Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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NotiNabor 12/10/2013

I'm so mad right now. We just had a huge fight about finances, I thought we should have some savings for emergencies. The problem is that whenever we fight now it always turns into some big terrible accusatory thing. Oh I gave him the look that says he's crazy for thinking that so he's not going to discuss it with me anymore. I get more frustrated that he's shutting down and now I'm making motions that show my frustration. If I ever disagree with him in anything, then I'm questioning his opinion, and I don't trust or believe him. If he questions me, it's only because I'm wrong, not that he doesn't trust me. What? Does he hear himself? How is it when we do the same things that he takes it so negative.

I'm so tired of fighting like this. It's like we can't have discussions about anything anymore. We used to communicate easily and freely. I'm not sure why it's turned into this, but I feel like it's almost time to just give up. I've been on and off this board several times in the past months, and usually about the time I get close to breaking, things turn around and I think it might work out. Maybe it would be better to just bite the bullet and get this over with? Argh.

Thanks all, I think I just needed to vent a little.

jaclyn1973 12/10/2013

I can only give you my experiences. Anytime I question my husband he would get defensive. He thought I was either accusing him of lying. or trying to "put him in his place". I had valid reasons for the questions but it was a real hot button for him/us. I think it played in to his insecurities.

charliegirl29 12/10/2013

I only have one.suggestion because of the whole accusatory thing you mentioned .....you just about have to come up with an idea that is yours but will work for both of you and if you can make him believe he came up with the idea then its better for both of you.. This way he feels like THE MAN. That is really all they want when they are fighting that way in my opinion. Good Luck.

Oh and "How is it different" ....its not really different......a man and a woman's mentality are different. Questioning a man's judgement seems to be a big issue and I can only imagine that is because a lot of the time they are the bread winners so to speak. Telling the bread winner how the money should be distributed never really works out very well for anyone whether the breadwinner be a man or a woman. So all you can really do is ask him to do something for you rather than tell him its wrong and complain about it. I'm not saying you are wrong to be disappointed or have a complaint but it works much better if you go about it this way in my opinion. Trust me. I've been through this a lot :-). Those arguments really do bite. It can be extremely hard to be submissive if you are not a submissive person by nature.

NotiNabor 12/11/2013

Thanks for the notes and advice. I am not a submissive person by nature. I was taught to be a strong independent woman. I was taught to question things that don't seem correct. He knows this about me, we've been together for 20 years. I'm not sure why this has become such a hot button for him in the past 6 months or so. I'm not trying to tell him that he's crazy or wrong or any other negative thing - just simply trying to have a discussion, as we have done for years. I've told him this but he just shuts down. It's gotten so bad that I'm seriously thinking about giving up. I don't see how we can have a marriage without communication, that's the most important thing.

As for the breadwinner part, well I actually make more than he does, always have. I'm very firm in equality and he's always been very supportive of that. Don't get me wrong, he's no slouch, he makes his fair share too. I just don't agree with society's rules on women playing subservient and bowing down to the man's authority. I never will. And neither has he before now. Sigh. I just don't really know what to do.

JennsJo 12/11/2013

Hi NotiNabor,
I believe that communication is KEY in a relationship.. without it, it can be very difficult to work through issues and come to a consensus on things. It sounds promising how you say youve had good communication in the past.. if youve been able to communicate in the past, then chances are you will be able to again? Perhaps your hubby was having a bad day or something and thats why he was shutting down.. maybe wait till its calmed down a bit and reapproach the topic again with him.. I understand your frustration .. communication blockage is very difficult to deal with at times and it definatelly puts up walls between people.

Hang in there! Hopefully things will get better : )) xo

deleted_user 12/11/2013

Hi Noti: You originally mentioned polyamory. Apparently this has a part in your core values that have changes and also some of the fights, and you're not talking to us about it. It's hard to help when we don't know what's going on.

deleted_user 12/11/2013

I am also not asubmissive person by nature, but I am slowly and surely realizing that most men want a woman who agrees, nods her head, and that's that. I think I will pick being alone over being a robot.

Secondly, being in a cycle of continuous arguing isn't normal and it's not healthy. If the argument goes from the topic to then other things like "your tone" or "the look you gave him" then it becomes about something that isn't money.

I am sorry you're having this communication issue, but it seems like it's really about something else, and money is the convenient "go to" issue.

Hugs!

NotiNabor 12/11/2013

Very astute observation TTMI. I do believe it's about something else entirely, and AsTimeGoesBy may have hit the nail on the head. I identify myself as polyamorous, but haven't been very open about it here for fear of being judged (sorry all, I know too many people are not very open about this kind of thing). My H does NOT identify as poly, and I guess that fundamental value or belief is probably the root of our core issues. I'm trying to be okay with it and move forward. He has stated that I'm not the same person he married, and that is indeed very true.

I suppose that this really deserves a new post, and I'm going to have to think through my thoughts on this. I hadn't really related the money argument back to the poly thing until just now. I do think you are absolutely correct though now that I'm thinking it through, it just makes too much sense. That is probably exactly why we've been arguing for 6 months and why he's been so accusatory in his arguments lately. Hmmmm.

charliegirl29 12/11/2013

Sorry if I wasn't more supportive and I certainly didn't mean to be a subserviant. But when a man shuts down communication I have found a lot of times he may feel emasculated in some way. It is highly annoying because you have no idea. Best of luck to you

charliegirl29 12/11/2013

Subservient*

deleted_user 12/11/2013

Ok, I feel dumb, what is polyamory?

NotiNabor 12/12/2013

Not at all blondie. I've been struggling with how to describe it to the group in a neutral way. I think this article does a good job:
http://www.salon.com/2012/01/21/our_successful_open_marriage/

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