You know you have hit an all time depression low when you get upset seeing two lizards mating and it angers you. Even the lizards have someone! And then theres me...

So its been a week since the breakup, and although I have managed to somehow do something social everyday, it does not help the extreme lonliness I feel. I live in an amazing city (San Diego) and yesterday was a beautiful 80 degree day. In the I morning I went for a hike, went to brunch and dinner with friends as well as the beach. I was busy from 7AM to 9PM with little time alone, however I felt so lonely. My friends just let me cry throughout the whole day which I am thankful they are so understanding. Most of my friends are married and before I got together with my ex I was always the 7th or 9th wheel on weekend getaways. Everyone was so happy I finally found someone and now Im back to square one. Weve all known each other for many years and I wrack my brain on how they were able to find these long term happy relationships and get married while I keep getting destroyed by one man after another for different reasons each time. No one wants to work with me through differences or issues.

One of the things that they say to do is go out with friends when you become single. I live in a city where nightlife is a huge part of socializing, however for maybe the last 2 years I feel I really grew out of it. I dont enjoy getting drunk and "having fun" as many would call it, and I basically always want to go to bed by 10 or 11PM on weekends. That was one of the things that my ex didnt like about me as he was the opposite. I remember the night before he dumped me someone offered me a drink and I declined and my ex said "No one can talk her into having a good time."Dont get me wrong, I DO drink, but I will maybe have 2 or 3 over the course of the night and never actually get drunk. For some reason, the fact I don't drink a lot has been a topic I've had to defend quite often in the last 10 years. People think I am never having fun because I am not wasted. A lot of it has to do with the fact I grew up with an alcoholic parent and saw them at their worst. Last night I couldnt get myself to go out after dinner and the rest of my friends went out and I went home to bed. I started feeling really upset at myself that maybe if I wouldnt have been so uptight and was open to staying out late more that he would have stayed. It all just sounds like such petty reasons to break up with someone in your 30s but I still can't help to blame myself for it all.

I feel really scared of being alone again. I've given up hope that any man will want to stay with me and ever marry me. Everyone has been telling me my whole life how beautiful, smart, funny, athletic, driven and successful I am and that any guy would be a fool to not be with me. I feel like if that were true someone would have recognized that by now. I used to be a confident woman, but after the constant dumping or even guys who will not commit to a relationship with me, my self esteem is shot. I feel scared I will never trust again and I'll end up alone forever, or again will fall head over heels in love and again have my heart ripped out leaving me to just pick up the pieces.