.
We were together for just under 2 years. When I found out I was moving here for a year, he was supportive and told me that we'd be ok and get thru it together. He supported me through all of my homesickness and loneliness and reverting of my depression that I've felt since moving here. I haven't had an easy time. He came to visit me for 9 days three weeks ago, and it was perfect. Nothing was wrong. He was loving and caring and intimate and everything that I had come to hold so dear. At the airport he said not to cry because we'd be together so soon. Five days later he ended it on Skype... in one hour, 4000 miles and a 6 hour time difference apart, after two years. And of course none of his explanations are at all clear to me... he said he'd been planning it for 8 months but I hadn't the faintest idea.
I was shocked. Blindsided by the loss of my first love and my first ever real breakup while long-distance and in an unfamiliar place with all of my friends and family across the Atlantic. Triple whammy. Not only have I lost my best friend, I've lost a part of my family, all of the plans I had for the future, two years of loving memories, and my biggest supporter in a difficult time. I feel like I haven't stopped crying in 2 weeks.
Everyone says it will get better with time. That someday I'll be able to trust and love again and I'll find someone who I deserve. I'm only 23 and that there's a whole world out there that I haven't experienced yet. Deep down I know that. I want so badly to believe it. But that answer is absolutely not a shred of comfort to me right now. I just want the crying to stop and the feeling that I can't breathe to ease. I want to be able to get through my workdays. To fall asleep without sobs and wake up without nightmares. I just want the hurt to be bearable so I can try to move on. How do I do that?
I am so sorry that you are going through that and away from your family and friends. It is insane how someone that claims they love you can do something so cruel isnt it?
If you are interested check out my entry "i thought I was going to marry him" What you are going through is very similar to what I am going through. Feel free to send me a message if you need help. I personally know how alone you must feel.
Good Luck!
That's terrible, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.
Truly, finding a way to let go of the future you wanted so badly can hurt just as much as letting go of the present. It feels so absolutely impossible. And what's worst is that, regardless of how unhelpful it sounds, the only true answer is time. Since you can't speed up time or rush through this process, all that you can do is focus on getting by minute to minute. What do you need to get through to the next minute? Quiet? Distraction? To cry? Break down your day into small periods of time, and make very small goals for yourself. Be kind to yourself - if you are feeling sad, feel sad. Don't try to mask it or ignore it. Eventually your mind and body are going to get tired of feeling this run down, and they'll help you to find a more manageable state. We're not wired to feel so devastated permanently. I recommend binge-watching terrible TV shows (especially reality TV shows - nothing makes you feel better about your life than not being as crazy as a Real Housewife).
It must be very hard being away from everything familiar and from your family and friends, but perhaps part of this could be a blessing in disguise. One of the hardest parts of a breakup can be all of the familiar triggers - if you lived together, then your house/apartment. The take out place you ordered from together every week. The movie theater where you had your first date. He may have come to visit, but wherever you are right now is a place that belongs solely to you. Every experience that you have there will be something that is yours alone, and that can be very helpful in trying to move past the initial triggers. I know it sounds like the worst thing, but maybe force yourself to take more walks and explore where you're living. Look online for meet-up groups of students there from abroad, and create a routine for yourself that will begin to feel like your new normal.
The hardest part can be cutting off contact. Even if you want answers or want to change his mind, right now the absolute best thing that you can do for yourself is to go No Contact. This doesn't mean that you can't be friends later if that's what you want, or that any chance of reconciliation is lost, but you need to process this grief and rediscover who you are on your own before you'll be ready to move forward. Whenever you have the urge to reach out to him (and it can feel like you'll straight-up die if you won't, I know), you should journal, or write to a friend, Skype with your family, or post on this board. It's the hardest thing in the world at first, but it truly does get better the longer you can make it stick.
Take care of yourself, and we're all here for you!
Another detail that I didn't initially write... I'm flying back to the US tomorrow. I was supposed to spend the holidays with him in Boston. I've been able to swing it to have a week in Chicago with my family instead, but I can't change my flights around totally and will have to be in Boston for a week too. So that's also spurring the crying.
I'll be staying with friends when I have to go to Boston but I'm really worried about those triggers being back. Our entire relationship happened there. I mean... the friend I'm staying with literally lives next to our first date restaurant. I feel like my memories are everywhere in that city. And I'll come back here in two weeks and the triggers are still everywhere. He came to visit me here and I'm living in a smallish town right now. I took him everywhere... all my favorite restaurants, bars, museums... all the places that were making it feel a little more like home here when I've been having such a hard time. I introduced him to the people I know and we hosted Thanksgiving together for all pretty much every single acquaintance I have in this city. Not only has he entangled himself with every part of the past and future, but he is everywhere in my present right now too.
