Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been going through a divorce for over a year now after a 10 year marriage. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. During our marriage things were far from perfect, and my marriage was mostly based on bad times with some good moments in between. From early on in the marriage I found that my wife was talking negatively about me and never gave me the arm and fuzzy feeling I think one should have about a marriage. She was never affectionate towards me and even when I wanted to be intimate she just wanted "a quickie" or a "pump and dump". That was my marrige for 10 years. She filed for divorce a few days after our anniversary and I have since moved out of our house. There is not a day that goes by that I nearly dont cry myself to sleep, I have tried and tried to forget about her and think about the bad times instead of the good moments we had and I just get more upset about it. I am not sure what hurts more, the fact that she never showed emotions or the fact that when I have to interact with her that she doesnt even care that we are going throught this.. She doesn't show her emotions... I know I dont want to be with her anymore, but I am not sure why it hurts so much everyday....
I remember crying to the few friends I have about this issue... but I felt that they did not understand my depression. They would tell me to get over it already, to find someone else and move on. At times I felt like they felt bothered and some started to avoid me....
I kept all that pain to myself... I tried to buried deep inside... it took me a long time to get back on my feet. This was 4 years ago... and I still think about it... it does not hurt the same but it always brings a sad memory.
After a while, I found a girlfriend who patched a lot of this for a while....I was happy, or at least I thought I was... I wanted to be happy. Unfortunately, things did not work out with her either which drove me into a deep depression. I feel that I never healed completely from my divorce and this breakup simply revived old wounds on top of the new ones...
I am seeking help where I can now... I have scheduled therapies and taking some medication to help me overcome this.
My advice to you is seek help... seek the company of friends, family... you need to surround yourself with a team of people that can cheer you and help you keep moving forward... the pain will be there for a while... it will be less and less as time passes... but the it will only start to heal once you start loving yourself... once you see the value in you that she did not see.
Best of luck! Things will get better for you.
Now write down everything down good about yourself, and everything bad about your marriage.
Then spend time and write down your life goals, your ambitions. your hobbies, your likes, your dislikes.
Pray for thanks for all the things you are thankful for, then pray for others, then give everything out of your control to God, Then pray for guidance and patience so that you can love yourself as you deserve to be loved.
Focus on yourself and your healing and love and respect yourself for you and your values. Better the best version of yourself that you can be.
I pray that you are safe and healthy.
I am sorry for what happened to you and I can certainly understand your pain. As with you, I have talked to my friends about it and I get the same response "Just forget her and move on". They don't understand it and I am getting some of the avoidance as well when I need somebody to talk to the most. It is like a rollercoaster right now as some days I feel good and that things are finally getting better and other days I feel like a failure with nothing to lose if I am not here anymore.
One thing that I keep on hearing over and over again is that I need to love myself and appreciate my self for the healing to begin. I think that's the hard part because I feel like a failure as I heard it for 10+ years during my marriage. Divorce doesn't make it any better because she tries to find the worse in me to justify what she did.
Thank you for your comment. It means a lot and I hope that things also get better for you.
@MenphisWH Thank you for your advice. I talk to God everyday. I am religious man but never have I talked to God more than I talk to him now and ask for his guidance. Sometimes I think that this was a test or a punishment for something I did wrong in the past. I want to believe that better times will come and that all this will just become another life experience.
It's hard to love yourself when somebody has put you down for so long and I no longer believe in myself. It just hurts.
Thank you for your thoughts!..
Anyway, just 2 months ago she just left and moved across the country. Since that time, we have communicated by text but she has been nothing but nasty and insulting to me. She basically stuck me with her half of the mortgage, all the bills and a house full of junk that she bought over 20 years (craft supplies mostly) that I have to handle all on my own while trying to sell the house that I can no longer afford on my own as well.
Anyway, I have a therapist (BetterHelp.com), a life coach, some really good friends, and family that all have helped me get through this. I journal and meditate every single day, and that helps a LOT.
I have a lot of negative thought patterns and she knows just what buttons to push to put those negative thoughts in overdrive, and I have gone through periods where I wasn’t even sure I wanted to live any more.
Luckily my therapist and friends really helped me see what she was doing, and the negative thoughts I was having.
She’s been pretty awful to me, but in spite of that it still hurts, and I still miss the life I used to have. But I know in the long run this is good for me—- I just have to get through it.
I’m telling you all of this because it sounds like your ex wife is being just as nasty towards you and you have got to ignore that as much humanly possible. I ended up just blocking my wife’s number and email. We talk through our lawyers now anyway, and nothing she ever said was helpful in any way since she left.
I strongly recommend therapy if you can get it. Also you need to respond to any negative thoughts you have as if your best friend just said it about himself. What would you say to him? We are far more critical of ourselves than we are of our friends!
You are NOT a failure!! Failing at things is a part of life, and in any case divorce is just something we go through because we are HUMAN. I cannot stress that enough. But hearing it just from me isn’t enough. You need therapy and you need to write it down every single day!
You are strong, and you will come out of this even stronger.