People who have to dump others hurt the same if not more. Most people enter relationships hoping to get something out of it, whateve it may be, letting go of these hopes hurts even if the person found someone new and moved on. They too have their own part to deal with. Some folks don't get to be dumpees because they choose to stay w/people way past the expiration date but not because they are happy. Holding on to someone or a relationship can be often times a waste of time - I actually think the person who has the courage to walk away is the wiser one - the reasons why they want to walk away don't matter - they just simply no longer want to be w/the person or part of the relationship - our part is to let them go. Our lives and identities aren't attached to other people. Most things in live are temporary - let the things lived just be a lesson or growth - Rather than worrying about how the other party feels - I would worry about my own healing. Life is too short. : )

I couldn't have said it any better than milliejay! I took my vows seriously and stayed way past the time to leave. So not only did I have to grieve all the losses that went with divorce, but also had to deal w/the guilt of what I perceived to be my 'failure' the make the marriage work AND for breaking my vows. Now I realize that he broke the vows first and nothing I did or could do or didn't do caused his behavior.

Unfortunately, leaving or staying isn't all that cut and dried. I finally chose to leave because I realized the ship was sinking and I couldn't see any good reason that both of us should drown, so I saved myself after trying to save him (and he refused). Six months after I left, he asked me to come back. I asked him what he was doing different and he just stared at me. It was then that I realized that I had spent almost four decades living the definition of insanity (doing the same thing the same way over and over and expecting different results).

The other thing I learned is not only are there at least two sides to the same story, but there is also different degrees of truth. There's side one's version and side two's version and somewhere in the middle lies the actual truth. No one is perfect, which means we each contributed to the demise of the marriage regardless of who did the leaving.

I guess technically I was the dumper but it was only because he never wouldve had the courage to make that move the right way.. The way he did make that move was to have an affair. When I found out, I lobbed the ball in his court about what we should do and he wanted to work it out.

If Im completely honest with myself, I shouldve left immediately. I think my subconscious understood that once someone cheats, they no longer love or respect you. Its time to move on. I was so afraid to do that after 24 years with the same man so I stayed and tried to hold on to what we had.

After three years I grew weary. I lost all my self-respect because I stayed with a cheater. In that three years I allowed myself (gave myself permission actually) to fall out of love with him because I thought it would be easier when he inevitably cheated again. Finally, I decided to summon up enough courage to walk away so I asked him for a divorce.

The marriage was dead at that point. It was dead when he decided to have an affair. I may have been the official dumper but he ended the marriage when he had the affair. Anything I did after that fact was just a formal burial.

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I ended my marriage. There was no affair, no physical abuse, no excessive emotional abuse. There was a lot of neglect, though, on both ends. I hurt on several levels, and so did he.
I'd grieved the marriage years before, but grieved again for the pain I caused. I went into the marriage with hopes for the future, not with the thought of breaking my ex's heart in 10 years. In some ways I still grieve. He was my friend. I broke up my family. I hurt him. I hurt others. I broke my vows. But, I was miserable. I was unhappy. I gave it my best, and so did he, I'm just the one who ended it. For as many people on here who call the dumper selfish, they still deserve some happiness, I deserve some happiness. Are those mad because they were left not in a way selfish for wanting the other person to stay despite their misery? Are the dumpers the only selfish ones for leaving to find happiness? I believe with all my heart it takes two to make a marriage work and it takes two to break it. If someone is jumping ship, I believe it is too little, too late. The dumper is not solely responsible, nor is the dumpee. I also believe an affair, in a lot of cases, is a symptom of a broken marriage. Most people don't enter a marriage with the intention of having an affair years later. Just my opinion.