Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
This has been a hard year for my husband and I, and I fully take responsibility for that. I've struggled with depression since the fall of 2011, so it has been a long and difficult struggle. I'm actually doing quite well right now, but since it has been such a long, hard battle, I am hesitant to declare victory quite yet. I say all of that to be clear what my husband has gone through. He has been a rock throughout an extremely difficult experience. My husband works the night shift, so we unfortunately only really see each other on the weekends and even then, he works on the weekends at least half of the time. We are definitely people who see our coworkers more than we see our spouse.
Today he told me he had developed feelings for one of his coworkers. It is unrequited, as far as he knows, and the other woman is married. He says he's not going to act on it, and he feels terrible that it happened, but at times he thinks more of her than of me...
I just don't know what to do with this information. I'm hurt and I feel violated and I am upset and my heart hurts. But at the same time, when I talk to him, I act like nothing has happened. I don't want to lose what we have, but I don't want to minimize my self-worth. I deserve to have someone who thinks solely of me. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. All of my family and our friends are off-limits because I don't want to turn them against him. But I feel like this is something I shouldn't face alone. I guess I just need people to talk to. I was hoping someone might relate or tell me what they think. It's not that I'm looking for someone to tell me what to do, I just need the experience of community. I hope that is okay and I appreciate any feedback.
Today he told me he had developed feelings for one of his coworkers. It is unrequited, as far as he knows, and the other woman is married. He says he's not going to act on it, and he feels terrible that it happened, but at times he thinks more of her than of me...
I just don't know what to do with this information. I'm hurt and I feel violated and I am upset and my heart hurts. But at the same time, when I talk to him, I act like nothing has happened. I don't want to lose what we have, but I don't want to minimize my self-worth. I deserve to have someone who thinks solely of me. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. All of my family and our friends are off-limits because I don't want to turn them against him. But I feel like this is something I shouldn't face alone. I guess I just need people to talk to. I was hoping someone might relate or tell me what they think. It's not that I'm looking for someone to tell me what to do, I just need the experience of community. I hope that is okay and I appreciate any feedback.
He needs to change jobs, or shifts, or departments or something. Now every time he goes to work your going to wonder and worry.
I'd also suggest you make some couple time. It doesn't matter how you do it but it needs to happen. It's really needed to help you two to connect as a couple again. Instead of living like roommates or neighbors.....
He may be spending more time with the coworker but it doesn't justify him developing feeling for her. That's his bad....not your fault at all.
I suppose in many ways it's good that he told you before anything happened, before he even said anything to the coworker. This probably can be fixed if you want it to be, if he wants it go be.
It will take making more time for the two of you to start making time for yourselves, time to be a couple. No distractions. Possibly some counseling would be a good idea as well.
Please believe though that your struggling with depression does not make you responsible in any way for his actions. So don't believe that any more.
You are worthy of a husband that loves you (and only you) completely. In spite of health problems. A husband that is committed to you. A husband that respects you. A husband that cherishes you. A husband that loves you and accepts you for exactly who you are.....depression and all. You do deserve that....so demand that as well.
Hugs! I'm sorry you find yourself in this type of support group but I believe you will find help and support while you are here.
My husband and I are just trying to work on it and the gap was much wider than what this is or so it seems he left the relationship and had an affair.. he is also dealing with depression and is finally getting help and wants to work on it. there will be lots of counceling ahead and I don't know if it will work in the end.. we are both very different people than before this began..
I think time and work will tell both of us what is still left. I wish the best for you.
I think that he told you about this before anything happened because it was his cry for help to you. That he's been there for you through everything (as you said) and he needs you now. Hold off on the feelings of being violated until the other woman gets involved--as of now she is not.
You say you shouldn't have to face this alone--you don't and you and your husband work through this TOGETHER as a team and you don't involve family or friends as it's not their concern or problem.
Therapy is a great start. You said you had a really rough year and your husband was a rock. Maybe what you didn't see was how much he hurt inside and how cast aside he felt and still does and apparently you two don't talk about things. So consider how he was the rock for you and now you put the affront aside and be the rock for him through this.
I can tell you, unequivocally, positively, that some people are capable of loving more than one person at a time. The fact that he has minor, unrequited feelings for someone he works with DOESN'T MEAN HE LOVES YOU ANY LESS. Some people are just wired differently in this respect.
I'm willing to bet that you have thought someone besides your husband was attractive. A celebrity, a stranger, whatever. Does that mean you love him any less? I know there's a difference, but you know what I mean.
I would ask where the desire to have him think solely of you comes from? If he's good to you and loves you, what's the difference?
The fact that your schedules are making it difficult to maintain a healthy bond is a serious, but separate issue, in my humble opinion. Work on that first.