Hi Aly,
I am so sorry, I am going through a similar situation, my husband I separate just over a week ago. IT SUCKS! But if he says until the end of October to decide, I suggest marriage counseling, it doesn't mean the relationship will be saved but it would help YOU.

Ugh...the dreaded "I'm not feeling it anymore." It's amazing how our lives can change in the blink of an eye. Unfortunately there is nothing that anyone can say or do to make things better. It helps coming on here and seeing that others are going through the pain and hurt and are surviving. It is easy to blame yourself and do everything in your power to change everything *he* thinks is wrong with you. While I do recommend changing for the better, you need to do it for yourself. This is a time where you are going to relive every single "I should have done this..." and "what if" moment in your relationship. It is normal and it is part of the process. If you really do want to keep this relationship, then work on you for you. I know it sounds impossible because you want to work on you for him...but the more you change for him and the more you 'depend' on him to make you feel better...he will never come around. I cried, I begged, I bargained with my guy and all it did was push him further away. Everything feels upside down right now and it feels impossible to live without him, but you can't control him and if he has already checked out of the marriage, there is nothing you can do. Know that it is not your fault...it is his for giving up instead of trying.

Aly,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. That feeling of rejection, of not being loved..I don't know if there is anything worse. The only thing to do in your situation is give him space and let him go. If he truly loves you and wants to try, he will find you again. I know that is of little help for the way you are feeling but you can't change others, only how you react to them.

I will keep you in my thoughts Aly..Keep us posted.

Wow Babbie..what more is there to say. You said it perfectly!

Thanks for the replies, guys... the worst part of this whole situation is that we're sort of in limbo, not knowing where we stand. I'm sort of lost.

Are you sure he doesn't have something on the side?

Babieloo, very well said. And im so sorry to say it, but have you considered what Blindside has said? Maybey check his phone or his computer when u get a chance, if you are wondering. I know it has to suck being in a suspended state, not letting you go and not committing to work on things and be together. It sounds like the problem is something inside of him, not you,

I understand the linbo bit. I was there for a long time. Unfortunately, nothing will really change until one of you leaves. You are both still "in the situation." As soon as I left the house, I felt a lot better. Sometimes space and time are all that are needed to heal a relationship. Maybe if he takes some space away from you and the house he will realize what he is giving up and fight harder for it. Who knows. I am so sorry that you are in this position. There are a lot of us on here who are and we are all here for you to talk to. We should make our own, "Rejected, yet worth it" group. =)

It seems like this is going forward full swing. We are making plans to separate and it's looking more and more toward divorce. But I've gotten past the hardest point and I think I'm ready for this. I'm going to move in with my sister's family for a few months until I can save up the money to make sure I'll be good on my own and then I'll be taking my kitty to our very first ever apartment by ourselves. I'm fighting to try and find ways to look for silver linings and bright sides just so that I can keep the depression, anger and all those negative emotions at bay.

Even if you feel like you are ready and okay at this point, you are going to fall apart. I too accepted it and moved out and then just one day it all hit me. You have to allow that part.

I was too the desperate person pleading to him for the marriage and our family. I compared myself to a pathetic puppy waiting for her owner to get home and then I was so excited but he kicked me to the side. Day after day I was that pathetic puppy.

The one thing I didn't do was work on me up until I was over being pathetic. Being desperate for us pushed him more away. I now focus on me and my kids. If he calls me or texts me, cool but I am in this life change for me. I now am able to see how pathetic he actually is because he has not made any life changes..He has actually gone backwards so its good to be in my spot and see his life spiraling down.

Keep your head up, write a lot, scream, cry, kick, yell, etc...whatever you can do to let it all out. Don't keep it inside or you are going to have horrible anxiety.

If I may put my two cents in.
When my brother got a divorce it was the same thing "I'm not feeling it anymore" was all he would tell everyone. We all tried to talk him out of it and his wife begged and cried and almost fell into a depression. They tried marriage counseling and just made it worse.
One day my other brother and I talked to our sister in law and sat her down. We told her straight out and actually made her cry for being so blunt but it was a needed evil.
This is what we said:
Adriana you need to stop crying. You need to stop begging and most of all you need to stop asking him so many questions on WHY and WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE..... He doesn't need the harrasment of questions. You are not asking for his sake you are asking for YOUR sake. You want answers to make yourself feel better. So what you need to do now is get up, dust yourself off, and start working out again. Become a strong woman he can admire and the beautiful woman he married. Lose those depression pounds you have gained this past month. Hit the gym. Make the best dinners you used to make again and don't even ask him to sit with you guys. Just make it and eat with the kids. Go out with your friends and when he does reach out even if it's just a little welcome the intent with warmth. When he backs away let him back away again without holding him back.
The family getting involved and pressuring him was also making it worse so we stopped. We all gave him his space.
She finally snapped a week later and took our advice. They are still together 3 years later.
He came around. There was no other woman. It was genuinely a guy thing. A STUPID GUY THING... but a guy thing non the less. She read Women are from venus men are from mars and it helped her a lot because that book is filled with ways to understand the secret language of men and women. Like for instance the dreaded "I'm not feeling it anymore"
HE has to want you again. He has to desire you again. He needs to feel that jelousy of "My wife is so amazing that I CAN'T afford to let her out of my sight because someone is bound to snatch her away"
Trust me as a guy when I say this.... The begging and the crying just pushes us away and turns us off.
Make a change today.
Read that book it will help I promise. Women are From Venus Men are from Mars. It has saved many relationships and marriages. You still have time. Get going before it's too late. Don't give up hope and DON'T let your self esteem lower at a time like this. Be hopeful.

