Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hey guys, I wrote a post just over a month ago here...
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/19599297-first-girlfriend-3-years
Short version; First girlfriend, first kiss first everything, Deeply in love with her, she broke my trust, and because of that, after trying hard for about 8 months we decided that it couldn't work, even though we had a huge amount of love for each other.
so that was over a month ago. I'm able to eat now. I lost 2stone in 3 weeks, 2stone is 12.7kg, or 28 pounds.
I've had some strong days, and then really really bad days. Today is a bad day.I went on a night out with the lads for the first time since it happened last night, and I was having a good time, and then I saw her out too, she didn't see me, and she wasn't with any guys or anything, but wow. I've done boxing for 4 years, and I have never been hit in the gut anywhere near as hard as that hit me.
I feel like I still can't properly function as a human being, I can't sleep until around 5:am, I can't do anything without it reminding me of her, and just missing her so so much. An example, I can't even watch a movie anymore, any movie. Because we would often have movie nights and cuddle up in my bed and god I miss it so much. I could literally list hundreds of things that trigger the huge depressive feeling, and the sense of urgency like my brain is saying "GET HER BACK!".but I Won't, I know many of you have been through this so you know exactly what im talking about.
I'm having an internal battle with myself. the heart is saying get back with her, you love her, and I can't bare being without her, and what if she finds someone else etc etc etc. My head is saying. Dude, she broke your trust first off, secondly, I want to move from where I live, currently I have to travel 4 hours per day to get to university and back home. I stayed at home last year for her, If I was single I would've moved into university to experience that. So my head is saying, even if you can forget about what happened, and trust her 100%, it won't work if you move away. Which is another thing, It's a sense of finality if I do move out, Ill know that we aren't getting back together, without doubt. Whereas now, I know I could call her up and organise a date and we'd be back together by the next day. Hell I've even planned like our first 6 dates, every single tiny detail, imagined how her smile would be, how it would feel to kiss her again etc etc.
I'm truly not interested in any other women, at least right now, and I can't see myself being for a long time. When I was out there was beautiful girls wanting to dance with me and my friends and I just didn't pay them any attention, I just wanted to be out with my mates and have fun, I didn't flirt, I would avoid eye contact with them etc, I spent the night being a wingman for my mates. I am just 100% not interested in anyone else at the moment, to be honest if I got with somebody else I would feel like I was cheating on my Ex, but the point is, I really don't want anyone else anyway, not because of guilt, because I want my ex, not anyone else.
Something stupid that made me fully realise how uninterested I am in other women currently is that I watched the wolf of wall street movie for the first time tonight, and there's a tonne of beautiful, naked women in it, and I just wasn't bothered. I know for a fact that usually my eyes would be falling out of my head at that sort of thing!
I feel pathetic at the minute, before her, when I had never had a girlfriend before, and whilst I was with her, I felt emotionally bullet proof. Infact part of me worried that something was wrong with me, because nothing would upset me, and now here I am, whenever im with my friends Im just moping around like "Aw this leaf reminds me of herr auwww awww" Exaggerated example, but you know how it is.
I still have her on facebook, And I see she's got a new profile picture like every week, just of her with make up on looking beautiful, and it really gets me. I know I shouldnt have her on facebook, but we're on good terms, we're still friendly and she said It would upset her If I did. However if I do move to this new place nearer to my university then I will remove her from my facebook.. It will add to the finality.
I can only remember the good things about the relationship when I look back, or at least I only feel the good things. I think about the bad, and It just doesn't matter anymore.
She also writes a blog. I can't keep myself away from it, but the blog makes me feel better in some ways, and others it doesn't. I can see that she feels the same as I do about the breakup. She loves me, she misses me, she thinks about me all the time etc etc. Its nice in a selfish way, because I feel like if she feels like I do, she won't be getting with anybody anytime soon, which is nice, because my feelings for her havn't changed, and If she did, I know I'd probably break down.
It makes me feel worse however, because as I said earlier. I know it's in my hands whether I get back with her, but the fact is if I do, I will miss out on university life, I will miss out on being young. and I don't want that. At the same time, my heart is saying What if she was the one? What if you don't ever connect with anybody like that again? She knew me down to my very soul and I her. I knew exactly what she was thinking just by looking at her, and she was the same with me.
My guy mates are all saying that I should basically just sleep with a random girl and it will make me feel better. They don't seem to understand that first off, I'm not interested in other girls, and secondly, I don't feel like this because I miss having sex, I feel like this because I miss having a life companion who I could share everything with, and who means the world to me.
If you've read all of this so far, thankyou for reading, It's really jumbled and erratic, because I've just been venting out my emotions, and what has come out in the text is a direct line, there has been no mediation.
