Sorry I haven't posted in a bit, I've been really depressed and haven't felt up to it. My mind keeps repeating the events that I've been subjected to for a long time. I don't feel up for a long drawn out post, so I am going to highlight only the big items in bullet form.

• When I found out he cheated on me in 2016 he blamed me for his behavior and belittled me sexually by telling me how the other woman did this and that better.

• Blamed me for breaking up with him after said incident.

• Wouldn't let me break up with him at times in 2018. But would break up with me and blame me.

• Would threaten me financially if I tried to leave him.

• But yet wouldn't see me, spend time with me, etc. Would cancel dates at last minute and wouldn't show up to meals I cooked for him. 

• The 4 times I gave him deadlines to move in ge would act super proactive. But would then back out, which he blamed my mental illness.

• When I found out he had a child with another woman while we were on an off period in 2018. He told me he did it because he heard I was fucking half the town and he slept with my friend because he was mad at me. (I didn't sleep with anyone, ive only ever had sex with 1 person). He then again blamed me, saying I called him names and made him feel bad. He said slept with her to make himself feel better. 

.Continued to talk to other women behind my back.  

. Would monitor my spending habits. 

. Would belittle my mental health.  

.Belittled my weight (I've gained 40lbs through all of this). 

. Made me feel crazy,  when I knew I wasn't.  

I'm sorry everyone,  I know I sound like a damn drone. I have a wonderful support system, but because all of this keeps playing in my head I don't want to wear them down with my shit anymore than i already do. Honestly,  I'm struggling i feel so depressed. But another side of me feels free. I can't believe I put up with any of this crap,  I deserve so much better. I wonder tho,  is what I went thru abuse or at the very least a psychological mind fuck?

Thanks for reading.