Samuel,

Changing your own long time behaviors for
the long Haul takes time and plenty of practice.
My ex Needed help for all his issues too.

He does attend AA now a litttle too late for us.
There is still hope for him if he addresses his
True problems and gets humble and honest.

You will be much better off with focusing on
Yourself and letting go of the outcome. You
Can not fix or control anyone but yourself.
HUGS

I'm not a woman but I'd imagine the same way anyone else does. At an individual level we're all snowflakes (and not in the modern neo-nazi sense thats been getting around the internet, in the sense that were all similar but unique). I think it is odd to view women has fundimentally different types of people, emotionally or otherwise. All humans fall within a emotional spectrum and I don't believe having ovaries verses testes changes the way people react to recovering from varying levels of emotional trauma. Putting people into generalized categories is dangerous thinking and overly simplistic. How you should have worded your post is "Hey ladies, I wondering how you have dealt with your own dilemmas as I'm trying to gain some female perspctive and try to apply that to my own situation." Perhaps that's what you meant. Ill give you the benefit of doubt.

I have no idea! Hopefully my journey will teach me....

Samuel i am not slurring you, you need to focus
On yourself. I tried to fix my ex and my marriage
Until i was close to insanity. He did not want my
Help.

Its not my job to fix or control him and his problems,
I had my own to cope with my own feelings, Emotions
and my problems.

Your marriage will make it or it won't. Think coparenting
As the gem in the middle of your getting healthy for you
And for your children sake. HUGS

Well yes. Im teally not trying to fix her one bit. I admitt that i am there for her i told her ill help her in anyway she want me to. Which is ver true. I have been fixing my self. I have been going to ic and ive been reading alot of books looking back on my bast behavouirs and seeing how i can approach it diffrently and affectively. Which ive been doing just in everyday life as well. I made alot of changes i think..

So i dont drink i dont do drugs nothing major just all minor things that have built up over the years.. so with hope faith we can work this out arfter time apart and healing.

If my ex was willing we should have lived
Separate and each worked on ourselves.
Then When both of us were emotionally
healthy Enough Work on our relationship.

My ex has been dry for 30 years, he still had
Massive other work to do that he had pushed
down. Stopping drinking is only one part of the
Long Process of recovery.

We both needed recovery work, i still pray for
Him and i don't wish anything bad for him even
Though i would still would like to get my hands
On him :) No contact has helped me heal along
With all my other support groups and therapy.
HUGS

Well that where the issues lies i guess is the reconecting or not. We can talk on the phone for 2 hours about all that has happened and i take respknbility for my part as well as she does. She tell me there still alot she likes about me ima good cacth. She tells me she starting to belive in me again.

Which is all great but at the same time i atill feel her walls up and she is def on guard looking fkr a slight mess up of my old ways she may see every now and agin but she wont see them all the time like she did.
So is this her way of reconecting with me testing the water and healing at the same time idk im confused about it she says we bith need time to heal and not jump back in cuz it back fires all the time.

Personally, i would back off trying to reconnect
With her. That would show your maturity stop trying
To force solutions.

It would have chased me away if i was trying To heal,
deal and cope with my own feelings and emotions.
I hope she is in therapy too.

Many times as sad as it is once the marriage is broken
It can not Be fixed. What would be my gain to get back
with My ex.

Some try it again and every once in awhile it Works if
both care enough and both are 100% in and Willing to
do all the hard work.

You are lucky no infidelity, thats a hard mountain
To climb up and over. The other stuff can be just as
Daunting too.

My ex always had control and anger issues and He
started Showing his emotional immaturity, selfishness
and self centeredness when life did not go to his liking.

Those are very deeply rooted issues that take time, self
Awareness and true honesty to work on and thru with
Help from therapist and support groups. HUGS

I can't speak for all women as our pain is different but has some what the same effect . I think for me it is processing the pain is reality of it and the situation, the past can no be changed but the future can which for me I am and may always be in protective mode so that I do not experience that kind of pain again its like a shield or a wall that I put up . The wall may always be there or be broken down in time and the pain is starting to go away . I look to the future while living in the present and not the past . Btw great post.