I'd be grateful for some advice, is what I'm feeling normal? What can I do to reduce the pain? (I'm already socialising and going the gym and boxing regularly to keep fit.) It helped me immensely last time I wrote a post her, Partly because of venting out my emotions and partly from receiving advice, and kind words from people who have gone through a similar experience that I have.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Breakups_Divorce/forum/19599297-first-girlfriend-3-years
Short version; First girlfriend, first kiss first everything, Deeply in love with her, she broke my trust, and because of that, after trying hard for about 8 months we decided that it couldn't work, even though we had a huge amount of love for each other.
so that was over a month ago. I'm able to eat now. I lost 2stone in 3 weeks, 2stone is 12.7kg, or 28 pounds.
I've had some strong days, and then really really bad days. Today is a bad day.I went on a night out with the lads for the first time since it happened last night, and I was having a good time, and then I saw her out too, she didn't see me, and she wasn't with any guys or anything, but wow. I've done boxing for 4 years, and I have never been hit in the gut anywhere near as hard as that hit me.
I feel like I still can't properly function as a human being, I can't sleep until around 5:am, I can't do anything without it reminding me of her, and just missing her so so much. An example, I can't even watch a movie anymore, any movie. Because we would often have movie nights and cuddle up in my bed and god I miss it so much. I could literally list hundreds of things that trigger the huge depressive feeling, and the sense of urgency like my brain is saying "GET HER BACK!".but I Won't, I know many of you have been through this so you know exactly what im talking about.
I'm having an internal battle with myself. the heart is saying get back with her, you love her, and I can't bare being without her, and what if she finds someone else etc etc etc. My head is saying. Dude, she broke your trust first off, secondly, I want to move from where I live, currently I have to travel 4 hours per day to get to university and back home. I stayed at home last year for her, If I was single I would've moved into university to experience that. So my head is saying, even if you can forget about what happened, and trust her 100%, it won't work if you move away. Which is another thing, It's a sense of finality if I do move out, Ill know that we aren't getting back together, without doubt. Whereas now, I know I could call her up and organise a date and we'd be back together by the next day. Hell I've even planned like our first 6 dates, every single tiny detail, imagined how her smile would be, how it would feel to kiss her again etc etc.
I'm truly not interested in any other women, at least right now, and I can't see myself being for a long time. When I was out there was beautiful girls wanting to dance with me and my friends and I just didn't pay them any attention, I just wanted to be out with my mates and have fun, I didn't flirt, I would avoid eye contact with them etc, I spent the night being a wingman for my mates. I am just 100% not interested in anyone else at the moment, to be honest if I got with somebody else I would feel like I was cheating on my Ex, but the point is, I really don't want anyone else anyway, not because of guilt, because I want my ex, not anyone else.
Something stupid that made me fully realise how uninterested I am in other women currently is that I watched the wolf of wall street movie for the first time tonight, and there's a tonne of beautiful, naked women in it, and I just wasn't bothered. I know for a fact that usually my eyes would be falling out of my head at that sort of thing!
I feel pathetic at the minute, before her, when I had never had a girlfriend before, and whilst I was with her, I felt emotionally bullet proof. Infact part of me worried that something was wrong with me, because nothing would upset me, and now here I am, whenever im with my friends Im just moping around like "Aw this leaf reminds me of herr auwww awww" Exaggerated example, but you know how it is.
I still have her on facebook, And I see she's got a new profile picture like every week, just of her with make up on looking beautiful, and it really gets me. I know I shouldnt have her on facebook, but we're on good terms, we're still friendly and she said It would upset her If I did. However if I do move to this new place nearer to my university then I will remove her from my facebook.. It will add to the finality.
I can only remember the good things about the relationship when I look back, or at least I only feel the good things. I think about the bad, and It just doesn't matter anymore.
She also writes a blog. I can't keep myself away from it, but the blog makes me feel better in some ways, and others it doesn't. I can see that she feels the same as I do about the breakup. She loves me, she misses me, she thinks about me all the time etc etc. Its nice in a selfish way, because I feel like if she feels like I do, she won't be getting with anybody anytime soon, which is nice, because my feelings for her havn't changed, and If she did, I know I'd probably break down.
It makes me feel worse however, because as I said earlier. I know it's in my hands whether I get back with her, but the fact is if I do, I will miss out on university life, I will miss out on being young. and I don't want that. At the same time, my heart is saying What if she was the one? What if you don't ever connect with anybody like that again? She knew me down to my very soul and I her. I knew exactly what she was thinking just by looking at her, and she was the same with me.
My guy mates are all saying that I should basically just sleep with a random girl and it will make me feel better. They don't seem to understand that first off, I'm not interested in other girls, and secondly, I don't feel like this because I miss having sex, I feel like this because I miss having a life companion who I could share everything with, and who means the world to me.
