So we are coming up on 2 months since the breakup. I am surpisingly feeling a lot better. I cried everyday for the first 5 weeks, last week only 3 days and this week not once yet. Today has been the worst I have felt this week and I think it is because I was supposed to be away with him for the upcoming 4th of July weekend at a friends lake house. I didnt make any new plans for the 5 days I have off so I decided I am just going home to see family and relax. I guess I am feeling a bit bad about myself because we had so many travel plans and now without him my travel plans are all gone. I have been trying to make new travel plans with friends but everyone seems to have a reason: they cant take time off work, they have too many other travel plans with their husband, they dont have the money, etc, etc. It just hasnt been as easy to replace all these plans like I thought it would be. I just picture him out there living the life traveling the world for free with his pilot lifestyle while I sit here stuck in my 9-5 cubicle 5 days a week.

I am now able to see how things would not have worked out in the long run as our lifestyles are not compatible at all. I was always stressed about saving money and getting the time off for everything we tried to do and he never understood because he could do it all for free and pilots can come and go as they please. As much as I wanted kids with him, would I really want kids with someone who is gone half the month and exhausted from jet lag when they are home? I want a simpler lifestyle. His lifestyle and the excitement that came with it intrigued me. We always had great fun dates and on an adventure but when it came to relaxing and just being in the moment he couldnt do it. He was go go go all the time and I didnt realize until now how exhausted I really was. I always felt like I was trying to be "on point" for him, meaning even though I am the type of person who likes a simpler lifestyle and routine, I tried to go along with his all over the place schedule and lifestyle to make sure he didnt think I was boring or a downer. I was sick often due to lack of sleep, drinking more and eating poorly by trying to keep up with all the things he wanted to do when he was home. I guess I always thought that the constant dates and activities meant we would stay in the honeymoon phase for a long time and all the effort he was putting in, I thought was because he loved me, but I see it now that he is just the type of person that can't sit still. He was always going to be the guy that made me feel left behind. He was always going to travel the world without me because I couldnt get the time off. He was always going to make me feel insecure.

I always thought I was 100% myself around him but looking back, if I was insecure about the future and finances, that was not me being my 100% self. I felt insecure about money because all of his goals were materialistic things I knew I couldnt afford. I make probably 1/3 the income he does and all I could think about was how in the world was my income going to pay for a sailboat, cars, and houses right now. He was weird about finances from his divorce so he was not willing to do anything that wasn't split 50/50 like our trips and stuff and my friends always pointed out that was weird and that if he wanted me to travel with him, then he should be paying for more of it. I don't know, but I am finally starting to feel more feelings of relief and like I am myself again. I do still think of him, especially on the weeknds and wonder where he is in the world and if he is happier without me, but it just doesn't hurt like it used to.