Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I have been trying to work on my relationship with my boyfriend for a few months since we broke up, He lied to me since then and I feel like I cant trust him. He somehow blames me for everything that goes wrong. It makes me feel so bad about myself. I am now feeling very depressed and hopeless and have even decided to go back on anti depressants that I haven't used for over 2 years. I love him and wish tings were different. I feel stuck. I cant find joy in anything right now
Stop making him or anyone else a priority when they make you the option!
Sadly, the only way past the pain is thru it. If you don't allow yourself to grieve, you won't ever heal. And then everything that happens that causes you sadness, pain, etc., just piles on top of the original hurt.
Grief mimics depression but is NOT the same. It is a process that we all go thru many times in our lives. If we stuff it, then the next loss will be even worse. And if we stuff/mask that loss, the next one will seem way out of proportion to the loss. This will continue to happen until we allow ourselves to honor, feel & express our feelings outward.
Grief isn't linear and each of us experiences it in our own unique way and our own time frame.
The other replies offer excellent advice. In addition to what the others have said, please get into therapy with a qualified counselor who understands the grief process.
~healing hugs~
As usual, I agree with MTC. She is spot on.
If you really think about how this boy makes you feel
" He somehow blames me for everything that goes wrong. It makes me feel so bad about myself. I am now feeling very depressed and hopeless"
He is robbing you of all the joy you could be having in your life. Please, please, do yourself a huge favor and go no contact with this person.
No matter how hard you try, you can't make someone else happy if they don't want to be. It took me 25 years to learn that.
I know your pain. As Rumi wrote, "The cure for the pain is in the pain."
It sucks. It feels awful. But we must go through it.
This may be healing for you. I hope it is:
DESPAIR by David Whyte
Despair takes us in when we have nowhere else to go; when we feel the heart cannot break anymore, when our world or our loved ones disappear, when we feel we cannot be loved or do not deserve to be loved, when our God disappoints, or when our body is carrying profound pain in a way that does not seem to go away.
Despair is a haven with its own temporary form of beauty and of self compassion, it is the invitation we accept when we want to remove ourselves from hurt. Despair, is a last protection. To disappear through despair, is to seek a temporary but necessary illusion, a place where we hope nothing can ever find us in the same way again.
Despair is a necessary and seasonal state of repair, a temporary healing absence, an internal physiological and psychological winter when our previous forms of participation in the world take a rest; it is a loss of horizon, it is the place we go when we do not want to be found in the same way anymore. We give up hope when certain particular wishes are no longer able to come true and despair is the time in which we both endure and heal, even when we have not yet found the new form of hope.
Despair is strangely, the last bastion of hope; the wish being, that if we cannot be found in the old way we cannot ever be touched or hurt in that way again. Despair is the sweet but illusory abstraction of leaving the body while still inhabiting it, so we can stop the body from feeling anymore. Despair is the place we go when we no longer want to make a home in the world and where we feel, with a beautifully cruel form of satisfaction, that we may never have deserved that home in the first place. Despair, strangely, has its own sense of achievement, and despair, even more strangely, needs despair to keep it alive.
Despair turns to depression and abstraction when we try to make it stay beyond its appointed season and start to shape our identity around its frozen disappointments. But despair can only stay beyond its appointed time through the forced artificiality of created distance, by abstracting ourselves from bodily feeling, by trapping ourselves in the disappointed mind, by convincing ourselves that the seasons have stopped and can never turn again, and perhaps, most simply and importantly, by refusing to let the body breathe by its self, fully and deeply. Despair is kept alive by freezing our sense of time and the rhythms of time; when we no longer feel imprisoned by time, and when the season is allowed to turn, despair cannot survive.
To keep despair alive we have to abstract and immobilize our bodies, our faculties of hearing, touch and smell, and keep the surrounding springtime of the world at a distance. Despair needs a certain tending, a reinforcing, and isolation, but the body left to itself will breathe, the ears will hear the first birdsong of morning or catch the leaves being touched by the wind in the trees, and the wind will blow away even the grayest cloud; will move even the most immovable season; the heart will continue to beat and the world, we realize, will never stop or go away.
The antidote to despair is not to be found in the brave attempt to cheer ourselves up with happy abstracts, but in paying a profound and courageous attention to the body and the breath, independent of our imprisoning thoughts and stories, even strangely, in paying attention to despair itself, and the way we hold it, and which we realize, was never ours to own and to hold in the first place. To see and experience despair fully in our body is to begin to see it as a necessary, seasonal visitation, and the first step in letting it have its own life, neither holding it nor moving it on before its time.
We take the first steps out of despair by taking on its full weight and coming fully to ground in our wish not to be here. We let our bodies and we let our world breathe again. In that place, strangely, despair cannot do anything but change into something else, into some other season, as it was meant to do, from the beginning. Despair is a difficult, beautiful necessary, a binding understanding between human beings caught in a fierce and difficult world where half of our experience is mediated by loss, but it is a season, a wave form passing through the body, not a prison surrounding us. A season left to itself will always move, however slowly, under its own patience, power and volition.
Refusing to despair about despair itself, we can let despair have its own natural life and take a first step onto the foundational ground of human compassion, the ability to see and understand and touch and even speak, the heartfelt grief of another.
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