Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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tailspin916 02/06/2015

So I've been going through a number of emotions, mostly between being really hurt and getting angry. I'm hurt because a person who promised to love me for the rest of my life and promised to be by my side until death do us part no longer wants to be married to me. Then I feel angry when I think about how she is ruining the family we built together the past 10 years and how she could be so selfish, not putting the man she promised to love and more importantly the children she promised to help provide a healthy and stable household as her priorities. I understand these are very normal emotions to go through, but for some reason, I feel MUCH better when I am angry about this f'd up situation. I'm not sure if it's my defense mechanism or what.

Am I the only one who would rather feel angry than hurt? Is feeling like this even healthy? Sorry to seem extremely immature, but I feel a very quick (about 10 seconds worth) of relief when I flip her off behind her back when she walks away. Then I'm sad again, wishing she would change her mind and want to save our marriage.

For those who don't know, she's still living with until she can afford to move out.

ESL12 02/06/2015

Wow.. your situation is exaclty mine to a T... Together 10 years, 2 kids 3 and 2, she asked for seperation 6 weeks ago and just says she wants to be independant... Destroying everything we have, our love, our home, our family for selfishness. I struggle with being sad daily, cry almost everynight.. I have the same moments of anger that do seem to boost me a bit... but i slip right back to being sad... I guess time will tell, but your not alone... I wish you luck..

tailspin916 02/06/2015

ESL, read my posts and my comments to your posts. I have said multiple times that your experience is extremely similar to mine and how trippy that is. I've been following your posts, since you're situation is just like mine and I try to follow the advice people give you.
So basically, those responding to you are killing 2 birds with 1 stone, as I feel they are responding to me as well.

ESL12 02/06/2015

ahh sorry, didn't notice the user ID... I see it now... very freaky... are you getting advice from therapist? or Marriage Counsler? Curious if its similar to mine?

gem111 02/06/2015

Someone also wrote on a post somewhere, that they refuse to let the other person who left them and hurt them so bad, rule anymore of their thoughts. This other poster said the very best revenge was to live a happy life and not wallow any longer in what the other person did to them.

Everybody is different, and if anger works for you and helps you to move on....go for it!!

tailspin916 02/06/2015

I went to a therapist, provided by my company. My wife did not and still does not want to go to therapy, alone and as a couple. She's pretty sure about ending it, no second thoughts. At least your wife was willing to go. So you have that going for you that I do not.

Good luck to you and I will keep reading your updates.

Tlr22 02/07/2015

I can relate. I wish I didnt have to feel either but I'll take being angry any day over feeling sad. I go back and forth. When I'm sad I cant get anything done and I isolate because I dont want anyone to see me like that. Then I think about him living his life probably not even thinking about me while i'm sitting paralyzed by sadness not doing anything to make myself or my situation better and let me tell you that snaps me out of it real quick most times! I think I get angry when I feel myself feeling like a victim.

murphytoronto 02/07/2015

anger has been my fuel through much of the first year....along with sadness and despair

Anger is empowering...I too flip the bird as she walks away

But my anger is just an eggshell covering my terrible pain and sadness
and confusion

Therapy helps

NewBegin2012 02/07/2015

Same situation as you. Yes. Get mad. It is healthy. But don't get mad in front of your ex. If getting mad feels good then don't stop yourself. I think the angry process is actually building yourself back up and allows you to gain more control and feel empowered. Because essentially, when a person gets mad it is the same mechanism that is used in the fighting process. Fighting can be both physical and verbal. I think we humans use fighting to get somewhere we need to go. And your anger is taking you somewhere. Just make sure you vent your anger properly in proper forums with understanding people. I wouldn't get mad in front of your ex because that won't do anything. But get mad for yourself in the process of getting yourself where you need to go. Obviously, that place you need to go is a better place than where you are now. Once you are in that place, you won't be angry anymore and may laugh about it someday.

onmymind2000 02/07/2015

I am not mad or sad yet. Just nothing.

tailspin916 02/07/2015

Thanks NewBegin2012. I would never get angry in front of my wife. Too much to lose if I did. Right now she's letting me keep the house, won't ask for spousal support and equal time with the kids when she moves out. My anger is more mental and there are times when I feel hatred towards her for the crap she's putting me and eventually the kids through. Although my angry feelings make me feel better, it is quickly overwhelmed by my feeling of extreme sadness. I wished I felt more numbed like Onmymind2000 does. I hate having any sorts of feelings now.

ali22 02/08/2015

It is totally normal to feel angry under the circumstance and I think most people do feel better when they let themselves feel that anger, because we should be angry about what has happened. I go back and forth between sadness and anger, and I definitely feel a lot healthier when I am mad. I don't argue with him or say anything negative in front of my kids. But when I'm thinking he is an idiot, I feel a lot happier than when I am sad and missing him. It's been a year for me (after 25 yrs) and sometimes I am mad for a whole month and those months are pretty good. Unfortunately, lately I have been sad instead of mad. I think it is the combination of the holidays and the anniversary of his moving out. I guess I thought I would be further along the path of getting over this by this time. I definitely welcome the anger when it comes and slowly but surely , I am making a new life for myself.

CHRISTOPHER310 02/08/2015

From personal experience, anger is the result of hurt unhealed. If you are feeling angry, its most likely because you are hurting and have not healthy addressed that hurt.

Anger is not a bad thing to feel or use. Anger is like most things in life, it has both a good aspect and bad aspect attached to it. The trick is to use your anger in a good way that will benefit you without hurting anyone else including yourself. For me, I have manage to do this by letting my anger fuel me ( motivate me ) to do more healthy things for myself even when I dont want to. So far, this has worked out great for me and no one has been hurt.

Can you use your anger to motivate yourself to address the unhealed hurt in a way to be resolved?

whatthe321 02/09/2015

Two thumbs up for anger! I've posted a few times about this. In my situation, it got to the point that I needed to be angry just to function and get through the day. I did not physically act out on it nor did I go into screaming rage fits. I used the anger internally. It motivated me to run more to get out that aggression. Two benefits, running is a great emotional release for me and I was getting healthier and stronger in the process. It helped me to stop looking at my cell phone for when I could be graced by a text message from here. For me, it is always easier to come down from anger than to come up from sadness. Embrace your anger. Anger is an energy.

tailspin916 02/10/2015

Tomorrow I will be attending my first session at Divorce Care (3rd session of the program). The facilitator sent out an email last night with tomorrow's topic..."Anger and how to deal with it." I want to be angry, as it feels much better than being sad.

murphytoronto 02/10/2015

I do not feel so consumed by anger now
I am sad, but think more of how I want my future to look now

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