Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Almost 25 years together and almost 15 years married. I can't say happily because I am guessing it was 17-18 years since I have been happy. In the beginning he paid attention and made me feel I mattered. He was a drinker and I realized he had a problem probably 20 years ago. So many times over the years he said he was going to quit etc. never did so that ended up with me being suspicious and not able to trust what he said. He had a DUI about 8 years ago. Everything that's wrong in his life is my fault including his over drinking. Blames me he was convicted because I recommended a girl I went to school with as a lawyer so he believes I worked with her to get him convicted. He blames me for stuff that are so crazy like I have his phone tapped and that his ex wife committed suicide and I somehow have something to do with it.
I have told him to leave if he is so unhappy. We live in my mom's basement which is my house when she passes away. He moved here after my dad passed away to keep an eye out for my mom. It's a beautiful piece of property with 2 large garages etc. for him to use as he chooses. All he does is complain. He constantly complaining that it is $700 rent and can't get through his head that it's only fair we pay a portion of utilities etc. He is pissed that my mom had borrowed money to help my sister get a house and says he is stuck with paying for it and he is not comfortable here. I have told him to go if he can't get over it but he does nothing just stays here being miserable. Finally today I thought no way is he going to do anything so I told him I am moving on Monday so he is here on his own. He asked me if I was going upstairs with my mom and I said to him that isn't his concern. Then he starts in saying I am just doing whatever my sister says. I haven't spoken to my sister about any of this or my mother but when he gets something in his head there's no reasoning with him. I intend to go upstairs with my mom but I don't know what else to do with him. He is impossible to make happy. I bought $50 worth of steak for valentines weekend but not good enough he went out this morning and bought pork chops. I love him but he is so paranoid and head strong I can't put up with it anymore. I am sick of being blamed for everything in his life. To him everything that he doesn't have in life is my fault. The fact he has spent God knows how much in booze and cigarettes is never addressed. If I am so terrible why he sticks around it beyond me.
You can not make him change or make him act differently but you can change how you react and think. We can learn not to react but to observe and listen and step out of the mix. To see that them blaming us is really their dysfunctional stuff, or the alcohol in his brain. It is not about you as you. He makes it about you as a way to deflect his own shortcomings and failures. If you can start to understand this dance, you can no longer engage. He sticks around because he needs you - he is weak and afraid he doesn't measure up. He blames you because it is much easier than blaming himself, he is afraid of his own failures and shortcomings. Called deflection. If you can see that this is totally about his own inner demons and failures and personality issues. Then you can learn to engage in ways that support your own emotional wellness. Al Anon says we family members get as dysfunctional in our thinking as the alcoholic and I certainly did not understand that at the time.
What you can do is get support from Al Anon and begin to understand the disease of addiction. You can go online and read their pamphlets, I especially found this one helpful "So You Love An Alcoholic." Strengthen yourself to decide what kind of life you want to live.
Some couples, especially some men, go into competition with their wives. So the steak and the pork chops is a competition thing. It is also a control thing, maybe even a control thing on both parts. You want affirmation or validation for creating a nice dinner and then he goes and defeats that by buying his own pork chops. It becomes a round of who will win. I feed into my husband's competition minded stuff (low self esteem is what feeds that, having to be right or in control to feel good about oneself). I am working on reminding myself and husband that we are in competition mode and then I change how I am reacting. We can only change ourselves.
The problem you have also is your husband's brain is probably damaged by years of alcohol and cigarette use/abuse. You are not dealing with someone capable of doing better at this time. You can start to not enable him and detach with love but I needed Al Anon to teach me how to do that.
I wish you the best and hope you begin to focus on your own healing and emotional wellness instead of focusing totally on him and his faults. You can't do anything else with him or force him to change. We can only change how we think and react and act. We can only control ourselves.