I have been reading the post on this site now for several weeks, I have not responded or wrote anything myself. I first would like to tell everybody that I am so sorry that we are all in this situation, and that in reading your writings you have helped me on many days when I am feeling very vulnerable/sad/lonely and scared you give me strength and hope to go on, and to know that I am not alone in this world. Thank you for your sharing your most difficult situations.

I am separated from my husband of 4 yrs and will be getting a divorce. I was in my mid 40’s,had never been married before when we got married. I was a single mom for 18 years with two children still at home. , I met my husband when my children were older teenage kids. We hit it off right away and had so much fun and did things with all of the kids. He had been divorced twice, and basically told me that both of his ex’s had affairs on him, and one had a drug problem as well, and that is why he had gotten divorced. His family seemed to confirm the story. We did not live together until 2 months before our wedding and everything was wonderful until after the wedding then he changed, he started becoming mentally/emotionally abusive, trying to control everything I did, constantly asking who I was talking or texting with, always accusing me of having affairs. Then he would accuse my daughter of trying to break us up and would accuse me of having an affair with my daughter, because we would talk daily. I had only seen him drink a few times in the 2 years when we were dating, but then he was so happy and fun, after I moved in when he would drink he would get mean and say nasty, hurtful awful things to me and my daughter. This went on for a year getting worse every day. We fought daily and I was living in the spare bedroom in the house. One night he broke into my room drunk and verbally abusive and brought a gun in” to show me” it was an old gun, he never pointed it at me, but I considered it to be threatening due to things he was saying. I had asked him numerous times to go to counseling and he would never go. So I talked with him about separating and going to counseling, and he agreed because we were fighting all of the time at that point. I moved out with my children. He would call me all of the time drunk and blame everything on me because I had moved out, didn’t show up for any of our counseling sessions, after being gone less than 2 months he moved another lady into the house we were living in. This went on for 3-4 months, but he would keep calling me, long story short we got back together- I know stupid HUH!  I truly loved him and felt like maybe things were my fault since I did move out even though my intent was good. Long story short after a 3-4 months back at home everything went back to the way it was prior to moving out only now I had to try to deal with his affair as well. He was texting and talking to other women all the time, but accusing me of having affairs. He accused me of having sex with my brother and daughter during his many drunk episodes. Along with all of the other controlling/ verbal abuse he did before, he wouldn’t go to counseling.  It got much worse, so I ended up moving out again. I am feeling like maybe this is partly my fault that we are getting a divorce now, maybe if I had stayed and tried harder to make things work instead of moving out we could have worked thru things. I have never had an affair or did anything to make him think I was having an affair, and I know I deserve better than to be controlled and verbally/ mentally abused, but I feel so guilty that I left. I still love this man and don’t know why ? We have been separated for 2 months and in less than 1 week he started going out to the bars and stated seeing someone, but keeps texting me on how he misses me and the things we did, I don’t respond at all, but I am so confused and feel like I am going crazy