First off big hugs to you I know exactly what you're going through my ex and I were together for 6 years 80% of the time he did not work and will consistently refused to clean up and pick up around the home and not clean up behind himself and leave the house a mess all the time on top of that he was rude when I have self-esteem issues about the way I look he told me that he did not sign up for this very selfish really never cared about me he walked away and did for me what I couldn't do for myself and he wants to come back but I know that he will not change and I cannot change him and that is what you have to know of course we all want to be with someone but wasting so much time years of your life to be with someone that really does not bring you happiness or care about your happiness at all is a waste of time that is so much easier said than done I wish you all the best and all the strength to be able to do that to set your mind and your soul free from all of the mental abuse that you've been through

It's natural to want to stick with what you are familiar with, even if it makes you unhappy. You have to think about your kids though too. What are they learning from seeing and experiencing this family life and your marriage?

You should speak to an attorney now just to find out what your rights are. If he's on disability and you're the main breadwinner, he COULD be entitled to maintenance from you. Also, resist the urge to hit him in the future because he could turn around and use it against you, especially if he wants custody of the kids. Don't think that just because he doesn't do anything around the house or take care of the kids that he wouldn't make a bid for them. Lots of guys like him try to get custody for several reason: 1) to hurt you; 2) so they don't have to pay child support; 3) so they can get child support from you.

I highly recommend you get Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". Bancroft has worked with abusers for over 20 years. This book opened my eyes to the truth of my stbx and my marriage. I think that after you read it, there will be no more urge to go back to him and your current way of life. I put a link to it below on Amazon where you can read reviews of it, but you can get it anywhere, even your public library. If they don't have it, ask them to get it for you via inter-library loan.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1476571020&sr=8-1&keywords=why+does+he+do+that

He's emotionally abusive, no doubt about it. Make a plan to leave. Is he on disability honestly - or is he milking the system? Should he be doing physical therapy, which he is not doing? Could he find a part time job or a job from home and he choses not to? Is he doing things he shouldn't (aside from being a pig)? If you're concerned about custody, make a list of the things he does which would cause a judge second thoughts about awarding him custody. Is he being fiscally irresponsible? Start keeping receipts or a log of some sort showing this. Is he able to run errands but refuses?

I keep a log of what happens every day (journal) and in it I list my husband's TV time. Most weekends it's 12 hours per day, most week nights (he works) it's 5 or 6. We have an unfinished house we were supposed to be living in 3 years ago, which costs us $1000+ every month to insure and pay taxes on, yet he can watch every episode of Law and Order on TV and every sports game plus post game commentary? I'd like to think my log will come in handy soon, to show the judge that him being the "general contractor" for this house has been financially detremental to us.

I hate to say but it doesn't sound like things will ever get better between you two, since he doesn't want to talk about your feelings. Start protecting yourself and start taking those steps to ensure a safe and financially secure departure.

Thank you for the candid advise, I appreciate the feedback. I didn't look at my situations from some of the perspective mention. I will certainly look into the book (Samantha717).

Regarding disability, I believe he can certainly do more, but choose not to because it's easier for him to continue to be irresponsible and not be accountable. I watched this man manipulate and use people to his advantage for eight years, after his breakdown with bipolar and depression. I'm heartbroken. I didn't want to believe or accept my life was reducing to this. It's draining and exhausting being in relationship with someone who expect you to carry the relationship all the time. I had long term goals and dreams to achieve, and to believe I married someone whose selfish and self centered regarding the way he feels only, is soul crushing. He's fighting inner demons, for sure. He basically lay around all day, eat, smoke cigarettes immensely, watch television, and pick/drop people off for a side hustle. He use the fact that he drive cabs illegally on the side, as a excuse to stay out inappropriate times of day and night but the income is not accounted for in the household. Only for his personal needs.

We have separate accounts. We don't compromise or plan anything together. He pay the rent. I pay the light, gas, phone, cable, car insurance, life insurance, food, house supplies, kids school fees, clothes, shoes, family outings, etc. It's plenty of times my monthly budget goes over the amount he pays for rent, which is $1025, and he doesn't help out. However, he can afford a cigarette habit that cost him about $200 monthly and he eat restaurant food daily. When he thought he would lose his disability. He got a security job while collecting his disability check. I sat back and literally watched this man earn $12,500 last year, in addition to drive cabs on the side, and have several hundreds remaining from his disability check after he paid rent. He didn't bring any of the money in the house for a rainy day or nothing. I didn't argue with him or even mention my discontent with his behaviors because he constantly calls me toxic, controlling, and if it's not my way; it's no way. Honestly, I'm overwhelmed and exhausted talking and arguing about a dead end situation. This is not my definition of a healthy marriage.

Lesson I certainly learned. Never trust or believe what someone tell you. Always study there actions and behaviors. People show you who there are, believe them.

My prayer today is getting over this relationship and believing within myself that I can make it with my kids, without him, and I will have a happy, peaceful, prosperous, lovable life after this dysfunctional, co dependent, toxic, egotistical, mental/emotional abusive marriage. It's difficult, but I'm taking step by step and day by day reminding myself not to go back. I deserve better and I need to love myself now. Enough of the pain, disappointments, and hurt.

It's such a privilege to have this support group to relate to others and receive encouragement and positive feedback. Thank you

This is hard. I tried reaching out to a counselor to help with the process. I pray I remain strong to stand on my own two feet and don't allow this man to win again, knowing he's abusive to me