If you've read all of this so far, thankyou for reading, It's really jumbled and erratic, because I've just been venting out my emotions, and what has come out in the text is a direct line, there has been no mediation.
I'd be grateful for some advice, is what I'm feeling normal? What can I do to reduce the pain? (I'm already socialising and going the gym and boxing regularly to keep fit.) It helped me immensely last time I wrote a post her, Partly because of venting out my emotions and partly from receiving advice, and kind words from people who have gone through a similar experience that I have.
I can only give you some advice that worked when it was given to me by others....
(1.) Facebook, that's a Pandora's box in itself, I know you mentioned something about once back at school you would remove her from your friends list, nope, that ain't good enough! You should probably consider doing the removing now, the longer you have the ability to keep looking at her page and keep checking in on it, the slower and more painful this breakup process might be for you. Spare yourself the temptation and or torture and remove her from your friends list and block her now! If by chance that's not good enough, you can always do as I did about 10 weeks back, delete your Facebook account all together, that way you can just be done with it all.
(2.) You said something that got my attention, "and then I saw her out too, she didn't see me"! I'd advise you, as to help your healing in this painful situation, keep yourself away from places that you both hung out at as a couple. Stay away from places that you know she might be prone to hang out at. Even if the bar you might got to is like 5 doors down from a place that she might go, don't go, go somewhere else, just stay away from the areas where she is known to go, especially those place that include a little night life, stay away and find some where else to go, like across town! The less "I saw her" situations you have the better your healing process will go.
(3.) Something else you said..."I'm truly not interested in any other women, at least right now"! That's good, that's a good thing, feeling this way will help you through this healing process. having and or messing around with women right not will do you no good. You'd be selling yourself short and selling the lady you might be with short if you dared to venture into the world of women right now. Spare yourself the emotion turmoil that might come from any premature female contact. Now's not the time for that, plus you wouldn't want to intentionally or unintentionally compromise your "self esteem" and feeling of "self worth" by kicking yourself in the a** because things crashed and burned with a lady. One of these days the road you'll know when the time is right, heck you won;t even know the time would be right, another woman with relationship potential might just appear out of no where, when that happens, then yeah, got for it.
(4.) You mentioned....."My guy mates are all saying that I should basically just sleep with a random girl and it will make me feel better. " I don't know, I've heard with some men this tactic works and I've heard from some men that sleeping around with various women failed, some reported that they felt worse after doing so. Heck, some of my friends after my breakup offered to "hook me up" for a little "no strings attached booty call action", seriously, there were offering it up on a silver platter, all the while telling me that it would help me feel better......like hell buddy body, no way, keep you lady's to yourself. Yeah, the sex and sex only would probably feel awesome, but right now your to much in a ultra emotional sensitive state to do this. Part of you would feel like your cheating on your former love, part of you would be shocked your doing this and over analyzing how and why, just to many possible variables to tend to right now, best stay away from the "booty calls", that to will help your healing process.
(5.) You also said........"She also writes a blog. I can't keep myself away from it"! I would, just like I did with Facebook the same rules apply, "NO CONTACT", that means not checking her Facebook, not checking her My Space, not checking her Blog's, not checking her Instagram, not messing around with her on Twitter, no phone calls, no text's, no nothing! There's a process around here called "no contact" it a process designed to help you, just you, heal from a breakup! It's not a tool as to try and win your former love back, it's a tool to help give you the much needed mental space to cope, think, process, analyze, assess, plan, get into therapeutic actions and heal. So stop it with the social media, if you might have a problem with that I started a social media support group, it's there if you need it.
And last you asked ....."is what I'm feeling normal"? The answer to that is "yes" everything described and how you feel is very much normal, at least it is to me, other may say other wise, but to me, it's all normal!
Good luck......
Thanks for taking your time to write a lengthly response :)
As for the facebook thing, I know it will help me, but we are on good terms at the moment, we broke up mutually and still love each other greatly, and I don't want to upset her. If I move back into university I know for a fact that its over and we're not getting back together, which Is why I will remove her from facebook then.
as for the going out. I REALLY didn't expect to see her there, when we were together we both never went on nights out so it was a huge shock to me, if I move to university though I won't have to worry, because its quite far away from here.
as for point 4) you're completely right, I would still feel like I was cheating if I got with anybody at the moment.
and I know your right about the blog also ofcourse, It's just hard to stay away when you get a real big low.
But again, thankyou for your kind words and support, it really does help me out :).
I'm hoping to move to university and just really focus on improving myself, and for once in my life not think about women for once! I know you guys are going through the same situation as me so I wish you luck and hope that you guys heal up as soon as possible! :)
Apologies for any nonsensical//incorrect spelling, I've had no sleep and I'm really tired :)