It sounds like you have a communication breakdown. Try your best to repair that. You may feel that she doesn't care, but she may have something bothering her that she doesn't know how to communicate. A lack of communication, and understanding will erode a relationship quickly, Make sure she feels comfortable enough to tell you anything. Think very long about how open you make yourself. If she is gets the wrong reaction, she'll avoid talking about things.

Some cultures aren't as demonstrative as others where affection is concerned, but if this is something that only became apparent AFTER you married, then it definitely smacks of manipulation to me. What are you getting out of this marriage?

My stbx and I fought over his lack of affection toward me for many years. I cried, begged and pleaded, but to no avail. Eventually, I gave up and let my heart grow cold toward him. In my opinion, if someone loves you and they know something means a lot to you, they make an effort, even a small effort. When you are in a marriage, there is a lot of give and take. Did he think I liked listening to him tell the same story over and over again about how he nailed this negotiation or implemented a new strategy at work? No, but I listened attentively and told him how proud I was of him every time. It's the effort and when someone is unwilling to make even the smallest effort, that speaks volumes in my book.

I have been married to a man who for 23 years was all take and very little give. I've had him tell me on two of my birthdays that my gift from him was that he paid the mortgage that month so I could have a roof over my head. When we lost our first baby years ago, he told me to handle my grief myself. When my brother died suddenly, I begged him to go with me to his memorial service, but he refused. When you have someone who can't be there for you or make an effort in your every day life, what can you expect from them during the rough patches? Nothing, zero.

I know you are hurting now, but my advice is to let her go. You deserve way better.

How do you "date" someone for a couple of years while you're both married?

LamarWilson, that's very insightful in that I've suspected that for some time. If it is cultural or a lack of communicative ability (or both) we need to explore it soon.
We haven't spoken for 4 days now, worse than roommates, because at least roommates exchange pleasantries. Unexpectedly last night, she climbed into bed, looked over, and asked how I was doing. I played it off and said "just peachy" and you? She said "I'm fine" and so I replied "good". In retrospect this sounds adolescent, but I'm done showing her my true feelings of hurt and loneliness. Was that her twisted way of trying to reconnect? Maybe she's hoping for a smoother environment until the lease is up next March and she can finally leave me.

In response to your question, Itwist, what I intended to mean was despite being formally married, that's when we began to truly discover one another's traits. If she would have behaved this way before we married, I probably wouldn't have commited to this relationship and sacrificed so much.

Samantha, there's just a bit left in my heart telling me the root of the issue is misunderstanding, and perhaps learning to accept differing cultural interpretations of affection. I'm going to schedule couples counseling soon, I hope she still is willing to try.

It sounds like a cultural thing. Many European, Asian and Middle Eastern cultures are MUCH different that American culture regarding relationships, etc.

Have you ever come out and asked her about the citizenship thing? If this was her reason for marriage?

I'm not trying to be hurtful, but if that had ANY part in her choosing a relationship with you, counseling is pointless.

Hi, ClearDay1. Yes, I have asked her that question. She categorically denies the citizenship being the reason. I'm inclined to believe her, since we were madly in love. You may be right about the cultural thing, I never came across someone so independent, and don't know how to react to that. Maybe my inability to understand her has created this increasing distance between us. I'm willing to let counseling unearth these differences and find ways to learn to navigate alongside one another in harmony. Hopefully she still wants to try.

It sounds like she used you, at least that was my first thought.

If counseling doesn't help move on. You sound like a very intelligent man and in matters of the heart sometimes logic is what you need to focus on.

I am going through a very difficult marriage myself. 15 yrs.

Hi akacountrygrl,

Thanks for your reply. It saddens me to hear that you're experiencing similar trials. Sometimes logic doesn't apply as well to emotional matters. Subtext and context may prove more insightful to get to the crux of the issue(s). What kind of problems are you having?