Hi Tulip,
I am truly sorry for the position you are in.
I honestly believe you need to do the best thing possible for you.
I feel your ex, being the controlling one, left you in the house because, financially it was not in his best interest.
What you need to do is find out if it is underwater and if it is, how much.
I appreciate the emotional ties to the house, but it really might not be in your best interest to try and take it on. You really need to discuss this with someone you trust, as your lawyer or a real estate person.
There will be enough stress as it is without taking on a big debt, if the house is underwater.
I wish you the best.

Some people say it's not the end of the world if you can't keep the house, but I do understand 100% you wanting to keep it. Have you looked up what your yearly property taxes will be? You'll need to add up all costs, including having to save for home repairs and upkeep to figure out if it's do-able. After 32 years I'm in the same boat, but my settlement is generous enough for me to pay off the house. I won't know how long I can keep it, though, because taxes go up each year, things break, and my income will be fixed. But I'm going to try. If my almost ex hadn't incurred enough debt to buy a whole new house, my situation would be easier, but I'm thankful for what I have. It's expensive though. Write everything down and see if it's possible, maybe even talk to a financial advisor about your situation - I did that and she really was amazing. Good luck :-)

I agree w/the gem & kren. I highly recommend talking with either a financial planner or CPA. They can help you figure out a budget and whether or not you can truly afford to keep the house.

Another thing to consider when you're figuring a budget is that just because the court orders him to pay either child support and/or spousal support doesn't guarantee he will follow through. So do not count that money in your budgeting.

Maybe you can find a place to rent close to their friends so they can still see each other. Even if you end up having to move, you can still have them do sleep overs at each others homes.

~healing hugs~

You need to determine if renting an apartment will cost the same as the current mortgage, and the expenses inherent in owning a home. I understand you being emotionally attached to the "house". A house is not the same as a home. You also need to consider whether or not you want to pay a mortgage for a house where your name does not appear on the deed.

I am sorry for the predicament that you are in. I was faced with the same situation when my husband and I divorced. I held on to the home when it became exhausting in holding a full time job, performing household chores, and other tasks that take up your time, while simultaneously taking care of my two sons. Eventually, the home was sold. Although I paid more rent than the mortgage of the home, the truth is that I now have a peaceful home without the added responsibilities.

I would talk to an attorney and find out if he refinanced the house. If he did, it's likely that he took out any equity you had in the home. Not sure about the laws in your state, but in Texas you would be entitled to 1/2 of what he took out. So find a good attorney and spend the money to protect your interests. Especially since he appears to be hiding assets from you.
Try not to get emotionally attached to the house. It's a place to live and you have to determine if you can afford it. Not only do you have the payment but taxes and insurance as well. And in the long run upkeep. And upkeep is high. Replacing the roof or a/c are very expensive. Best of luck to you!

My first divorce (we had 4 kids) I let him keep the house, it was falling apart around us and held too many painful, ugly memories for me. He paid me my 1/2 of it which wasn't much but it did help me get settled financially. I wanted out of the marriage and out of the house.

Second divorce, I had no choice, I got stuck with the house, the debt, everything because he walked away. In my case and if I had had a choice, I would not keep the house. Too many memories, too much debt, too much yard, too many repair worries. Once I figure out what I'm going to do with it, I'm out of there. I'm looking into condo's or possibly just renting something small for awhile. My kids are older so probably won't go with me, yet I can't just kick them out, so it is a bit different than your situation. Maybe something is wrong with me that I don't have attachments to my homes???? I am not worried about it though.

Good luck in your settlement. I hope your atty. is helping you think things through. This is huge adjustment for you and your children, if you decide to keep it you can always sell it down the road if it gets to be too much. It takes a lot of money and time to own a home, you're young so you do have that in your favor. And like #3 said, you can not count on child support OR spousal support even if court ordered. You never know when he'll pull that plug and stop paying. Just be careful and not take on too much debt, it is hard to get out from under---speaking from experience.

I really appreciate the insights! You are all giving me a lot to think about.

My attorney is pushing me to sell the house. She has (wisely, I think) pointed out it is too much debt for my small income.

My parents are pushing me to keep the house. They insist property is a good investment and staying in our neighborhood and near friends will be good.

I just don't know what the right thing is to do and I have to make a decision. The payments and tax would probably be about the same as rent for a 3-bedroom place, but there's repairs and upkeep to think about.

I'm sorry for the stress you are under.

If possible, try not to be rushed into a decision by attorneys or your ex.

The post from lostntx got me thinking. Did you propound full discovery on your STBX? Is that how you found out about the refinancing?

I believe if he took out equity from the home since the separation, then an equivalent portion of the assets should go into your column. I hope you are accounting for all that in your decision - sorry, I don't know enough about your story to know how far along you are in the process.

I was in a similar position two years ago, trying to figure out if I should stay in the house. When I filed for divorce, I did a cash out refinance to buy him out and took out a 7-year adjustable loan. My long term plan is to move to a smaller place when that adjusts. The situation with the kids' schools will be changing then anyway. Maybe you can come up with a plan where you stay in the house for a set amount of time and then move when it's convenient. Divorce can be so overwhelming, making so many changes at once.

11 Christmases that is actually a VERY good idea.

We're just beginning the financial process but we will be doing some deeper discovery as it appears he has been hiding funds. I do have a good lawyer and I am thankful for that.

Turning the home into a temporary situation rather than a permanent one is a very good way of thinking about it. I don't want to stay once the kids are grown anyway, I would like a little apartment of my own. I just want to stay there to get them through school. So thinking about it that way really helps me make a decision.

Thank you so much!

How old are your kids?

In my opinion, it's easiest to move when the kids are in preschool, then elementary. And hardest on them socially in Jr High.

Just my opinion, but I think that it's also easiest on kids when they're in the middle of the income range of an area that they live in. If they're at the bottom, there's going to be significant pressure on them to have more than you can afford.

It may seem to be hard to do it all at once. But once the dust settles, you're unlikely to feel like changing their lives all around a second time again.

I stayed. But I could easily afford the house. But I still wish that I'd moved to something smaller. The older I get, the more I realize that less is more.

The kids are 5th and 7th grade, so middle school and about to enter middle school. We are probably the lowest income in our neighborhood and definitely the lowest in our very wealthy school district.

The kids have been great about not having money for vacations or expensive clothes or tennis lessons or iphones or whatever else their peers have, but maybe I could provide more of that or reduce the pressure on them if I had a smaller home in a cheaper area.

Then again, we're underwater, so maybe losing money on selling the house isn't a good financial choice to save money anyway.

tough one,
He knows what's he's doing, he's screwing you over bigtime.
sad to say.
best thing in your favor is your not on the deed which when the payments fall behind his credit is getting ruined not yours.
i'm in a similar situation which I will post later but in short for you.
unless you get a good amount of money from him to get it out from being underwater and get him off the deed and you on the deed.
if that happens you'll be ok, (if you can handle the basic bills and utilities etc)
if not, stay in that house rent free as long as you can let the bank foreclose on it, (which can take up to two years) it will only hurt his credit, save every dime you can so when the time does come you'll have a little nest egg saved up for either a new place or an nice apartment.
not sure of your credit situation but if you don't have any, try to get yourself a small credit line, use it a little 50.00 a month, send them 25.00 for two months, rebuild your credit then in two years you will have credit... this is a huge and difficult decision for anyone to make.
but you don't want to be in a house that's underwater.
sorry for the mess your in, but do not trust him...
good luck