Hello, first off let me say that it has been nice to have found an actual on-line support group that deal with break up's.

Unlike perhaps some, who might approach this type of group and put the blame for a break up, and the devastation left behind of once a great relationship onto some else's shoulders, I would love to dump all the blame on my now ex-fiance, but I can't !

This is what is making this break up that much more harder for me to deal with, not only am I now living with the fact that a woman no longer wanted to be with me, nor in my life anymore, and as of a week ago, since left me and flew back home to Ohio to now live with her parents. But I'm now sitting here, alone, and being haunted with the guilt of making most of the relationship implode.

I met my now ex-fiance little over a year ago, she was living in Ohio, me here in California, we met on-line through a video gamers group. For months we talked to each other over the internet, one thing lead to another and we went from a simple communications program like Team Speak, then we started talking via Skype, then after a couple months of that we decided to go "real world" with our relationship, and I made the arrangements to fly myself to Ohio to meet her and her parents.

Shortly after things went "real world" that's where some of the problems started, problems that I'm now painfully dealing with now. From the start I wasn't entirely honest with her about various things. I would lie at first to protect my family by telling her that you'll love my family, their nice people. You'll love my Son, he is an okay kid, he's a nice guy. You'll love the property back in Sacramento that I live at, you'll have a blast.

Those are a few examples of what I was dishing out to her, within this past year of my ex-fiance living with me, after deciding to leave her parents home, and make the trip to be with me, my ex-fiance since then has come to find out that I was hiding a dirty little secret about my family. She found out that they aren't very nice people as I lied to her about, for she had issues with them from the very start. She then came to find out that my Son isn't the "nice guy" as I told her, that he was just a rude prick that didn't treat woman very well, and since her arrival had not been nice to my ex-fiance at all. She also came to find out shortly after moving in with me, that my ex-wife lived on the same property as I do, she had moved away back during our divorce in 2008, but a couple years ago had since moved back onto property, with her now husband. My ex-fiance from the start was a little nerved out that I wouldn't tell her something important, and I ran and hid behind a statement like "you never asked"!

There was some other "trust issues" that had come up within this past year, enough of them, to force the woman I love, to make the painful choice that she would rather not be with me or my family anymore and requested last month to go home, back to Ohio, back to her parents loving arms.

Shortly after her announcement, and bringing my Mother into this, as for I couldn't cover the funds to fly my ex-fiance to Ohio, my Mother tried her best to fist offer some helpful advice to my ex-fiance, words like "before you run off at the first sign of real trouble, you short wait a period of time and see if my Son can get some help for his problems and see if her can change enough, as to make you feel comfortable about being here"!

Other's, linked to the situation were basically saying the same thing, like "give it time", "let Aaron try to get himself some help", "let's see what Aaron does after getting some help, he might change"! A lot of people were telling her that kind of stuff, but it really didn't matter. My ex-fiance kept telling people that she was hurt, she now felt uncomfortable in being in a relationship with someone that needed my type of professional help and just kept saying "I just want to go home"!

Let me tell you, when my ex-fiance was saying that things were pretty much over and that she just wanted to go home, it was a real punch in the gut for me. It hurt me, it made me instantly cry, it floored me, I was racing with tons of emotions, I was feeling extreme guilt for my part in the break up, I basically went from someone self assured in their relationship to being lost within 30 seconds.

Shortly after her announcement, the brick wall of reality hit me, "Aaron you better get your crap together and seek out some help, if you don't your going to lose this woman"! So 2 days later I found an on-line support group, right here at Daily Strength, a group that deals with dishonesty and provides support and help to those afflicted with the habit and compulsion.

My ex-fiance after detecting that I had joined the group was pleased to hear it, she knew I did because for days she'd see me at my desk, it's web site on my screen and just typing away, trying to get advise and help for me problem. But that wasn't enough! I then proceeded to call around to some local places that provided compulsive disorder support and help, I then proceeded to join their Saturday support group, which I was able to attend two meetings before my ex-fiance left my home, bound for Ohio.

During those two meetings that she was able to verify and witness, did proceed to compliment me on being willing to go out and get some help, and mildly complimented me on the sliver of slight progress she was now seeing, but it wasn't enough. So within a couple days of my ex-fiance's departure she sat me down and told me she was happy and impressed with the work I had done up to that point, but she "bottom lined" things good by telling me that I shouldn't be wasting my time seeking out and getting help just on the premise of try to keep her from leaving, for it was made clear that wasn't going to happen.

She reminded me of things like, "the airline ticket is already bought", "my parents are now expecting me and need my financial help once I get there" ,"my personal belongings have already been shipped out via the post office, I've got nothing here even if I wanted to stay", stuff like that.

Plus I was reminded that for the better part of two weeks, while waiting for my ex-fiance departure date of August 3rd, that we've just been like generic room mates, not lovers, I was told that she looked forward to not living this way anymore, where she could get back to being with real people and people who love her.

So I quickly had to sit myself down, by myself, and reevaluate my reasonings and motivations behind the help I recently got, and decide on what I was doing it for. After some long painful thinking, still all the while realizing that I've lost her, I decided to stick with it, keep getting the help, try to get better, not just for any possible future woman who might come into my life, as so not make the same mistakes with that person, but primarily for myself.

So now my ex-fiance has been gone since the evening of August 3rd, that's when the airport shuttle van arrived outside, we embraced one last time, gave each other a quick kiss, whispered to each other "I love you" and her telling me to get yourself better, you might just be a better person for it, she boarded the van, each of crying, and I watched her drive down the drive way, the van got onto the street and watched until the van drifted off out of sight.

I have felt so empty since she's been gone, I look around the house sometimes and the memories of her being here floor me. Her old living room easy chair, the nightly fact that part of the bed is now empty, my cat's always squawking and meowing by the door waiting for Mommy's return, the personal property that she left behind and requested that when I get the chance if I could mail some of it to her, dealing with your ex-fiance's property after she's gone is hard to deal with, especially the clothing, which most had her scent on it, talk about sensory kick in the crotch.

Plus I'm getting hit with what appears to be small miniature little panic attacks. I get this white hot/cold feeling that comes across my body when my mind, as it always does, takes a look around and get's hit with "she's not here, what am I going to do"? It's as if everything about the situation hit's me all at once and my mind just can't handle it.

My heart has been breaking, I find myself going down memory lane often, I now get hit with the realization that from here on out I have to do and handle everything on my own, I sit and can barely make it through dinner's, because we used to eat together while watching TV, that's been hard and my sleep, this situation has given me some bad bouts of insomnia, just laying in an empty bed and that visual reminder alone sometimes makes me have to get up out of bed and try to find something to do to distract me.

What it simply boils down to, I'm devastated by the break up, my conscious is ravaged with personal guilt for helping case the break up, I'm having a hard time couping with it, I'm talking this out with friends that I trust, but even trying to talk this out at the end of the days doesn't really help. Plus my minds playing tricks on me, like telling me that if you improve she might come back, I know that isn't going to happen, but a part of me thinks so.

I just feel very alone, afraid, guilty, and am having a very hard time dealing with it all. For I still love this woman, I know that, but the pain of not being able to do anything about it hurts. And the biggest kicker about this, is some anger, that my ex-fiance didn't listen to the advice of to just wait and see if Aaron changes, it pains me that when times got tough, and she was about to hit the brick wall of our relationship, rather than deciding to hit the wall and see if we could punch through onto the other side, she decided to not hit the wall, she just took her ball and went home, that's fricking tough to deal with. That she wasn't even willing to give it a chance, to see what happens, she just quits and went home.

So I'm also dealing with the pains that the person in my life wasn't willing to give our love a chance.