Ready for a line that is going to sound incredibly insane? I feel very fortunate to be breaking up with someone who is as incredible as my husband. Yeah I know...

So the first 3 weeks of wondering what was wrong with me and what I did to screw up our marriage was just too much to take. I finally broke my vow of no contact and am so glad I did. For the past 4 days or so I've been talking with my stbx about what happened and how we both feel about everything. I realized that I was fine on my own. In fact when I met my stbx I had been on my own for a few years and was very happy and self confident. I came out of an actual bad marriage where I stayed way too many years too long and needed a lot of self repairs afterward. I feel like I grew from the experience. I bought a house on my own and started a my own business and did well with it. I missed not having the physical contact with a man but was so happy with myself that I didn't need the relationship. I dated a guy I met online for a few months until it was clear he had a drinking problem and broke that off. When my husband started to pursue me I resisted although I was physically and emotionally very attracted to him. He won in the end and I was so glad he did. We had an incredible 4 years together. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. Until he got into a situation that he couldn't cope with and pushed me away.

We have been talking about the problems he's been having and the feelings of abandonment, etc. He still wants a divorce. Even though he knows most of the reason he is doing this has nothing to do with me and has everything to do with the horrible place he's in and will be for some time, something in him needs to be alone. We have been so open with each other and I feel I know where all of this pain is coming from that I can get past it and do something to help him and feel good about it. He's actually still very confused and worried that he'll never be able to have a healthy relationship. He's not leaving me for another woman. He's not leaving me because of something I did. He's leaving me for the Army. He had to pick one or the other and, well, they don't give you the choice to divorce the Army :)

So I am sad that I am losing my best friend. I am sad that he feels so trapped and alone. I'm sad I won't be able to sit on that porch swing with him when I'm in my 80s. I'm not sad that I had 4 unbelievable years. I'm not sad that he feels like he has someone to confide in again. I'm not sad that I have to find a new job and move to a new city because the truth is the old one wasn't very good for me or my kids lives.

I know in here no contact is usually a great idea. Usually one person hurts the other and it's a good idea to break ties. But sometimes in life two good people get put in an impossible situation that both can't survive together and being open with each other is SO incredibly healing. I know that there is a chance that if he makes it out of he hell he is in that he may think he made a mistake. He knows that too and I've told him that I could never be there for him as a wife again. But I promised to love him forever and I'd literally walk through hell for him. So I'll give him a divorce and be there whenever he needs someone to help him feel connected. I'm sure sometime in the future someone else will take my place and I'm sure that'll hurt like hell. For now though I'm happy to walk side by side with him in hell.

I don't want to give anyone the idea that it's a good idea to call their ex and talk about everything because in most cases it's not going to work and you really need to work on you and no dwell on the past. It just happens to work for me in my situation and I am so thankful that it can.