You aren't needy because you need companionship and affection. I felt the same way in my marriage too, There is nothing wrong with needing affection. Humans die without it. I think there is something wrong though with people who don't need it, like my stbx. I know the prospect of divorce is very painful, even if your spouse is neglectful and cold. I recognize the ambivalence you speak of ... you don't want the marriage you have but you don't want to let go either. Have you considered therapy to help you through it? I am in therapy now and it's very helpful.

If you don't mind me asking... What are your hobbies and what do you do for yourself that doesn't involves her?
Sometimes and I have fallen into this category we need in unhealthy ways. Needing companionship and affection is human as Samantha says... But needing to be filled because there is an emptiness in you that needs to be filled by others is unhealthy and someone who is stronger willed and complete on their own despises this.
I read to my daughter a story by Shel Silverstein titled The Missing Piece meets the Big O.
It teaches that for two people to have a complete relationship they are not filling missing pieces in the their significant other. They are rolling together and being happy with each other without needing or taking too much from them.
I would suggest to try to do more things that build up your self esteem and individuality. Let her live her life and you live yours at some times and enjoy the other times together. It will help you to miss each other, long for each other and have more to talk about when you are out for a romantic dinner or just spending time at home.
EVERYONE'S life needs to be balanced. Imagine a pie chart and all the pieces in your life hold the same amount to make it as balanced as possible. Work, relationship, friends, family, exercise, alone time, etc.... Kind of impossible because kids take up most of our time and work is important.... but it is something to aim for.

Just my two cents

LonelyWolf makes a couple of good points. There is nothing wrong with needing affection, but you are with a person (as am I) who is either incapable, unwilling or both to give you affection and intimacy. It's kind of like going to Wal-Mart to buy a Lamborghini and then getting upset because they don't have them.

Also, I agree with LonelyWolf about finding a hobby. For years, I spent probably thousands of hours on the Internet trying to figure out what was wrong with my husband. Was he a sociopath, a psychopath, bipolar, borderline? Was he abusive because he had a lot of concussions or was an alcoholic? Finally, my therapist said to me, "It's quite likely that there is something wrong with him, but you'll probably never get a concrete answer and regardless of that, does something even have to be wrong with him for his treatment of you to be wrong?" Really made me think. So she told me to stop trying to figure him out and start focusing on myself. It's not easy. I still look things up on the Internet, but I'm tapering down.

Last summer, my brother died very suddenly. He and I were quite close. He was an artist and a musician. At his memorial service, my mom recalled that he and I used to spend hours drawing together as kids. I had forgotten all about that! So even though I haven't touched a paintbrush or pencil in decades, I bought a sketchbook and some oil pastels and made it a goal to draw every night. This is how I choose to honor his memory. Since then, I am getting better and better and am starting to have the confidence in myself to show people my artwork. It's very therapeutic for me too. I love getting lost in a piece that I'm working on! So think about trying new things. You don't have to stick with anything you don't like.

I don't mean to be indelicate Virtualangst, but I would like to share that my sister-in-law married a guy to save him from deportation. It was all intentional and agreed upon by them. He was in the US temporarily but then his time came to go back home. They were BFFs. He's gay, pretty certain of this, but she married him so he could stay, they divorced after 3 years or so. They tried playing it up that they were a couple, but it never rang true to me. My H and his family all ignored it. Could this be why she married you? Why she's not into the marriage anymore, like you said, that she's gotten everything from it that she needed?

Could it be a cultural thing, that women are to be adored and pampered by husbands? IDK about Romanian culture.

I can say that one-sided marriages are the pits, and that you don't deserve to be treated this way. Another poster on another topic said that couples should strive to better themselves, each other, and by extension, those around them. You shouldn't settle for less than this.

Good luck.

Cultural difference can be a huge barrier in communication. I struggle with that at work some times. The way those in other countries handle business, communication, or the words used can make working on a project together tough. I, or they, can take what another says totally wrong which could not only lead to misunderstanding of what is needed but it could be potentially offensive.

I find that in America, we are treated with more kit gloves. Other cultures do not have the same "care" or concern, or maybe empathy is a better word, towards feelings or issues as we do. So what we may feel needs more attention, they feel they have given enough.

In your case, because of the deportation issue, I tend to wonder the whole logic behind the marriage. I do not know, nor do I need to know the details or the agreement between you two, BUT, I do know of a few couples who got married to avoid deportation or so the one of them can become a U.S. Citizen. One of those couples has had the police called to their unit three times in the last 2 months. While there were agreements that seemed more legal then of a personal nature, (meaning they loved the person), personal feelings did get involved for one or the other causing the original intention to get muddy.

Again, I don't know your specific case, but for her, it may be she just needs you, (or anyone), to get her citizenship. It certainly can be a difference in culture and I could be wrong. But that would be something that would have been standard in the relationship from the beginning. To have her pull away now, and them call you names cus you are looking for human care and touch that appears to not be there anymore, then you have to take a step back and look at things from another view. That the marriage or her actions were just to get her citizenship and once that is done, you will no longer be needed.

Sure, it could be what others said and they have a good point. That you need to make sure you have your own hobbies, friends, and do things that may include her, but that are of your own interest. So make sure you are tending to your own personal needs outside of the relationship. But again, dont attribute any more blame to what you are doing than you already have. It could certainly be her, her thoughts, her feelings or her intentions that are driving what is going on in the relationship. Which, by what you have written in summary, sounds like she is running things and you are just trying to not step on the egg shells. Thats no way to live my friend. Especially when you are working to give someone a better life at the expense of yours. Not ideal.

Sorry to be so blunt, but when a relationship or marriage starts out because of a legal aspect and not for love, you have to continue to somehow keep the legal aspect in the forefront regardless of what may have changed on your side in the feelings department. Just speaking from what I have seen. I really hope that is not the case here. But you have to know, in the back of your mind, that this is a possibility. And if it is, then you have to protect yourself and think about the kind of marriage and life you want. This may not be what you actually signed up for.

Welcome to the group

Thanks Samantha for your reply. (Still figuring out how this site works). I feel counseling for both of us is the last ditch effort to save what we had. I will offer it to her once I have a date for the session. We are currently not talking to one another, it feels like we're even worse than roommates.

Thank you LonelyWolf! That does make sense, I guess I've been used to being with a special someone in previous relationships most of the time, and it worked for both of us.

CityTownBear, thanks for your perceptive comments. I don't think her motivation was driven by her impending legal status, although you could make a strong correlation of a case. I think we are culturally different people who were raised very differently. As I mentioned earlier, I think the last option at this point is counseling. If she still agrees to participate then we may have a shot at salvaging this.

I'm just tired of always being the one trying to save this.