What's killing me is that I didn't get a goodbye. If he's been considering this break up for 8 months and didn't tell me, he got time to process. My goodbye was at the airport. I started tearing up and he said not to cry because we'd be back together in a few weeks. I asked him last night if he knew it was over then and he said he had pretty much decided. I don't understand how someone who used to tell me he "would always love me" could do something like that to me.
I appreciate the advice on trying to keep contact cut because it is so hard. He was my go-to for everything.... the one who would always be there. And ho to you recommend working on those triggers, both in Boston and my new city?
Everyone tells me I should be happy that I have my studies to distract me and a new city to make this a fresh start. But instead I feel stuck resenting what was supposed to be a great opportunity and feeling like a new city just means I'm alone.
I also had plans to go back to his city and had to change the plan to stay with friends instead. And it was wonderfully comforting to be with friends but also very painful to be around so many triggers of my life with him. Try to focus on the friends but let yourself feel the pain. I guess the pain of the triggers is helping me appreciate that my new city is less of a trigger minefield.
am so very sorry you are going through this.
It makes no sense to me that a person would play this role of being together with you while at the same time planning to leave you.
I know you are hurting as first love always hurts worse, but give it time. Try and concentrate on you and things you like to do that make you happy.
I know you really don't want to hear this, but if it were me, I think I would be glad I found out now instead of later what a wonderful actor he is, until waiting till we had been together way longer.
Try and use this as a lesson and don't be in any hurry to get into another relationship too soon. There really is no hurry. It's wonderful to have your own full life with family and friends and the same with your potential partner. I think it is a good thing to each do things with other family and friends.
Believe it or not, my son got his first girlfriend when he was 27 and he says she was worth the wait. I totally agree with him.
I wish you the very best.
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
The others are right, you'll live -it doesn't feel that way right now, but you will. There is no such thing as just ONE right person out there for us - there is more to life, there is more people.
Sit tight and give it time, the storm will pass.
Wishing you peace.
Each night, think about the fact that you made it through another day. Every time it feels too overwhelming, and you don't know how you're going to make it through, just remember that you got through yesterday, and you'll keep getting through it.
Most of all, avoid the temptation to contact him while you're in town. It's so difficult, but no 'final conversation' is going to provide the answers you need, or will result in the words you want to hear. I learned that the hard way, too. And my situation was similar to yours, in that my ex was thinking about breaking up for 8 months before it happened... it's unfair when the decision is made for you, and had been considered for so long without anything being said. It's absolutely the worst. But you're going to get through this. Not quickly, and not easily, which sucks. But it's going to happen. Focus on having your friends and family around for this tough time - having a support group, whether they're in the same place or far away - can make a huge difference.
But what's haunting me are the memories. The reminders of what we shared, even the images of gifts I've given in his room. How do you prevent the pain from eclipsing what was so good about it? He was my first love for a reason and I grew with him so much. Now I just envision myself regressing and not trusting and losing the vulnerability that I worked so hard to get comfortable with.
I recently started reading Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot. Like many other such books, I'd imagine, part of the process is making a good vs. bad list about various aspects of the relationship. This way you can appreciate the good, while being mindful of the bad and of why this happened. You don't need to figure it all out right now, but those kinds of resources can be helpful in guiding your thinking. The one I bought is also on Kindle and iBooks, so I'm sure there are many on there if you use digital books.
My advice to you....you are still young with no kids, and make sure you have lessons learned from this experience. I can assure you that it will happen again if you ignore it, and you will only have yourself to blame.
Men will tell women anything just to get into their pants...yes it's true and most women are gullible that all they see is that good looking guy, who's pics they can't wait to post on facebook and show off to their shallow friends.
Focus on your career for now, and don't bug yourself down with boys at your age. Personally, I am attracted to intelligent / strong / career women....it's such a turn on for me it's not even funny.
I have always been someone that prefers the truth as opposed to people telling me what I want to hear either in my professional or social life. I have never utter the words..."you are hurting my feelings" like a teenager.
If the guy's action doesn't speak volume to you, then I don't know what else does in this case. Oh, people are also sometimes with people for what they can get out of them e.g. a single mom with kids looking for a man to help her raise them, and provide for them and her. A man who is useless alone and needs a woman to cook and do laundry for him.
Luckily, I don't have these problems because am capable of raising my child, don't receive child support, and very good in the kitchen.
Yes, Simple really....there are less fortunate people out there, go help out in a shelter, kids home, school or old folks home. Th reward will trump you trying to contact someone that doesn't want to be with you.
After all, this is a time of giving, as opposed to wanting / receiving.