I'm not sure what is happening with us. When I try and communicate with her it is taken the wrong way and everything said is diagnosed and picked over. When I go non contact then she says I am damaging our relationship that we need to establish for the sake of our daughter. I don't want to be fake and I also don't want to continue to hear all the negative things she says. With children involved it just is so complicated. I wish you the best. You have been so kind towards him, I think he is very fortunate.

Ugh, if he cheated then forget him. My ex just tried sending me a stupid text a while ago that had nothing to do with our daughter and I ignored it and deleted. I dont care one rats ass if her feelings are hurt. She cheated, she left, BYE. She doesnt get the friendship part of me. Its all or nothing.

The word "cold" seems to be a favorite of alcoholics. You try to create a healthy boundary, and he responds by calling you "cold". Pay no attention. My STBX has called me that many times, and other wives of alcoholics here on DS have been called the same thing. It's just another way they blame-shift their problems onto you. I think you are correct to only contact him regarding your daughter. I think "needing someone to talk to" could possibly mean "needing someone to feel sorry for me" so he won't have to take responsibility for his own situation. If you maintain that boundary that you only communicate with him regarding your daughter, he'll either have to be responsible for himself or find someone else to take care of him.

He's just dejected because you finally insisted on a boundary. Sad for him...He didn't appreciate a good woman when he had her.It's a saga of their woes, lies, drama and manipulation. We got out of it because it was toxic...not so we have to keep dealing with it after a divorce. He will have to find a new shoulder to cry on..He wore yours out.

Really? And what your Ex thinks about your outlook matters why?
Let me make sure I follow, he cheated, lie and disrespected you so you walked away from the madness (GOOD for you!) - he needs to vent? tell him to talk to a shrink. And you remind him that you need boundaries so he stops talking to you? - that sounds excellent to me and that should be what you want.

Being cordial with an ex doesn't mean we stay in touch with them or we become their buddy-buddy, only means that when WE MUST interact with them - we are cordial and respectful just like we would be with any other human.

yeah, he disrespected you by crossing normal marital boundaries (lying and cheating), what does he expect? Was he there for you, when you were hurting/ dealing with this stuff? Don't know if this was the case with your ex, but typical cheater behavior is to blame shift/ crazy making. At first they deny they did anything (lie, lie, lie), that you're imagining it, too sensitive or whatever, then later when backed into a corner, can no longer deny it, they blame it on you (you made them cheat). Blegh.

FWIW, I've remained friends with exes in the past, sometimes it's worked ok. One ex I remained friends with for three years, and he gave me great advice (and I believe I did the same for him), there was no funny business going on-flirting/ touching/ sex/ etc...

Other exes, meh, usually the support was one-side, met with a lot of flakiness. I supported them, and they supported me, when convenient, or wanted something-like sex (or in the case of my ex-h, money, sometimes sex).

Good for you, for keeping it civil (for the kids sake), and not getting sucked into the drama. My ex-h (whom I have three kids with, split custody), our divorce was pretty civil, and remained civil for maybe a year, until he remarried (and our kids started having significant issues, and later he divorce her). Eventually we did a post-divorce modification (which got kind of messy). Today, I only contact my ex-h, about kid matter, so much easier. When we do kid swap, we just pull up in each other driveways, ring the doorbell.

I think you're doing the right thing, not getting entangled in his issues (no win situation getting involved, he may turn it around on you).

Thought I should clarify the below comment...

"When we do kid swap, we just pull up in each other driveways, ring the doorbell."

When we ring the doorbell, we get back in our cars, and kids come out, do not communicate with each other. The only time I've seen my ex-h, the past, hm, two three years (we've been divorce 4 years), is for our kids IEP meetings at school (we have two special needs kids), the IEP meetings typically once a year.

Parent teacher conferences, we do separate (schedule separate times), thankfully our kids teachers/ school is flexible about that. Legally they don't have to agree to separate parent teacher conferences, but they do (since they are familiar with our situation), and it is in their best interest to avoid drama lol. My ex-h has a history of being an A$$ (to me and the teacher), and usually doesn't show up anyway...

Thank you all for your comments. I agree with all of you! It has definitely helped me see the situation with more clarity. I actually did get a chance to talk to him Saturday night about our daughter's schedule and we ended up talking more about the issues we had in our relationship and issues we have now. I went ahead and just let him get some things off his chest that he was dealing with, but I didn't comfort him, I just let him vent. I explained why I set the boundaries and he seemed to understand and respect my decision. I have to say that I was proud of how I stayed strong and stood my ground. In the past I would have felt sad for days, but I didn't feel sad, I felt strong and at peace. This was very encouraging for me because to me that's a sign that I'm moving on and it's no longer hurting as much anymore.

Love this thread. So helpful for me right now. Good advice by all. Thanks..

Wow felifel,
You said "So my I left my ex over a year ago for cheating, lies, disrespect, etc

Doesn't seem like he ever cared about your feelings when you were married, and he is an EX for a reason. If I were you, I would care about MY feelings now, as I don't believe he has any. He is trying to push his way back in and If it were me, I would stay far, far away with NO CONTACT except for your daughter. He doesn't deserve you to be nice to him!!!!
If he starts telling you are cold---don't fall for it.
I can get along with anyone, but once they start pushing, I back away.
Take care, and good luck

feliefl-

I agree with everyone else. I honestly believe that all cheaters want to stay friends with their exes because it tells the rest of the world "See, what I did wasn't so bad because if it was, then he/she wouldn't be friends with me.

All this Hollywood crap about "consciously uncoupling" is just that:-CRAP with a capital CRAP!! You need to be civil with him for the sake of the kids but there is where your obligation ends. You don't need to be his friend or help him through any crisis. He lost that privilege when he lied and cheated on you.

No contact is absolutely essential for proper healing. If that's your boundary, make him respect it!

Sending Jedi hugs!
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