Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So 12 days ago my world was blown apart by those horrible words that keep repeating in my head, "I'm not happy anymore. I want a divorce." Not only was this told to me over the phone while I was at work, but less than 3 hours later he had told the kids (before they left for school, and before I got home.) He had packed a bag and was gone. 12 1/2 years of marriage over.
If I am completely honest with myself things had taken a downward spiral these last few months. Back in September of this year I returned home from my job (I'm an RN and work nights), to learn that my husband had left the kids over night and no one had heard from him since the evening before. Worried something bad had happened I drove around looking for him, affraid he had been in a wreck. Nope, less than an hour after getting home I receive a call telling me my husband had been arrested for DUI! Twice the legal limit to boot. To say I was mad was an understatement, I gathered the money and posted his bail. Only to learn afterwards that there was an additional charge, "contributing to the delinqincy of a minor." Color me shocked to say the least, but what hurt the most was to learn that this was an 18 yo female he had been having an affair with (he is 35).
I was beyond hurt, I felt betrayed. But I didnt want to walk away without at least trying to make it work between us. But 12days ago he calls me tells me that he loves me but is not in love with me any longer. That he has been thinking of leaving for 6 months now. My first weekend after the split I asked my parents to watch my 2 kids (ages 16 and 11). Where promply after returning home I crawled into bed and didnt leave for over 72 hours. I dont think I ate anything during that time. I cried more that I ever cried in my life, I seriously thought about swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills to make the thoughts in my head be silent just for a moment or two. I have so many emotions running through my head, from anger to grief.
My ex wants to remain friends? Really? I can get along right now for the kids sake, but I cant see him as a friend especially right now. I had to block him from my facebook simply so I wasnt tempted to check up on him. He didn't understand my reason for this, but honestly when I said having that 18 yo on his facebook while I was there and our 16 yo son was disrespectful to me and our son. No our kids don't know the true reason behind the split, he told them he wasn't happy and needed to work on himself.
I'm so tired of the hurt, and anger I feel. I am angry at myself for not being good enough as a wife. I'm angry at God for letting this happen to me and the kids. Most of all I'm angry at my ex for the way things have been handled. I'm tired of crying and feeling worthless, and most of all feeling like I was not good enough. I'm used to feeling confident in myself. (I'm 34, today is by birthday, and stay in shape.) But now I guess you could say I've taken a huge blow to my ego, especially since an 18 yo was involved.
When will this pain get easier, all my friends and family say "it takes time." But I'm tired of this roller coaster of emotions I seem to be on lately.
First of all, I love your username. It is what is supposed to be like at this moment. You have to pick yourself up and make yourself stronger. Don't look at this situation like emotions or therapy. You mentioned you work out? Ok then look at it like that. If you have an injury and have to get back your muscle strength what do you do? You begin to work out softly, giving what little strength you have and slowly over the weeks the strength comes back more and more and more until you are strong again.
But what happens if you don't lift the weights? Or if you give less than you can give instead of giving it all and gritting your teeth through the pain? The healing process either takes longer or is eternal.
Same thing with this situation. We have the ability to do this. We have a little strength now but enough to start doing it. We have the formula to get better. All we need is the discipline, the desire and the patience to see it through.
What's the formula?
1- Exercise daily (not a little run or brisk walk. A gut wrenching, tear jerking, workout twice a day where you go beast mode on your body and leave it all out on the mat/street/gym/etc)
2- Therapy (It works for most but it is not a magic pill.)
3- Self-reassurance using mirror technique. (Be your own best friend. Look deep into your eyes in the mirror and give yourself a peptalk everyday 3 times a day)
4- Healthy eating. Don't over eat and don't under eat. Also eat healthy nutritious foods.
5- NO ALCOHOL (not even a glass of wine here and there)
6- Journaling
7- Scheduled cries. (Not crying to wallow in our saddness. A 20 minute cry when needed and knowing that after the 20 minutes are up it is time to get up and moving on. Stronger than before)
8- NO CONTACT (it is easier with a breakup than with an ex husband where kids are involved, BUT it is still doable. For the first 2 years I made sure my contact with my ex wife was only when it had to do with out daughter. No small talk. No friendly chats. She was blocked from all my social media and told to only contact me when it was about our daughter. Today we are friends again but she needed it and I needed it to get through the pain. The people that hurt us CAN'T be the ones that fix us.
9- Awareness. Be aware of your now. Don't live in the past and live in the future. The past is behind you and there is no going back. Make peace with it. The future is unknown and can't be in your control. Make peace with that too.
The only thing there is for you is the NOW. Be aware of your breathing, be aware of your thoughts, be aware of your emotions and be aware of yourself.
10- SMILE.... even when there is nothing to smile about, smile anyway. Don't talk to everyone about your problems. Show the world how strong you are even if you are not. The world will reflect it back to you and you will feel it. Trust me.
Lastly: Forgive. Start by forgiving yourself for any mistakes you made against you. We all make mistakes. Forgive and love yourself. Then forgive others. Through your forgiveness they lose their power over you. You let go of a weight on your shoulder. You let go of hate and in its place you fill it with SELF LOVE AND APPRECIATION.
Then it will be over.
Get going. Baby steps into a better tomorrow.
"I am angry at myself for not being good enough as a wife," Change that to be: I was a great wife, I did the best I could, it is NOT my fault that he choose Adultery with a teen.
"I'm angry at God for letting this happen to me and the kids." Change that to: God does not allow bad things to happen to my kids and I, but now is the time for me to get closer to God and pray for him to give me wisdom to deal with this great change in my life.
" Most of all I'm angry at my ex for the way things have been handled." Anger is a release and it is a better than having no emotions, be a little bit angry, because what happened to you is horrible...
"I'm tired of crying and feeling worthless, and most of all feeling like I was not good enough." You were good enough, and you need to stop beating yourself up about it...It is your husband that is worthless...
I'm used to feeling confident in myself. (I'm 34, today is by birthday, and stay in shape.) But now I guess you could say I've taken a huge blow to my ego, especially since an 18 yo was involved.
When will this pain get easier, all my friends and family say "it takes time." But I'm tired of this roller coaster of emotions I seem to be on lately.
Well it does take time and we just all need to hang together and get through the bs.
I have a feeling that your husband will grow up and realize he has made an massive, idiotic, mistake and want to patch things up with you...But Idk, this might be the opportunity for you to meet your true love.
If I'm honest with myself I dont want to get back with him. These last two weeks have opened my eyes to who I was really married too. Yes, I'm angry at him for the hurt and pain he caused myself and the kids. And maybe one day I will forgive him, Lord willing. Until then I will take it a day at a timd and try to heal myself during all of this
i'm still in shock, i lost so much weight, i just need someone to talk to :(
but i like the comments above, gives me strength.
no, i am not worthless, he is worthless.