Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So I have pretty much come to the decision that I need to confront my husband and tell him I've been thinking of asking for a divorce. In my mind it's what I want and what seems logical, but in my heart I feel like I want to give him a chance to talk with me about it. I want to tell him I can't take his verbal abuse, saying some things so hurtful to me and then the next day when I'm not talking to him or something he wonders what the big deal is because he said he was sorry already. I have my own problems, I am not so fun to be around as I suffer from depression which I'm on medication for. I put on the bravest face for my family and friends but around him I don't, I just be miserable and that's no fun to be around. I have demons, I'm overweight and spend more than half the week drinking myself to sleep. Sometimes I blame my H for the drinking because before I met him I never did that, but at the same time it's me buying it and drinking it, he's not forcing me too. He shows no affection for me and I don't show much for him either. I feel like I'm married to a friend. H is an alcoholic, sex addict (well was before I met him-orgy's porn etc), and a nicotine addict and a money spender. We are both bad with money, but together it's been a nightmare. We make just over $80,000 a year combined but live paycheck to paycheck in a rented place and can barley make ends meet and sometimes even borrow from Money Mart. (I'm in Canada)
We have no savings, no investments or rrsp's for the future and we are considered bankrupt and we are in a debt repayment program. I feel like we just feed on each other. Deep down I know this isn't healthy or good and I've told him I am not in love with him anymore but he still doesn't see a problem. He is a truck driver and so I've been waiting for him to come home to talk to him. Well I picked him up today and need to have this talk. Part of me wants to just say I want a divorce, part of me wants to tell him divorce has been on my mind, and part of me wants to see what he has to say about it and give him a chance to say he will change etc. Well it's not fair to make someone change who they are. I knew he smoked when I met him, I knew he drank after getting to know him, I knew about his past sexual encounters and that he sucked with money worse than me....yet I stayed with him and knew deep down I shouldn't be marrying him, but having him say he would change kept me there. I need to find myself again, I'm so afraid of being alone that I just "settled". I'm young, I want a family and a lover and best friend and I can still have that but I need to be true to myself. If I work on my self worth I would clearly see how amazing I am and say, I just settled for somebody because it was better than being alone. So should I even expect him to change or give him a chance? I don't think so and it's tearing me apart inside. Life sure sucks sometimes!
We have no savings, no investments or rrsp's for the future and we are considered bankrupt and we are in a debt repayment program. I feel like we just feed on each other. Deep down I know this isn't healthy or good and I've told him I am not in love with him anymore but he still doesn't see a problem. He is a truck driver and so I've been waiting for him to come home to talk to him. Well I picked him up today and need to have this talk. Part of me wants to just say I want a divorce, part of me wants to tell him divorce has been on my mind, and part of me wants to see what he has to say about it and give him a chance to say he will change etc. Well it's not fair to make someone change who they are. I knew he smoked when I met him, I knew he drank after getting to know him, I knew about his past sexual encounters and that he sucked with money worse than me....yet I stayed with him and knew deep down I shouldn't be marrying him, but having him say he would change kept me there. I need to find myself again, I'm so afraid of being alone that I just "settled". I'm young, I want a family and a lover and best friend and I can still have that but I need to be true to myself. If I work on my self worth I would clearly see how amazing I am and say, I just settled for somebody because it was better than being alone. So should I even expect him to change or give him a chance? I don't think so and it's tearing me apart inside. Life sure sucks sometimes!
It sounds like you and I are both in this predicament. I too have waited for countless conversations for my husband to try and make an amends to me and guess what, Im still waiting. I have no idea how long that may be. I guess its normal that we want to see the good and keep waiting for it to come. You mentioned that deep down you knew you shouldnt marry him - I felt that way too yet I still did. Im not sure why we would do that! : ( They say that a woman marries a Man thinking he will change and a man marries a woman hoping she wont change. Quite a dichotomy huh??
I suggest you keep it real with yourself and ask yourself if he never changes, as he most likely wont, will you be able to live with him and be happy? If not, Id suggest following your gut and splitting. Im not advocating divorce or separation, just saying that sometimes people just shouldnt force a relationship - sometimes it just not meant to be. In this case it sounds like its not : (
http://www.excelatlife.com/articles/breakingup.htm
http://www.excelatlife.com/articles/selfesteem.htm
You can't make a well thought out life changing decision like this while drinking. Stop. Spend a month without a drop of it and see how you feel.
Alcohol is a depressant. This is not news. You don't drink because you're depressed, you're depressed because you drink. It's going to screw with your meds.
Start I clear those money mart debts. Booze is expensive here, take what you were spending on the booze and start paying your debts.
Here's the mean part - most of your problems are completely self-created. You can't focus on one thing because you are messing up in so many. You are not taking control over anything and feel helpless. Leaving your marriage won't change anything at this point because everything else will continue to suck. Step up and be responsible.
But start with the booze.
Tammi