Guess this is where all the lost souls gather to share their pain. Most of us don’t have family or friends...maybe some do, but who wants to hear us fall apart? I am just tired. He was the only one I wanted, but I was not so easy to love. We met young, but my mind was already broken. At 18 I was homeless and running from an abusive home. I was lost. Had never been loved or cared for. I was spiraling out of control and had no love for myself. Then I met him. He was everything everybody else was not. He was kind and gentle. He desperately loved me and you know what I did? I pushed him away. Felt unworthy of his love. Didn’t understand love myself. Basically for most our relationship he was dragging me through life. We have had some beautiful time, he is truly my best friend and we spent all our time together. I tried to be what he needed, but I always fell short. I have severe depression/anxiety/self esteem issues/feelings of no value or worth. My whole life has felt like a blur of drowning. No excuses, I am 34 now and have done a lot of growing. It was just so painful all around. 10 months ago he said he no longer wanted to be with me. We still live together. During that time we sort of rekindled our love. We started to see eachother again and I was working real hard to prove my love and he was showing signs of loving me again. Telling me how much he loves me. He started to wear his wedding ring again. For the first time, I felt like I could enjoy being me and had started to work on a lot of personal stuff. I felt growth and like a new person. I felt things were going in the right direction. 

Well he left his phone in the bathroom open and instagram up. I thought about it and told myself no, trust him...don’t look. And then I said, just to see if he is really changing. In his DM he has had a relationship with a women he used to date in high school that he never told me about. He wrote her how much he loved her and how he wished their lives could of ended up together. The most of it was months ago. Like in july. But he has written her every month no response from her. Just on nov.3 he wrote her how he missed her and how important she is. We have been together for about two months now. I confronted him and he downplayed it and said he was looking for love in the wrong places. That he should of been more forthcoming and he is sorry. But I am broken. I asked him if there was anyone else and he had said no. Now he tells me he doesn’t know if he doesn’t want to be with. He says he doesn’t love her and he was being irrational. 

He has been my everything and the only person I thought I could trust. The only person to ever love me. I am broken. The world feels unreal and I have lost my tether.