For the past several days I've been kind of in a weird and funky space in my heart and in my mind!

As the calendar days progress, and I have now reached day number 73 since the last time my ex-fiance and I touched, hugged and kissed and said goodbye! The process of making to a day 73 has been a very hard one, one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through in all of my 44 years of life. The first month was literally a killer, full of crying, sobbing, stomach aches, headaches, racing thoughts, panic, anxiety, depression, doom and gloom, borderline suicidal thoughts here and there, the memories she left behind in the old home, the tragedy of it all, ect. ect. ect.

Month number two was a bit better, but still with tons of emotions, tons of thoughts that dealt with the great unknown of my life, the empty void in both heart and home, the sever missing of ones company and companionship, being hit around every corner with the memories of better times, the anger, the frustrations, the worry and doubts and missing my one true love.

Now at the beginning of month number three I made a choice to move our of my old home, a home that was still filled with her spirit, filled with memories of her and dealing with as if the walls themselves were closing in around me, yelling her name! So I moved into a new place, one that has never been shared with anyone. To be honest, the move helped me greatly, it helped a lot, to no longer be cooking on her old stove, or sitting upon a once shared toilet seat, or sleeping in a once shared bedroom, the "shared" part was the killer, so I moved to remove the "shared" part of everything. I'm now at the tail end of week number two and am enjoying the peace that has come with the new place.

But even with the improvements in my life, I'm currently in a very odd and funky place, both in heart and mind. I find myself at points in the day acknowledging myself for making it this far, for making the tough choice to move, to try and make a better life for myself, but still I am haunted with the memories! I find myself late at night taking a walk and walking by our old place and remembering the good times shared, the one Thanksgiving, the one Christmas, both our Birthdays, two 4th of July's, the trips to places like Lake Tahoe, San Francisco, Bodega Bay and many more. The memories of hosting friends for things like Wrestlemainia, a Super bowl party, dinners, pop corn and a movie nights and so forth. Also the memories of the not so good times, the arguments, the disagreements, the cussing, the judging, the yelling ect. ect. ect.

I find myself going to our old spots around town, not really having any business there, just going there to simply to remember. It's as if when I sit say at the local park at our old bench, it's as if a part of my mind is watching a mental movie or video clip of us being there, it's as if my mind for a couple of minutes get's lost in the mental movie, it's as if the images and memories in my head give me some sort of twisted relief, I can't explain it, it's almost like I have a compelling temptation to re-visit places we went to, places that we called our own, when there, like at the park, my mind fires up that mental movie playing back memories and better times and I get lost again for a minute or two, but when I snap out of it, I feel like crap.

Also something else that goes on with me is very odd. For most of the time I'm not very anxious or shaky, but when I try to lift a finger around the house, say the kitchen floor needs sweeping or say the living room floor needs vacuuming, for some odd reason the very moment I start in on a task, I shake! I all of a sudden get depressed and I get a lump in my throat, and my mind in a very mild panic realizes I'm just doing this task for me, and get a little down when I realize I'm not doing for another person, as to try and make them happy by doing things for them, as to ease their burdens. once my mind realizes I'm just doing this for me, and there's no one else here to do it for, I shake and get a little anxious, I can't explain it!

I know I'm getting better on several different levels, I'm starting to get back into some old hobbies that used to make me happy. I'm daring to venture into the world of music again, but practicing strict filtering of what I listen to, I don't need to be hit with an atomic bomb of memories when one of our old songs come on, I am doing my best to filter and make sure that doesn't happen. I hosted my first dinner party here at the new place, seeing that it had been close to 3-4 months since last I hosted anything, I figured I should start back up again, the dinner party went well. For the past several months I have participated in some local support group meetings, which is helping me realize what my parts were that had a hand in my breakup, and I'm now doing my best to try and correct my short comings, as so they might not pop up in my next relationship.

I'm doing a lot of good, but I'm still missing my ex-fiance like something crazy! I shouldn't, seeing the way she left me, I should just be thanking my lucky stars that I survived the world of being engaged to a sociopath and leave it at that. But I can't, I still miss her greatly, I miss the good things she brought to our relationship, it wasn't all bad, it had tons of good times, which those are the times I'm missing and on many levels I am still painfully in love with her. I've been "no contact" with her since August 7th, that was a painful phone call, being told she doesn't care about me, doesn't care where my life takes me, ect. ect. ect., how can I forget that warm and fuzzy phone call.

But still, in my recovery I just feel funky, I feel like I'm blasting through recovery at 100 miles per hour, but at the same time I feel like my tires are stuck in the mud, I can't explain it!

Just trying the best I can, that's all I can do!