I sort of agree with this advice, except that I would do all of that improving for MYSELF and not for him. Whenever we do things to improve or change ourselves just for the other person, it's hollow, and it doesn't hold. Twisting yourself up into a pretzel to conform to some idea someone else has of what you should be will hurt YOU in the long run, because it's not about being the best YOU you can be, it's about being the best YOU someone else wants you to be. Be true to yourself. Start living life for yourself. Go out with friends; try something new. If he wants to get back together with you in the future, you will be in a better position to say thanks or no thanks based on how you feel about yourself. And you will have to strength to make it on your own if that's what you choose to do.

I don't know, when I read what you wrote my first reaction was that it sounds like he's trying to pre-emptively shift all of the blame for things 'not working' onto you. It just sounds like it's him sitting in judgement on you, declaring that it's because you haven't devoted yourself 100% to the relationship. It just feels wrong to try to emotionally blackmail you into changing/acting the way that he wants you to be. Especially when he then declares that it's still not good enough to suit him even though he claims it's how he 'wants you to be'.

I guess that I think that you simply be the best you that you can be, not some little Stepford doll acting in the manner that he claims to want. Be your true self, be the person that you really are and if in the end that's still not good enough for him then perhaps you should go your separate ways. Loving someone, sharing a life together, should mean loving them for who they really are, not for some idealized version of what you'd like them to be.

You deserve to be loved for who you are.

You know, I agree with Cheryt and Feeling,
I think to love someone based on what they look like is way beyond me. It's the same thing as when your husband loses his hair to feel you need a new husband.
I have known men who have forced their wives to change how they look, then when they hit 50 left her anyway for a 30 year old.
You have to remember when you are 70 plus--it's not going to make a huge difference what the person besides you looks like as long as there is someone next to you that you ENJOY spending time with. Meaning similar interests, compatibility.
The people I know who have focused on looks---just the ones I know, are usually pretty shallow people in the first place.

I think if you are not good enough now and you bust your but trying to please HIM, in the future, you will find yourself not good enough for him once again. We need to live our lives for ourselves rather than trying to make other people happy.
Sorry for the rant.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for all the words of kindness, support and advice. It has given me a very well rounded outside look at everything that is going on at the moment. A LOT has happened since I took the time to post this.... starting first and foremost that we came to the conclusion that separation is the way to go. I, however, see divorce in our future.

Why? Because I don't think I want to be with a man who can be so emotionally detached and tell me that he hasn't seen the real me until now in our relationship. I've been the same attitude, pants size and personality since we met..... in high school.

I'm no longer crying. He still shows me affection but sex is absolutely 100% out of the question, MY decision, not his. He is the only man I have ever slept with and I cannot separate casual sex with him from something deeply heartfelt and meaningful. I will still be civil to him, but I will not sleep with him while I know he is still going to walk out next month at the end of our lease.

I'm moving in with my sister, to give me a few months of security to get back on my feet and get my finances in order. Because that's what I'm most afraid of.... not being able to support myself. I feel as though if I prepare to the best of my ability while I have a safety net I will come out as a more confident, independent woman in the end and not have to rely on anyone but myself.... and the cat :3

We are civil to each other right now, working together to get everything separated and all the bills directed to where they need to go, but we are really very lucky. If this situation is one we have to be in at least we have three things to be thankful for:
1) we never had children - no custody battles.
2) we never bought a house - no community property to fight over.
3) the only thing that relies on both of us is his truck note - easily monitored.

So looking at all that I know that the horizon can be bright for me. I've been told at work that I am a completely different person. My coworkers say that all the stress has fallen off of me and I am actually laughing more than when we were at our "best" in our marriage.

I know that eventually reality is going to catch up with me and I know that when it does I'm going to have a drastic breakdown, but until then I will use this new clear head of mine to plan for the absolute worst.

Again, thank you all so much for the support and advice, the kindness and the hugs. Sorry I'm so long winded too :)