you need to let him know that marriage (or the relationship you both have) is between you and him not with his father. of course he is part of big family and one should support one another during difficult period but that should only be temporary. your partner should also consider your thoughts on this (not just do whatever he wants) issue as the home belongs to both of you. if he wants to do whatever he wants, he won't be able to hold down any sort of relationship in future.
you should also let him and his father know that its unhealthy (physically/mentally) to stay home all day long and do nothing. If he doesn't want to help with chores, he should at least go out and pursuit hobbies/interest or make some friends to socialise for his own good. If your partner do truly care for him, he should encourage him to do so and to enjoy being more independent when he still physically can. healthy relationship is about consideration for one another and meeting each other in the middle if needs/wants are different. your partner should also understand that although he is your father in law, there is a big difference between someone whom you grow up with (your biological father) and someone the relationship automatically established because you married that someone's child. your partner should think about what it feels like if your biological father came into the picture whom your partner probably feel like a stranger with no emotional attachment like he has with his own father.

i 100% agree with you and thank you so much for commenting on my post. I feel more validated by you then i do my own husband! We are currently separated and going to counselling tonight so maybe i will be able to get through to him. I love my husband so much but i refuse to dread going home every night. Thank you again for your feedback.

When you talk about this issue with him, depending on how much attachment he has with his father, there is a possibility that common sense or rationality may not work. He may also twist your words and can lead to misunderstanding depending on his sensitivity to this issue.
Instead of saying something like “because of him….”, “he is causing problem” etc…. (blaming on him directly for something, talking negatively about him etc..), Express your desire of wanting to help and you both will always be there for him in healthy way by helping him stand on his own (not pushing away or kicking out) and help him live his own life. Express your intention to work together to find long term permanent solution for him.

I believe that in a lot of families, cooking for someone is a sign of love and respect. It does not surprise me at all that he takes his meals with the family and you and your husband probably bring him something when you eat out. That would be standard operating procedure in my family and no one would have a second thought about buying an elderly person food. It would just happen, no questions asked. Heck, I've stumbled over relatives bringing my own grandparents food and the poor man felt obligated to eat a little of everything. They used to live next door, before the good Lord took them.

Have you considered that the FIL might be experiencing loneliness and wants to spend his few remaining years with his son? Do you have any comprehension what it is like to lose your wife and want to hang onto the only family you have? He might be experiencing depression. Have you thought about getting him some help? He might also be picking up on the fact that you don't want him there and it's making him sad and he's closing off his emotions. It is sad to see something like that happen to an older person. Maybe he needs to spend some time with others his age.

Anyways, Just because he is at your house does not obligate him to care for your pets. He didn't sign up for that and might not even like animals. It's not fair for you hold that against him. You act like he's a regular roommate and should pick up his share or something. He's your husband's father. You know the one who raised him and took care of him his whole life.

You also sound judgy. Maybe taking an older person into your home requires more caring and compassion than you can manage as a human being. Are there other family members who could take him in? He deserves to be somewhere where he is wanted.

I would be so tickled if my hubbie's parents moved here from England and lived their remaining years with us. I would love making them breakfast, taking them out to shop and encouraging them to form friendships with other older people in our community. I'd buy them a golf cart and make sure they had a little dog for his mother make a fuss over. We'd listen to old show tunes and have fun. I'd make their last few years really nice. Bottom line: I can't empathize with one single word you wrote.

I wouldn't be surprised if your pissy attitude and complaining doesn't make your husband see you in a new light. You don't seem to be even trying to do right by his father. You could be his friend but since he's an old man with nothing you want, it's easy to throw him away. If only you husband would get on board with that plan the old guy wouldn't be around to ruin you marriage. By the way, you're not being clever about wanting a house with an in-law suite. That is just a way of making the gentleman disappear from your lives. There is no kind of pain worse than being isolated and alone during the final stage of your life.

I will say this much, this is part of what is wrong with America. Too many truly selfish people who can't find empathy in their hearts even for their own extended family. Reading your selfish post made me sick at my stomach. I could be so much harsher, but I'm not going to.