Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My story starts in High School when I met and fell in love with who I thoug would be my other half forever. We got married at 18 and have 4 beautiful children together. She was always a social butterfly and I am and always have been a bit socially awkward, so she decided to be the one that worked while I was a stay at home father for our kids.
Our marriage wasn't perfect, we were both needy and a little overbearing at times. We would argue a lot and I was a little to stubborn to listen when she said we should go to counciling last year.
She has always been very loving and considers herself to be bi-sexual and because of that we brought another woman into our relationship for a little while about 6 months ago. It brought the passion out in my wife so when she said she wanted it to end I fought against that because I didn't want her to go back to being distant with me.
We ended it with the other woman and we were seeming to work through our problems. We were talking more and everything seemed like it was getting better. I was working on me and she seemed to like the changes I made.
Last week I went upstairs to help fold the laundry and she looked pretty upset, so I asked her what was wrong. She proceeds to tell me she wants a divorce and that she has been seeing another man behind my back. I was completely destroyed.
I feel so pathetic because I actually tried everything I could to make her change her mind. She cheats on me and I beg her to stay. I still love her with all that I am and I can't get the pain to stop.
On top of all of that I now have to find a job after a decade of being a stay at home dad, find day care for my children, 1 is a 2 year old the others are school aged, and figure out how to even be an adult that's not married. I'm so terrified I'm going to fail.
Due to some of the things she said when she told me she wanted this I feel like an unwanted disgusting piece of trash. So on top of all my fears of the now I'm so terrified that I lost the only person that would ever even be able to stand being with me.
I don't know why I decided to join this group and post this, I just felt I needed to get it all down. Sorry for the long post.
Our marriage wasn't perfect, we were both needy and a little overbearing at times. We would argue a lot and I was a little to stubborn to listen when she said we should go to counciling last year.
She has always been very loving and considers herself to be bi-sexual and because of that we brought another woman into our relationship for a little while about 6 months ago. It brought the passion out in my wife so when she said she wanted it to end I fought against that because I didn't want her to go back to being distant with me.
We ended it with the other woman and we were seeming to work through our problems. We were talking more and everything seemed like it was getting better. I was working on me and she seemed to like the changes I made.
Last week I went upstairs to help fold the laundry and she looked pretty upset, so I asked her what was wrong. She proceeds to tell me she wants a divorce and that she has been seeing another man behind my back. I was completely destroyed.
I feel so pathetic because I actually tried everything I could to make her change her mind. She cheats on me and I beg her to stay. I still love her with all that I am and I can't get the pain to stop.
On top of all of that I now have to find a job after a decade of being a stay at home dad, find day care for my children, 1 is a 2 year old the others are school aged, and figure out how to even be an adult that's not married. I'm so terrified I'm going to fail.
Due to some of the things she said when she told me she wanted this I feel like an unwanted disgusting piece of trash. So on top of all my fears of the now I'm so terrified that I lost the only person that would ever even be able to stand being with me.
I don't know why I decided to join this group and post this, I just felt I needed to get it all down. Sorry for the long post.
I agree with kbbcoop, this is all her. She decided to allow another in her world without letting you know. So now, she needs to throw all the blame on to you so she can not feel guilty about her cheating ass.
YOU need to know its NOT you!
I know it may not make you feel better and you are going to struggle to continue to move forward with all the positive changes you made for yourself, but the only way she wins and you lose is if you let her. You let her win by letting her words effect how you live. By stopping the changes you are making for yourself and mostly, but allowing her excuses, lies and hurtful words to mean something to you.
They should not mean anything to you. Those are the words or a lying cheater.
As for getting a job, I know there are laws now that aid in stay at home dads just like stay at home moms. Search out information, prepare yourself.
Welcome to the group
I believe that it takes two people to make it and to break it.
Just from what you wrote, it seems that you are a dedicated family man, but you don't value yourself enough.
Just because you may not be as outgoing as she is, you deserve the same love and respect as anyone else.
It is possible that over time, because of your insecurities, you let her get away with anything and everything and we can't do that, no matter how much we love someone.
Boundaries are important, because this is what allows us to be individuals in the relationship and not morph into a fluid mess of two.
She has zero excuses for lying and cheating.
You do not deserve that kind of treatment.
My ex h is also either gay or bisexual - I don't know and I don't care anymore, because when we entered into a contract of marriage, we said : " we are committed to each other ". If someone can't figure out what team they are on, I don't want anything to do with that person.
You guys have kids. This should be number one motivation to stay dedicated to each other.
I am so sorry that this happened. Be strong and remember that you ARE worth living and you deserve respect.
i agree that you would be well served to find yourself a lawyer. It is totally reasonable for you to seek spousal/child support. You need time to figure out how you're going to support yourself & get back on your feet. You have been at home, caring for the family, & you deserve that financial support.
The emotional part is hard. I'm finding there is no escape from going through the grief & mourning. Have you checked to see if there are support groups in your area? Having other people to share your experiences with, & to see you're not alone (read around DS, you will see your heartbreak being experienced by others in various forms unfortunately)
It's normal to be scared & to think you won't be able to make it, especially since you have had no time to prepare. Try to keep focusing on what is right before you at any given moment & work on that. Maybe get some help putting a resume together & see what is out there work wise. If you can afford to go at a reasonable pace (instead of rushing I mean), do that, because you have a lot to contend with & a bit of time before having to take on a new job might be good if you can afford it.
My marriage was very abusive ... about 90% verbally and emotionally and 10% physically. Still, I resisted the idea of divorce even though all of my friends begged me to leave him. I told myself that he really did love me and that despite the bad times, we had a lot of good times. Then I asked myself a question one day, if I won the lottery tonight and had all of my wants and needs taken care of for life, would I still see him as the only man for me? The answer was no, no way. I'd be packed and gone the next day. That's when I knew that I didn't love him. I only wanted to stay with him because he had made me so dependent on him and now I was afraid to leave. I'm still afraid sometimes to be honest, but he travels a lot in his business and when he's gone, even for two days, the atmosphere in our house is completely different. It's like a black cloud has lifted and we aren't afraid to come out from the shadows anymore. Sometimes when he's gone, I want to cancel everything I have going on those days so I can just sit home and soak up the peace and happiness. I keep telling myself that if being away from him for two days is that good, imagine how great YEARS away from him will be.
If she was the breadwinner, she will have to give you spousal support in most states. At least for a little while until you find a job. Is she ready to pay for daycare so you can find work? Or does she expect you to still watch the 2 year old? I would start looking for a job today anyway.To be a good father you have to take care of yourself too.
Sorry you're having to go thru this, but you will get thru it. Just take it 1 day at a time. Concentrate on your kids. Even though they may seem to be resilient, it's hard on them too.